Thread: Silver Fish

Silver fish swimming, snaky, in the ocean
like Brazilian hips of beauties shuddering
to songs of waves and fishermen’s breaths.

Bathing near rocks toothed by Atlaua’s touch,
water god making merry, his win over deities;
begins waters to chuckle and churn the silver fish.

Purple slipped clouds mate then pass,
showing nine months, birthing baby showers,
before the wedding of the gale and rain sheet.

The greed of waves swallow the shore
using up sand castles, shovels and shells.
The hurricane of the season descrying Atlaua’s feat.

My window, peppered with salt and icy sprays,
causes me to wonder about the lot of the silver fish
and when our eyes were storms and kisses lightning,

When silver fish were golden in waters beneath the sun
and we, wishing our footprints were set in the sand,
where we made love furiously before Atlaua's glee.

This is really nice.
I don't have much to say about poetry here, but thought I'd mention it.

Also:

Atlaua’s

different spelling from later

wishing our footprints

wished our footprints, right?

lin, I did mean "wishing" i.e. "we, wishing..." I should have placed a comma to make it clearer.
Still punctuation challenged but a work in progress.

Great eagle's eye catching "Atlaua". A fix. Thank you and for enjoying the read. Laurie

Very beautiful images here Laurie. My favorites:

Silver fish swimming, snaky, in the ocean
like Brazilian hips of beauties shuddering
to songs of waves and fishermen’s breaths.

Bathing near rocks toothed by Atlaua’s touch,
water god making merry, his win over deities;
begins waters to chuckle and churn the silver fish.

Purple slipped clouds mate then pass.
Showing nine months, birthing baby showers,
before the wedding of the gale and rain sheet.

Very nice work!

lin and Cindy, thank you for reading and for your comments. Much appreciated. Laurie

Ah yes, I see what you mean. There is wonderful imagery in this.

I particularly enjoyed

like Brazilian hips of beauties shuddering
to songs of waves and fishermen’s breaths.

and the waves being described as greedy - brilliant!

I saw some minor grammar issues in this stanza

My window, peppered with salty and icy sprays,
cause me to wonder about the lot of the silver fish
and when our eyes were storms and kisses lightening,

Did you perhaps mean 'caused' and 'lightened'?

Of course, this does little to detract from what was a worthy read.

Why are the shovels yellow, by the way? What's the meaning behind the colour?

Thanks, YWKM. Forgive the white space before text. Just scroll down. Some kind of problem going on.

when our eyes were storms and kisses lightening.

Using a figure of speech. Metaphor: an implied comparison between two things.

The shovels are yellow to suggest that they are the plastic shovels used by children on the beach. Without, inluding "yellow" it could be any old shovel. I addition, I wanted to add a little colour!

Thank you so much. Am glad you enjoyed the imagery. Laurie

This is a departure from the norm, wonderful to see you branching out. I'm pouting, you've inverted salty and peppered, still works though. Fabulous imagery and I especially love the originality of S3. Two tiny typos, lightning and you missed the last a in the final Atlaua. You need to insert that comma in "we, wishing" in the last stanza. The mental visuals were breathtaking, Laurie, I enjoyed this piece heaps.

Thank you, Lisa this is a departure from my norm. Experimenting away. I can always count on you to point out even the smallest problems which will be promptly fixed. Glad you enjoyed. Laurie

these are my favorite lines, and you imagery is wow, just wow.

Silver fish swimming, snaky, in the ocean
like Brazilian hips of beauties shuddering
to songs of waves and fishermen’s breaths.

and when our eyes were storms and kisses lightning

HA! My two favorites. Getting a double WOW is the best yet! Thank you, un named.

Nice one here - glad to read it silvermoon. You make lovely images. I love the sounds (I'm a sound nut ) of lines like this one.
The greed of waves swallow the shore

The line with the salty - icy sprays - not so smooth to me, I want to read;

My window, peppered with salt and icy sprays,

one more thing only because this is really so good. Descrying - are you so in love with it you can't live without it? Most people reading it today would read decrying and put another meaning or miss it altogether, I wonder if spying, or if you want a more archaic sound, espying - would do better here. ah ignore me if it's way off - okay thanks for a great read.

regards huni.

Ah, I see! Haha yellow certainly did have a nice effect, and in my mind at least the intended effect. I wonder why I hadn't realised before that the shovels I imagined were child-like, not those more seriously used.

huni, thanks.

My window, peppered with salt and icy sprays, I had that in mind in the beginning, wrote it and then changed it to my friend's regret. Now, I think I will be putting it back in. I don't know the reason why I changed it in the first place but I must have had my reasons. Will have to go over again and make damn sure it fits in because it "is" more effective, highlighting the play on words.

Descrying - are you so in love with it you can't live without it? huni, can't live without it. When I read poetry, sometimes I have to look up a word. And I think that's a good thing unless I'm having to look up every other word! That's just pure pomposity.

I'm glad to hear that you liked the "sounds" in this poem. Writing about the ocean, this was my goal! To bring water to life. Laurie

YWKM, Guess what? Because of your feeback I gave some thought about the "yellow" shovel and decided it was rather condesencing to the reader. I speak of sand castles. It would make sense that the "shovel" would have to do with a child's plastic play thing. So, I eliminated "yellow" discovering it actually intereupted the line. So thank you for your question. You've helped improve my poem. Laurie