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Thread: G'night & G'morn

  1. #1
    Sinner MeeQ's Avatar
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    G'night & G'morn

    Creep,
    just sound
    Tick Tick Tock.
    Thunderclap music

    Bam


    Peer through window,
    stalking
    the light.
    Pike off and wither,
    no luck, just fright

    Pathetic,
    an attempt
    To push away the morn.
    Pathetic tis sympathetic.

    Fall fall fall.


    Tisk tisk

    Rising or shining,
    both hold the fall.
    Rising and smiling,
    is an obvious, too obvious


    Anti-climatic bore.
    Last edited by MeeQ; 07-07-2010 at 01:02 AM. Reason: Revision #1

  2. #2
    WF Veteran SilverMoon's Avatar
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    MeeQ, an intriguing work! I gather that you're describing the futility of dark encroaching on light.
    Thundering music.............

    Bam

    Pathetic,
    an attempt
    To push away the morn.
    Your ending is stupendous! I loved the double entendre and also a great pun.
    Rising and smiling,
    is an obvious, too obvious

    Anti-climatic bore
    Both you and Ilisar have to hang out here more often! Laurie
    Last edited by SilverMoon; 07-04-2010 at 05:00 PM.
    "Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light" Groucho Marx
    http://www.punksoulpoet.com/2011/04/inspired-by-the-artist-andrea-wch/#top"Emalyne"
    http://www.motleypress.artandsole.org.uk/Issue1opt.PDF
    "No Forgiveness for the Chrysalis"


  3. #3
    Sinner MeeQ's Avatar
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    You bring a childish grin to this watery soldier's face. Thankyou, sincerely.
    I am pathetically glad you enjoyed it, and found the general and cliché idea easy to follow; especially considering this is far from my usual norm.

    And do not fret your no doubt pretty little face, I shall be here more often than not; Reading more often that god.

  4. #4
    WF Veteran SilverMoon's Avatar
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    I'll take that as a promise! We're greedy, here. Want all the fresh talent we can get! Laurie
    Last edited by SilverMoon; 07-05-2010 at 03:18 AM.
    "Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light" Groucho Marx
    http://www.punksoulpoet.com/2011/04/inspired-by-the-artist-andrea-wch/#top"Emalyne"
    http://www.motleypress.artandsole.org.uk/Issue1opt.PDF
    "No Forgiveness for the Chrysalis"


  5. #5
    Sinner MeeQ's Avatar
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    Greed is but one of my many hidden talents. Writing however, is not.

    But I appreciate the sympathy. And for such I ask you a favour; send me your favourite piece, completely up to your digression of course.
    As now I ask permission to use whatever it's foundation is, as the base for my next poem. (A challenge worthy I find, as my style vastly differs from yours, which is a fantastic thing. Considering how rubbish some of my words can be)

    My imagination is slowly being abolished by corporate realism. This shall be my cure.

    P.S Do not feel obligated, but consider this a favour that would be vastly repaid.

  6. #6
    WF Veteran SilverMoon's Avatar
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    MeeQ, Thank you for the compliment and will PM you. Laurie
    "Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light" Groucho Marx
    http://www.punksoulpoet.com/2011/04/inspired-by-the-artist-andrea-wch/#top"Emalyne"
    http://www.motleypress.artandsole.org.uk/Issue1opt.PDF
    "No Forgiveness for the Chrysalis"


  7. #7
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    Rising or shining,
    both hold the fall.
    Rising and smiling,
    is an obvious, too obvious


    Anti-climatic bore.

    Loved this ending, very unexpected to me.

  8. #8
    Scripts Moderator vangoghsear's Avatar
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    Creeping,
    just sound
    Tick Tick Tock.
    Thundering music
    Darn clock radios.

    I liked this. It's me every morning. I like the brevity of the style.

    I think it could benefit from some slight revisions to help the mood.

    Creeps,
    just sound
    Tick Tick Tock.
    music thunders
    In these short lined pieces each word is important to mood and flow. The ing sound especially in "creeping" stops the reader, while an s at the end slips silently into "just sound." The ing in thundering is okay, but ending the line in "music" again stops us short of "Bam." Although "thundering music" is not too bad as is.

    I'd probably just cut the ing's from peering and stalking as well because then you can hear the rhyme between light and fright better (IMO).

    Peer through the window,
    stalk
    The light.
    Pike off and wither,
    no luck, just fright
    Just suggestions. It's not bad at all as is.
    "PS: don't take technical advice about cold fusion from someone who can't spell fuzhun."

    http://www.writingforums.com/faq.php...and_guidelines

  9. #9
    Sinner MeeQ's Avatar
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    Your compliments are noted and accepted Gumby, too many thanks to write.

    VGE, I agree on almost all fronts you put forth. And you experience is highly regarded and appreciated. There are a few lines I have already decided to manipulate; half of your suggestions shall be implemented.
    Again, you have my thanks for taking the time to dissect this. mhm mhm.

  10. #10
    Sinner MeeQ's Avatar
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    Revised

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