Thread: the Beast

removed

Originally Posted by Gumby

Most people are like the plants
who flourish in sunlight-
we turn our pretty side outward
hiding the twisted, withered parts
behind us, in the shade
we hope no eye can pierce.


But some relish darkness.
Peering into hollow spaces
where shadows are deep,
they push past our perimeter
of fragrant, flowering foliage


seeking out the secret dens
that hide the wounded beast-
they jab with pointed words
as cruel child pokes caged dog
with sticks.
Their pleasure, is your pain.


But those who point their nose
into dark, desperate places
may discover to their detriment-
the caged dog can be a lovely lure
into the lair of the lion.

My husband often tells me " As much as I know about you, you are still a complete mystery to me. " My thoughts for the most part ( on an intensely deep level ) are my own. I will say this though. You have in a lot of ways just described my mother. She would push, and prod for your inner most secrets just to beat you down with the stick you handed her. These methods are manipulative in the highest form to me, and offensive as hell ! As I have grown older even the slightest wiff of this bull**** makes my hairs bristle, and the first clear sign of it ? The beast is loosened.

I will be back to do the whole crit thing after my hairs have smoothed. lol

Loved it !

Cindy, a striking poem. One, I see, which deeply, struck Maggie as well. And thank, Maggie, for being open. It's time we get a firm grip on that shovel, and unbury our secrets. My stepmother had different tricks up her sleeve for me, causing me great detriment but it was my father who "relished in darkness". Mine.

Their pleasure, is your pain.

If you recall, I wrote about just about this in relationship to the father.

You know you've written a great, purposful piece when you've "hit" that soiled spot in us.

Thank you, Cindy, for sharing these parts, with beauty. Yes. There can be beauty when expressing pain. Laurie

Maggie, manipulative is something I'm very well acquainted with, unfortunately. I too am an intensely private person, and I can't stand prodders and pokers. Look forward to your further thoughts on this.

Laurie, I remember that poem you speak of, well. A very disturbing work, but gripping, like you do so well.

In stanza 3, lines 4&5, I tried to word this in such a way as to almost sound like poking when read aloud. Would like opinions on this as to whether it works or not?

Thank you both so much for your comments.

I would suggest a tiny bit of trimming, but I love this Gumby. I would cut the red () below and alter to the blue. Just my suggestions, take or leave. I like it as is.

Originally Posted by Gumby

(Most) people are like the plants
who flourish in sunlight-
turn our pretty side outward
hide the twisted, withered parts
behind us, in the shade
and hope no eye can pierce.


(but) some relish darkness.
Peer(ing) into hollow spaces
where shadows are deep,
push past our perimeter
of fragrant, flowering foliage


seek(ing) out the secret dens
that hide the wounded beast-
they jab with pointed words
as cruel child pokes caged dog
with sticks.
Their pleasure, is your pain.


(But) those who point their nose
into dark, desperate places
may discover (to their detriment-)
the caged dog can be a lovely lure
into the lair of the lion.

Thanks van, some good suggestions there. I copied and pasted them into my word to compare with the original. I like them both, too. Thanks for reading and commenting, I appreciate your eye here.

Love this Cindy. Lair of the lion, indeed. I also despise those that send their nasty tentacles on recon missions thinking their efforts go unnoticed. Devious fools deserve to have parts torn off by a lion should they poke at caged pups. Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law, lol. I believe you've succeeded with the poking motion in the stanzas you cited. Van's suggestions, I think work well, not sure if they'll mess with the poking, but they sharpen the impact just a bit. Again, loved this, once more you've written the truth with your usual finesse.

Thanks Lisa, I took van's suggestions and did an edit on it. I think you are correct, it does sharpen it a bit.

The thing about lion's, they don't even have to be very big, it's the spirit that counts. So even if you're only four and a half feet tall, if your spirit is ten feet tall... look out!

I reread this over at AA, not remembering my suggestions from here. I liked what I read there. I had to come back here and see what I had said. I do think it is a smoother read now. I don't think it took anything away. Good poem Gumby.

I agree. That tells me your suggestions were very good, van. Thank you!

I like this. We all hide something...something, that when proded, may strike out.

"they jab with pointed words
as cruel child pokes caged dog
with sticks."

However, who is the child? What is it that makes you turn inward and poised to strike?

Also, your last stanza makes me think that even if I find you intriguing...If I come too close, I may be biten. Does this mean you may bite anyone who comes close at all?

Well said and quite to the point. It reminds me of me... and how life has been in the past. The mark of effective writing is when others reading your words can identify with you and your experiences. We don't write to sell... we write because we can not restrain ourselves from it. That is a true writer of the heart.

Reese, thank you for reading and commenting. Sorry I can't answer all your questions, as I can only speak for myself when it comes to striking out. However, the child is clearly any Busybody who is looking to exploit and relish another's pain. For myself, I only bite when cornered. Otherwise, I run. Thank you, again. (p.s. I'm going to start calling you the question man, in my mind)


Robert, glad you enjoyed this. I guess we've all been in that position before, there are certainly enough busybodies to go around, eh? Thank you.