Thread: i-llogical

it hurts.
sharp
piercing pain
to the core

heart
ache and
break penetrate
somehow

through the shield
of logic
and its cloud
over emotion.

beauty so fierce
perfection so
overwhelming

shine so
overbearing
unable to see
herself

like she's surrounded
by one-way
mirrors.

logic cloudy
with emotion.

i shouldnt
like.
two different

not alike
not the same
not worthy

i shouldnt
like.

i do.




Hey guys. First post here. I really, really want honest feedback, so please do tell me if you like it, or even hate it so much you wanna murder me for writing it.
Peace (or not)
You Wont Know Me

There are some good moments in this.

unable to see
herself

like she's surrounded
by one-way
mirrors.

That is my favorite part. It is an interesting image. Some parts have some interesting flow, like here:

heart
ache and
break penetrate
somehow

Now my main problem with the piece is that it seems a bit shallow. I am getting the main idea, but I am not sure it is enough to rise this above the average unrequited love poem. I can't feel the pain, I'm only reading about it. I think you need to add some imagery to convey the emotions you are writing about.

For instance:

it hurts.
sharp
piercing pain
to the core

What is this like? "It hurts." Okay, like what? "A sharp piercing pain to the core." Oh. What's that like? (that is where an image could come in)

Perhaps something like:

a butterfly pinned
through its body to a board
futilely flapping its wings

This adds struggle, pain, a sense of compassion for the creature. Instantly there are layers.

Welcome, YWNM! I liked the orderly structure of this piece. Words made skiny down the page.

I do agree with van that the poem needs a bit more substance. You're managing the subject of heartbreak, a classic theme from the old school all the way to modern experimental. Make your own personal stamp by digging in deep pulling out some imagery. Van gave you a good example how to flesh out feelings with the butterfly imagery.

Here's an other example you could work with:

heart
ache and
break penetrate
somehow How? Maybe,"like a silver bullet" or even more graphic like "rusted nails". Now that gives me the shivers. You want to make your audience really "feel".

pain
to the core

"to the core" Try to avoid use of cliche'

You've got some great stuff to work with here. And I think very worthy of a re-write. If you choose to do so, write and then create a new thread for it making sure you include "Edit" in the subject space. Many of us go this route so we can produce a really polished piece of work. And welcome, again. Glad you're aboard!

Wow thanks a bunch guys!
Hmm more imagery and no cliché. Well heartache's always felt like frozen daggers to me, but that doesn't add very many dimensions. I'll try and work something out. Thanks a lot for the critique!

I think "frozen daggers" sounds pretty good. Though, I might write "a thin frozen dagger" I've had headaches that have felt like that! Laurie

That frozen dagger could be good. Perhaps an ice dagger, where the dagger melts and leaves nothing but the pain and emptiness.