Thread: The Corner Store is her Arsenal

Edit 1

Divorce by fire,
screw the courts.
She passes a Bic beneath
her sentencing slip
embossed with a magistrate's seal.
Parole granted by sear.

Flame licks yellowed parchment
sickly as an alky's skin.
Ebony snow falls
onto a coral coverlet
speckled by crusty carmine
from a nose now listing to the left.

An investment of a dollar
for a pink plastic key
to the prison;
all locks tumbled
with roll of a broken thumb.

Half a bottle of Sominex
snuck into the rum
(put him under
but not six feet)
fell short but not as short
as time (her flight leaves at four).

The retirement of C.O. Unstable
must proceed as planned.
She caresses a seam
of his boxers
with the last corner
of flaming past.
Singed pads go unnoticed
as flickering amber devours cotton
and the scent of burning corruption
tickles bloodcaked nares.

Hypnotized by fiery dance,
barking snaps her from her trance
as the troupe takes over the bed.

Suitcase in hand, new persona in pocket,
she steps onto the stoop,
lungs fully inflated with freedom.

The comatose muscles of her cheeks
creak in a comeback smile
as she spins to see
first wisps of flesh fueled smoke
snake through a cracked sash.

He always was an avid fan
of a good barbecue,
surely he's enjoying
his just desserts.




Original for comparison

Divorce by fire,
screw the courts.
She passes a Bic beneath
her sentencing slip
embossed with a magistrate's seal.
Time to be paroled.

Flame licks yellowed parchment
sickly as an alky's skin,
time, rather than failing liver,
the uncaring culprit.
So many years wasted,
memories screaming
to be purged by sear.
Brown turns to red ringlets,
ebony snow falls
onto a coral coverlet
speckled with crusty carmine
from her seemingly drunk nose
now leaning to the left.

An investment of a dollar
for a pink plastic key
to the prison;
sentence commuted
with roll of a broken thumb.

Half a bottle of Sominex
snuck into the rum
(put him under
but not six feet)
fell short but not as short
as time (her flight leaves at four).

The retirement of C.O. Unstable
must proceed as planned.
She caresses a seam
of his boxers
with the last corner
of flaming past.
Sepia, then crimson rings,
followed by flickering amber.

Mesmerized by fiery dance,
the barking of the lousy mutt next door
(for once welcome)
snaps her from her trance
as the troupe takes over the bed.

Suitcase in hand, new persona in pocket,
she steps outside to inhale freedom
perfumed with freshly cut grass
far more enticing than costly cologne.

The muscles of her cheeks
screech with the effort
of the first smile in a decade
as she spins to see
the first wisps of flesh fueled smoke
escape through a cracked sash.
He always was an avid fan
of a good barbecue,
surely he'll enjoy
his just desserts.

A cheap lighter
in the hand of a non smoker
works wonders
to ignite the trash.
Divorce by fire,
screw the courts.




Note from pedant hell: Just desserts is actually spelled just deserts but is pronounced desserts. I used improper spelling for the sake of pronunciation and to avoid confusion regarding my intention. Thanks so much for reading.

A lovely piece of writing Lisa. Wonderful work.

Its my kind of method to end a marriage, especially if he is a low life who has been mistreating his wife. However, you may get some people saying that this kind of method is too harsh a punishment... what I would say to them is wait until they are on the receiving end of their fist, or a weapon like a belt or even a stick. When they have suffered such treatment at the hands of such a monster, they will feel justified handing out this kind of revenge upon them.

Getting back to the poem... The imagery and wording used in this poem is wonderful. It really "puts you in the picture" of this scene taking place.

The muscles of her cheeks
screech with the effort
of the first smile in a decade
as she spins to see
the first wisps of flesh fueled smoke
escape through a cracked sash.
He always was an avid fan
of a good barbecue,
surely he'll enjoy
his just desserts.

I loved this stanza the best. Especially the way you described how he loved a good barbecue, then became the barbecue himself.

Excellent.

wacker

So much of this piece is unnecessary. Have you gone through this, line by line, and gotten rid of every single thing that wasn't essential to your intentions? If not, you are robbing a piece who's success depends on how well it builds tension. Too much filler, rather than making a piece more vivid, more tense, actually distracts your reader and bores them, causes a piece to fall flat. My suggestions for this would be for you to let it sit and come back to it in a few weeks. At that time, you may be far enough removed to cut what is unnecessary. Sharpened, this could be a very strong poem. It has a lot of potential.

