clean

**un named** · 07-07-2010, 10:31 PM

The twinkle in your eyes
has died like a burnt out star
The old you is like a ghost
that even you can barley remember

You're like a walking skeleton
getting skinner by the day
with more shadows
on your face every hour

wrinkles growing on
your young and once beautiful face
hairs slowly turning gray
as the only thing you
care about ages you.

Look into your own dilated eyes
and say that is what you wanted

I can see your bones
through your skin,
but still you can't eat
and just like every night
theres no hope of
getting sleep tonight

You can't stop moveing
not even for a second
Your a ticking time bomb
just waiting to die.

Sobers just a myth
that the world keeps trying
to make you believe.

Don't want to think
about your life that you
destroyed so carelessly.

You couldn't fly
instead you sunk to the bottom.
you keep Jumping off cliffs landing
flat on your face
getting up and walking away.

**SilverMoon** · 07-08-2010, 07:35 PM

Hi, un named. I think your poem has some great potential. I would consider fleshing out both your characters which I think would require stanzas. Fatten up the poem! As it stands, running down the page, I found it a bit difficult to follow. You have great imagery in the begining but it seems to stop there. I would employ imagery throughout the poem as exampled:

And you have a great similie going on here. Very good!

The twinkle in
your eyes has
died like a
burnt out star

This poem is really "worthy" of a re-write, if you care to spend the time. I enjoyed very much. Laurie

**un named** · 07-08-2010, 09:43 PM

silver moon thank you for the comment and your perspective.
I tried to put more imagery in and I did fatten up the poem.
glad you liked it.

**SilverMoon** · 07-08-2010, 10:02 PM

SUPURB edit!

**vangoghsear** · 07-08-2010, 10:32 PM

Un named, this is a vast improvement over your previous contributions. Interesting imagery. Not bad.

Originally Posted by un named

The twinkle in your eyes has
died like a burnt out star
The old you is like a ghost
that even you can barley remember (loved this)

You're like a walking skeleton (wrong "your")
getting skinnier by the day
with more shadows on your
face every hour

Look into your own dialated eyes (should be "dilated")
and say that is what you wanted

I can see your bones through
your skin, but still you can't eat
and just like every night
there's no hope
of getting sleep tonight (I think this slight change to the line breaks might make this stronger, puts "there's no hope" on its own line.)

You can't stop moveing (moving)
not even for a second
You're a ticking time bomb just
waiting to die.

Sober's just a myth
that the world keeps trying
to make you believe.

Don't want to think
about your life that you
destroyed so carelessly.

You couldn't fly so instead
you sunk to the bottom.
you keep Jumping off cliffs landing
flat on your face getting up
and walking away.

Keep takeing the wrong road (taking)
the one that leads straight
to the cemetery. (Consider dropping this part. It's a bit too obvious.)

**Gumby** · 07-08-2010, 11:11 PM

Hi there un named, welcome to the forum.

You've gotten some great editing advise and it really has improved the read on this. The only suggestion that I have is that you look at your line breaks and maybe reconsider some of them. Try to end each line with either a complete thought, or a strong word. I've tried to show you what I mean in the following. Please don't think this means your poem isn't good, it just can be better with a little re-work here and there. On a personal note, I too have experienced what this poem is about and share your frustration in dealing with someone in this situation. Cheers.

The twinkle in your eyes has (consider moving the 'has' down to the next line)
died like a burnt out star
The old you is like a ghost
that even you can barley remember

Your like a walking skeleton
getting skinner by the day
with more shadows on your (either move 'on your' down or 'face' up)
face every hour

Look into your own dialated eyes
and say that is what you wanted

I can see your bones through ( again, move 'through' down)
your skin, but still you can't eat
and just like every night theres (either move 'there's' down or drop it entirely)
no hope of getting sleep tonight

You can't stop moveing
not even for a second
Your a ticking time bomb just (drop 'just' or move it down)
waiting to die.

Sobers just a myth
that the world keeps trying
to make you believe.

Don't want to think
about your life that you ( move 'that you' down or drop entirely)
destroyed so carelessly.

(consider rewording this stanza so you don't have to use so many 'you' words)
You couldn't fly so instead ( lose 'so' and drop 'instead' down)
you sunk to the bottom.
you keep Jumping off cliffs landing ( move 'landing' down)
flat on your face getting up (move 'getting up' down or put a comma after face)
and walking away.

(Lose this stanza entirely, as has been suggested already, I think)

Keep takeing the wrong road
the one that leads straight
to the cemetery.

**un named** · 07-09-2010, 05:55 AM

Silver moon, thanks n i couldn't of done it without your advice

Vangogshear, thanks for the editing I'm horriable at grammer no matter how hard I try I always miss something.

Gumby thanks for the advice on breaking up lines, for some reason on this poem i just couldn't decide where to end what line, and im always open to suggestions on makeing my writeing better.