Thread: Time

The pendulum swings too fast;
You though you had the time,
But then with the reality you are faced.

So clutch now - with all the force you have left,
Those remaining moments of life, of which you never had a taste.
Clutch, grab, and make appear - those moments of life you hold so dear.

And then let go - once your hand is forced,
As we all must, for no mortal has a choice.

BT6, Welcome to WF and the Poetry page! I think this poem has great potential and is worthy of a little re-work. I have a couple of questions and suggestions:

The pendulum swings too fast;
You though you had the time, 'had the time" to what? Flesh out a bit!
But then with the reality you are faced. "reality" What could the reality be?

So clutch now - with all the force you have left, "So" is not necessary
Those remaining moments of life, of which you never had a taste.
Clutch, grab, and make appear - those moments of life you hold so dear.

And then let go - once your hand is forced, I think "And" and "then" takes away from this line. You want to get to "Let go!" You could add the explanation mark if you choose.
As we all must, for no mortal has a choice. I like this last line. It's a strong
wrap-up!

Hope I've been a bit helpful. Laurie

Heya, thanks for the reply . Also thanks for the suggestions .

The explanation part... These... What I write(I can't bring myself to say that I write poetry, it sounds crony and unreal for me to define it as such - dunno why, jsut is) - I write it for myself really, so lots of times I guess things are vague - becaus eI'm basically spitting on paper whatever emotional issues I have which I can't resolve(which is why I write, cioz' basically I suck at dealign with my own emotions, and sometimes I simpyl dont have the time - so I'll write these short... pieces... And then move on, kinda). So, explanations are omitted...

Now, about the rewriting.

The "so" which you'd rather I omit - to me it sounds good, here's how:

When I read in my mind "so clutch now" and then the "-" - which I use as a pause - a separator of sorts, it works out, but if it's merely "clutch now" + "-" then the pause comes after a very short sentence, and it doesn't sound good to me.

Sorry if it makes no sense, and also, I prolyl use the "-" thingy incorrectly there, and a ","would be better, but I use what looks better. Seriously, I know it's stupid, but it makes the piece look better. *chuckles*

" think "And" and "then" takes away from this line. You want to get to "Let go!" You could add the explanation mark if you choose.
"

That's the thing, I don't. I don't wanna rush to "let go". If I were using correct grammar I guess it'd look liek this:

"And then let go, Once your hand is forced".

There's is no rush here - you are forced, you'd like not to be - but you are, so you let go. But it's not rushed.



Again, thanks for the comments and suggestions for the write up... But I generally do not beleive in re-writes... Here's why: Whatever I write, whenever I write it - represents what I am feeling. How can I rewrite it at a moment I am no logner feeling the emotions which made me write the piece?

However, doesn't mean that it couldn't have been written betetr at that particular time - so any suggestions might actually be used in the future.

I'm basically trying to encourage tips for future, even if I ain't gonna use them for rewrites of the past. (all current threads I open are of things I wrote in the past - I got some 3-4 of them left - I don't write each day or even each month, I write whenever I have a sitaution which leaves my emotions in a mess which I can't clean up - though to be honest, I jsut wrte soemthing silly yesterday - for no appearant reason, still a mystery to me *shrugs*).

Sorry for the long reply, I tend to babble.

Oh, never apologize for length of reply. I could go on forever, sometimes. You got your point across well. Take or leave some of mine. Stay true to your instincts concerning your work. That's a good thing you've got going for you.

You "do" write poetry and there is nothing wrong with "spitting out" on paper if that is what you need to do. Get those emotions out. But if you ever decide you want to polish your work you'll need to invest a little time and thought from different angles. Poetry for catharsis is a very "healing" thing. I hope to read more of your work. I like the emotional content. Laurie

Thanks yo .

As for getting my writing polished... I intend to write novels, so I guess I'll have to work on everything... For now though, I just write whenever I feel like it.