Thread: Secret Smile

Hello everybody, I started writing poetry a couple months ago back in December. I was going through what I think was a rough time in my life when I started. Here is a poem I wrote during that point in time.


Don't worry about me I’m fine.
I'm just hurt cause you’re not mine.
I can't stand the thought of you being someone else's other half.
To love him, hold him, and make him laugh.
All day I think of you and can't help but do.
And you’re the thing that keeps me up all night.
Even when I know that's not right.
How can I put it behind me when you’re all I see
And in you’re arms is the only place I wanna be.
I know it's true
because my hearts tells me you’re the one for me.
And I can't help but believe we're meant to be.
They say I have to but how can I move on.
It's almost impossible your all I've ever known.
I can't even if I wanted to.
I know it's in vein but I will always love you.
But there's nothing to do when circumstances oppose
Even though your the one I love the most.
I'm not gonna move on.
I'm not gonna hide my feelings and bury my thoughts
When all I wanna do is to be with you.
I'm not crying.

I just have a secret smile.


Feel free to comment and give any constructive criticism.

Thank you,

Zac

Welcome to the forums.

First, proofread your work. There are grammar mistakes, namely the misuse of your/you're.

Second, poetry is more than cathartic release. What you have written is good for a diary entry, but it makes for weak poetry. A major problem in this piece is that the reader doesn't know who or what you are talking about; the poem is abstract and you need concrete images to hook the reader. Right now, this adds up to a bunch of lines that may mean something to you, but mean nothing to the reader.

Third, you will never get better if you don't read poetry.

Hi Zak, for a novice writer you've done a great job expressing your feelings about a lost love. The pain profoundy comes through. It's felt, which means you did your job. In my mind, if a poem is written which doesn't cause you to tap into feelings it's not really a poem at all.

The ending is great!

I just have a secret smile

There are some structural problems which I can't cover right now because I'm on the run but will get back to you later. Good job. Laurie

Zac, here's the stanza breakdown. Very few problems with puncuation! Laurie

Don't worry about me I’m fine.
I'm just hurt cause you’re not mine.

I can't stand the thought of you,
being someone else's other half,
to love him, hold him, and make him laugh.

All day I think of you and can't help but do.
And you’re the thing that keeps me up all night,
even when I know that's not right.

How can I put it behind me
when you’re all I see?

And in your arms
is the only place I wanna be.

I know it's true because
my heart tells me you’re the one for me.

And I can't help but believe we're meant to be.
They say I have to but how can I move on?

It's almost impossible.
Your all I've ever known.

I can't even if I wanted to.
I know it's in vein
but I will always love you.

But there's nothing to do
when circumstances oppose
even though you're the one
I love the most.

I'm not gonna move on.
I'm not gonna hide my
feelings and bury my thoughts
when all I wanna do is to be with you.

I'm not crying.
I just have a secret smile.

Thanks Laurie, next time I post one of my poems I'll be sure to proofread it again! Zak