Jenifer

I agree with Jenifer, this piece does need some more thinking. At the moment its a very difficult read punctuated by too many frills and unnecessary details. However, it does have great potential to be an excellent piece.

Lisa, like a healthy and sturdy Christmas tree, I can see that some branch trimming might be in order. Then carefully choose the ornaments.

Both stanza's, at your wicked best! A smooth alliteration here.

the first wisps of flesh fueled smoke
escape through a cracked sash,

I would absolutely love for this to be your last stanza!!!

He always was an avid fan
of a good barbecue,
surely he'll enjoy
his just desserts.

I happen to love editing, unlike most writers. It's like sculpting for me. Laurie

Dear Paul, Elated you enjoyed, hon. That is also my favorite stanza, I adore irony. This is purely fictional, I do not condone premeditated murder for any reason, manslaughter committed in self defense, however, is a completely different story. Although that doesn't apply here. I've reworked her a bit, let me know what you think.


Dear Jenifer, Truly appreciate your honesty as well as your valuable time. That you think it has potential means a lot. I fail miserably at succinctness and have to be ever diligent to avoid it. I didn't keep a tight rein with this and it shows. I've taken out some of the unimportant and added some detail, but it still reeks of excess. Your advice of coming back in a few weeks will be honored because success has eluded me. I am such a reluctant surgeon when it comes to amputation, but this still clearly needs the scalpel. Thanks again.


Dear Zoya, I can only echo what I've said to Jen and am glad you also think it has potential. Appreciate the read as well as your opinion.


Dear Laurie, Editing is fabulous when you actually have a brainstorm, it's frustrating as hell when you don't. I laughed my butt off at your reference to a Christmas tree because mine is always overdone. I'm surprised I haven't burned the house down yet. I got rid of that crap last stanza as per your suggestion, don't know why I tacked it on in the first place. Thanks for wicked, you know that's what I aim for. I tried to clean it up, but failed. Would appreciate it if you'd let me know if I'm at least going in the right direction.

My sincere thanks to all.

Best,
Lisa

hi
your a really good writer, but your poem was really hard to understand, and read

I... I think this one was pretty straight forward, really.

So you trimmed the Christmas tree in June! A very great edit. You shortened that second stanza wonderfully, encapsulising.

A couple of changes I thought benefited the poem:

Time to be paroled to "Parole granted by sear"

A smooth alliteration but I think you can loose the "the"

the first wisps of flesh fueled smoke

I love coral coverlet!!!

I'm pleased you didn't loose the following:

for a pink plastic key
to the prison;
all locks tumbled
with roll of a broken thumb.

Sorry! But one of my least favorite words is "nostrils" especially in a poem. Try something diff?

tickles bloodcaked nostrils.

Wish you had kept in. Love this imagery!

Sepia, then crimson rings,
followed by flickering amber.

Just a couple of things which had to do with "my taste". Everyone will have their own different spin. You did good! Laurie

Dear un named, I can't be all that good if it was hard for you to grasp, but I do appreciate your kind words. Long story short, her husband abuses her, so she kills him. If you'd like a more in depth explanation, I would be happy to oblige you. Truly appreciate the read.


Dear paintedglasses, Bless you, love. Thanks for taking the time to tell me. I started to think I screwed up more majorly than I was already aware of.


Dear Laurie, You're being far too kind with great. The duality of trim the tree in June had me rolling. I'm glad you think it's better, at least I'm off in the proper direction. Elated you liked what you did, and am going to take out that the as suggested. I was also fond of the colors, but when I asked myself what it really added to the piece, the answer was not much, so I nixed it. I also hate nostrils (as well as armpits) so I'm changing it to nares. Not sure it that works so well, though, I might have to rewrite that line entirely. Thanks for letting me know your feelings on this, hon, you're a peach.

Thanks again to all. To those of you who read this, I've been feeling lousy and there are a bunch of your pieces I have to catch up on which I will be doing asap. I've read them all quickly but I need a bit of time to delve.

All my best,
Lisa