Thread: 1/3 of the stars remain

I wear the scent of your pulchritude
Upon my forehead
Like a diadem of african violets

You lay supine amongst oak leaves
Imitating the vacuous heavens

1/3 of the stars remain,
In the sky- the dying light shimmers
Evanescence on your quaking pores

Your skin is bare & pale
Under the ashen aura
Of the morning star

Your forsythia teems with lubricity & whey

As the polycephaly
Sinks below the forest floor-

The cerise ethers creek
& elucidate
the beauty in your conflagration

Posed, in forgotten fields
Of the Syritis Major
A field of clover braces & pleads

Hoping
That in
One thousand two hundred & sixty days

It may savor the depths of your shade

I simultaneously applaud and question your word selections in this piece. If you knew these words and didn't have to find them in a thesaurus, I'm impressed. The overall sentiments are lovely, but the wording...well let's put it this way:

The cerise ethers creek
& elucidate
the beauty in your conflagration

...and what woman wouldn't want to hear that whispered tenderly into their ear?

The word choices seem too orotund and clinical for what seems to be such an intimate description. Words have both a meaning and a feeling associated with them you have to at least be aware of the feeling they place in a reader. The word "pulchritude" for example. Although it means "Great physical beauty and appeal" it puts thoughts of words like "putrid," "poultry," "paunch," etc. into a reader's head, especially a reader who is not familiar with the word. Don't believe me? Ask some people to define it without looking it up. I did. I got these answers: "Poultry." "Something that smells rotten." "A bad feeling." "High moral fiber." These answers were from smart people with decent vocabularies.

1/3 of the stars remain,
In the sky- the dying light shimmers
Evanescence on your quaking pores

Your skin is bare & pale
Under the ashen aura
Of the morning star

These two were lovely passages.

I wholeheartedly agree with Van. You are certainly blessed with ability, but you are sabotaging your pieces with overly ornate vocabulary. It is difficult for a reader to enjoy a piece when they don't understand a word and have to stop to look it up, or just proceed without the benefit of knowing what they just read. The stanzas Van cited are truly lovely, with a few word swaps the entire piece can be as lovely and more engaging. I hope I don't seem too critical, that is not my intention. I both enjoy and comprehend your work, but making pieces a little more reader friendly never hurts.

Best,
Lisa

I have volumes of rejection letters, most of which echo your opinions on my verbiage. It's just that I feel poetry should be exploratory in terms of word selection. I enjoy learning new words, I am a definition hound. I think that banality and mediocrity has no place in a person's lexicon. I really have to work on this tho, because it is a huge barrier when it comes to getting published. Thank you for your input.

I think if you match the sentiments to the wording more carefully to the words chosen, seeking out words that enhance the meaning by sound or feel even though they are not familiar, they may be more readily accepted. Your talent and level of your extensive vocabulary is evident in your work. When you marry the two in a way that works, it should make for quite a piece of poetry.