Thread: depression

dying inside this prison
I created for myself
i can smell
my own death
I'm drowing in drepression
theres no happiness left
inside
i day dream
about suicide as
i pretend to care
about what you have
to say.

Hi, un named. I just came across your poem and am glad that I did. I'm working, here, with the assumption that your poem is true to your very feelings right now. Working with this assumption, I will tell you it brings me back to the days when I just wanted to cash it all in. Thank God, I didn't! I've discoverd so much joy in life, since.

You have a magnificent knack for expressing your feelings so that they reach the reader very deeply. Like this reader?! It took me a long time to develop a style of writing where I could do this.

During my time of depression, I somehow managed to muster up the strength to begin writing my feelings down in my journal. As soon as I got home from school it was me, the pen and the journal which had become my best friend. I made some stabs at writing poetry to get out my feelings but frankly they were not as good as yours, here. Just blaah on paper. Nevermind, it helped.

As it stands, I write Confessional poetry (not that much different than yours) and about the plight of The Human Condition. I frequently write on the dark side, expressing my emotions. Oh, I cannot write about daisys and blue skys. I've tried and failed miserably. Maybe, who knows, I might be able to write about a garden someday, but there will have to be some weeds there!
I just find it easier to write in "depth".

un named, keep writing, make some friends here and I must not forget, welcome! ((Hugs)) Laurie

First of all Welcome to the forum. Always good to have fresh meat...I mean new members. I'm going to address some points that may help you improve as a poet. This seems a very personal piece so if you want to ignore most of my suggestions feel free of course, but try and keep them in mind for future work.

Not too bad. There is a definite feel of depression. I think it needs some trimming. They say good art needs two artists, one to do the artwork (poetry) and one to say "it's done."

Originally Posted by un named

silently dying inside my own prision("prison." silently doesn't really add does it? you should consider each word and how it impacts the reader.)
i created for myslef (myself)
im so close i can smell my own death (I don't think you need to say "i'm so close." Just saying "i can smell my own death" has more impact. That is one of your stronger images in this piece.)
im drowing in drepression (I would remove as many of the "im's" and I's as I could to give this more impact to readers other than yourself.)
theres no happiness left inside me (I'd split some of these lines differently to add impact.)
I day dream about suicide as (make a decision about caps use them for impact or in a piece like this where you are minimizing how you think people perceive you leave the "I" lowercase "i" like you did above.)
I pretend to care about what
you have to say (I would end it here. The next part is self indulgent poetically and comes off as angsty.)
I'm surrounded by betrayl
I hate every single one of you
I'm waiting for the right day
to end this hellish life (please tell me this is just poetry and you have no intention of carrying through on this.)

Version with the changes I suggested so you can see them.


dying inside my prison
created for myself
i can smell
my own death
drowing in drepression
theres no happiness left
inside me
i day dream
about suicide as
i pretend to care
about what you have
to say

Parred down version. What do you think, still work for you?

Hello un named,

Your poem reflects an inspiration that runs deep in you as an individual and as a poet. I truely must say that I enjoyed the poem although it scared me a bit. You have the gift. Keep it up.


Vangoghsear did great with the modification, but it is up to you with the finishing.

And hey, a big welcome to you.

THANK YOU GUYS FOR THE WELCOME AND THE INPUT and thanks for the modicfacation i knew as soon as I wrote the poem that it needed to be fixed somehow, and your version is worded better, and as u said "trimmed" as for the spelling erorrs I will proably always make them no matter how hard I try not to lol. GOD BLESS