Thread: Hunger

As I feel my body dying,
and my struggles are for naught.
Do I lay in my bed crying,
fearing, cursing, and being distraught?

Or do I accept my fate,
to live out what I still may?
So that when the time does come,
I might lay satiated,
hungering - for none.

I admire your poem's title, BT6. It awakens the natural need for survival.

If you won't mind, there were a few places that need slight tightening:

'As I feel my body dying "and" my struggles "are for" naught.'

I suggest you could lose the "and" then add a comma(,). The "are for" could be replaced with "come to".

'I might lay satiated, hungering - for none.'

Hungry sounds better than hungering.


Thanks for the piece.

Foxryder hit it right on the nose.
And I agree with the title; it draws you in even though it is so simple.

Nice piece.

Originally Posted by Foxryder

I admire your poem's title, BT6. It awakens the natural need for survival.

If you won't mind, there were a few places that need slight tightening:

'As I feel my body dying "and" my struggles "are for" naught.'

I suggest you could lose the "and" then add a comma(,). The "are for" could be replaced with "come to".

'I might lay satiated, hungering - for none.'

Hungry sounds better than hungering.


Thanks for the piece.

First of all, thanks for the replies, Foxryder and Eden.Kaye

As to the wording... Whenever I write, I read to myself, in my own head, each two lines "rhyme" for me - or perhapes the better word is "flow" - if I replace the words the flow kinda stops.

Now, I've read other people's stuff on these boards, and I see lots of it is written completly differently, without the sort of rhyming/flow which I try to achieve, so I gess that sort of writing is cool too - but for me personaly, whenever I hear the word "poem" I instantly think of rhymes or like, a certain flow which is uninterrupted. I know this is silly since there's LOTS of ways to write - but unless I have it, I can't accept it as my own. Perhapes with time I can learn to be satisfied and love other methods of writing though .

At any rate - thanks a lot .

Originally Posted by BT6

As I feel my body dying,
and my struggles are for naught.
Do I lay in my bed crying,
fearing, cursing, anddistraught? ("being" adds too many syllables for the flow)

Do I then accept my fate, (the meter felt wrong with "or" starting the line.)
So that when the time does come, (relocated this one for the rhyme)
to live out what I still may
and lay hungering - for none. (removing "satiated" it still says the same thing and gives the stanza a weak rhyme between "come" and "none," which I think was your intention, but with better flow.)

Some suggestions for flow and rhythm, since you seem concerned with those.

Heya - thanks for the sugegstions, I do like what you did with the second part of it - but I think I prefer mine a bit more, though yours rhymes betetr, but mine stops with teh rhyming towards the last two lines to shift it in a more serious direction - atleast I think that's what I wanted to achieve at the time of writing it. All these terms, meter, to many syllabels, all of that means nothing to me - I'm a hightschool drop out, what more, English is not my primary language. I did encounter those in some history studies I did in teh past, but it was so boring I never rememebred those things - Basically it's about what makes a poem technically pretty or whatever, and that means little to me.

At any rate, thanks for all the suggestions, I'll keep reading them so it sinks in. ATM I dont' get a few things there, but I'll keep re-reading it - as I already have, and with time I'll get it .