Thread: Doppler Affect

bounce back rush past you
scatter round the room til
you’ve knocked over a
bowl
you’ve splashed the dog water

fade into the mesh
of sounds woven
tightly
like life in the 90s
before we all got too cynical

clinically driven
and less than well read
you make bed
where you lie
when you lie
malcontent

you’re all over it
you’re all over it
you’re so over it you’re under it

the cackle makes no sense
the gaggle rubberneck
to peer through your guise

realise what you say is recorded
transcribed
kept for all time
and will come back to haunt you

if not you, then them
the seventeen plus men
for whom body of lust has been granted

deny the bags the boys
the dull grey
the way your mouth twitches when
your words resemble sit-coms
dot-coms
and misnomer altruisms

IF the one that you love
or at least feel like loving
can see through
layer-cake
faithfully baked

you’ll play Marie
laugh short garble

and he’ll eat you

Curtis, I found this poem difficult to follow. While you've created excellent imagery, I could not connect to dots. The great thing about this Poetry platform is that we're able to interact freely and this includes asking questions even about the whole of a work. So, if you would, I would love to hear about your poem's story line. What you've created that I don't see.

I thought this was excellent and it caught my attention, immediately.

fade into the mesh
of sounds woven
tightly

deny the bags, the boys,
the dull grey,
the way your mouth twitched when
your words resemble sit-comes Big WOW! Brilliant description.

Hope I've been of some help. Laurie

Hi Silver,
This is my attempt to break down my poem and explain it.
It's really more a bunch of cathartic pretty words I wrote one afternoon instead of studying for exams back in 2007. I posted it because it came back to me recently and has been stuck in my head for the last few weeks. Hope this sheds some light.

Doppler Affect refers to Doppler Effect, frequency of wave forms changing to an observer and Affect as understood in psychology, relates to mood etc.

bounce back rush past you Actual event, my dog rushed into my room and knocked me over.
scatter round the room til
you’ve knocked over a
bowl
you’ve splashed the dog water

fade into the mesh I was listening to Nirvana.
of sounds woven
tightly
like life in the 90s
before we all got too cynical

clinically driven Relates to me and my lousy attempts at studying psychology, and having to settle for second best. Also relates to my relationship failing.
and less than well read
you make bed
where you lie
when you lie
malcontent

you’re all over it Feeling overwhelmed, snowed under.
you’re all over it
you’re so over it you’re under it

the cackle makes no sense So overwhelmed that I laugh at myself for writing this rather than studying!
the gaggle rubberneck Feeling out of place at uni, like a fraud.
to peer through your guise

realise what you say is recorded Worried about the permanence of my results, how they reflect on me as a person.
transcribed
kept for all time
and will come back to haunt you

if not you, then them That poor results are due to me having loads of flings and crushes and not focusing on uni.
the seventeen plus men
for whom body of lust has been granted

deny the bags the boys Telling myself to snap out if it, denial will help you carry on through this.
the dull grey Depression.
the way your mouth twitches when Again, feeling like a fraud. I quote tv loads and claim it as my own knowledge. Being ashamed of that.
your words resemble sit-coms
dot-coms Internet quotes.
and misnomer altruisms Struggled with this line. I’m trying to show that I aim to be altruistic but often fall short, hense it’s a misnomer. I like both of these words too.

IF the one that you love Relates to partner at time and uncertainty I felt about him and the relationship.
or at least feel like loving
can see through
layer-cake I am the layer-cake: sweet, seemingly simple but difficult to make or understand.
faithfully baked Faithful in my dealings in the relationship, but maybe I’m stupid to be like that.

you’ll play Marie Reference to Marie Antionette.
laugh short garble

and he’ll eat you If he works out what I’m really like, he’d eat me (dump me, engulf me, swap me, change the person I am).

CC, Thank you for taking the time to explain your poem. I hope you don't my making suggestions based on your explainations. I think we can make it less obsure by intermingling your explanations of the poem to the poem itself, creating something really fantastic! Now, I'm just directing you with examples. You may find your own words.

bounce back rush past you Actual event, my dog rushed into my room and knocked me over
My dog, bouncing, backing up,
rushes past,
bringing me to the floor. Provides a good alliteration

fade into the mesh listening to the mesh of Nivana
fade into Nirvrana mesh

you’re all over it Feeling overwhelmed, snowed under.
snowed under, I'm all over it

if not you, then them That poor results are due to me having loads of flings and crushes and not focusing on uni
if not you,
I'll be in other's arms.

the dull grey Depression.
the way your mouth twitches when Again, feeling like a fraud. I quote tv loads and claim it as my own knowledge. Being ashamed of that.
A very good description of depression and I told you a great description in all, but had a second thought and changed "mouth twitches" to "frown". Think it works better in context.

You frown.
My words as real
as sit-coms (Again, love it!)

"and misnomer altruisms" Fine

layer-cake I am the layer-cake: sweet, seemingly simple but difficult to make or understand.
The cake pops in from out of nowhere in the poem.
Can see through me,
the sweet layers,

faithfully baked Faithful in my dealings in the relationship, but maybe I’m stupid to be like that.
the layers, though a mystery,
will not crumble like a cake.

you’ll play Marie Reference to Marie Antionette
You need to spell out "Marie Antionette", here, otherwise the reader might think your talking about Marie Osmand! Or create images that point to her..

and he’ll eat you If he works out what I’m really like, he’d eat me (dump me, engulf me, swap me, change the person I am).
If you knew me,
you'd devour me, spitting out the pits,
and move on. - (tense problem, here. Keep it to "you")

CC, You need to give the reader dots to connect to which can be easily resolved by standing back as your own critic and see if the words, stanzas make for a good marriage so to speak. And add imagery! This is what will bring your reader into that part of your life. Keep their attention.

Since this poem has been with you so long and I imagine dear to you, I would recommend a re-write as it's also very worthy of one. I'd love to see the result! Work on it if you so choose, then re-post it. Just make sure you add "Edit" in the title. Then we'll really have something to work with. I, and many others here, post several edits based on feedback to render "The" poem.

Hope I've been helpful. Laurie