Thread: - JUNE-2010 -

"Hiya, Jen!...Hiya
Jen, umm..." "Billy." "Yeah, It's me...
you ok, are you
sick?" "Well..." "Guess what? It's almost
Summer!, swimming & stuff...umm

you ok?" "Billy,
remember last Summer?" "Oh,
sure! We went to my
grandma's and grandpa's in umm
Florida, hahaheehee!

remember we said
'Pensicocacola' &
'Pensipepsicol...'
"Billy..." "It was great, we're gonn..."
"It's gone." "My mom just talked to

my grandma...and she
said..." "It's gone. It's really Pen-
sic-koca-cola.
I've been writing a Poem
about It, It's called 'Targobbled,

Globbtarred And Feathered'
...Billy, you ok? Bil..." "Jen
I gotta go, I'll,
I'll see ya, umm, tomorrow...
at school, ok?" "Sure. It's near

Summer..." (He turned &
ran, she turned back into her
Poem, the thoughts came

rapidly, the words
slowly she heard the dolphin
voicings, their birds b'peep

then
Humans do not deserve this Eden.

H.e.m-H'H
6.5.MMx.


Note: For "Poems For The Children", for Anthology: A Hero's Journey (2008-2010, Ed: Erik Ekstrom; see also: http://iwvpa.net/mantelhe/index.php )

As a reader, I was alienated by this pretty early on. Had I been looking for something to read, I wouldn't have gone beyond the first stanza. Because it was here, I perservered. It didn't really deliver, and whatever you were trying to get across (there is some hint of the intention of a closing moment) became lost because the structure was so fragmented.

Your biggest sin is that you put your indulgence before the ease of the reader. Sure, make things challenging, make it interesting, but ensure you do so with enough craft to make us want to read it.

I'd rethink the format. As it stands it doesn't work (and the flow of punctuation is incorrect so it further throws the reader). Trust me, if you think an editor or a reader will struggle to allow you an indulgence, you're wrong. Let the reader rad, digest and think. Sure, challenge them, but don't expect them to work for you.

Hey Pete - As a reader, I was, pretty early-on, alienated by this; however, because It is here, perseverance is key in defense of the indefensible. In the interest of syntax/format & fairness, the structure, i.e., spacings denoting the dialogue (5 spaces between speakers) had to be supplanted by the dreaded-for-Poetry quotation marks, due to the capability(?), I presume, of the software; nonetheless, the "structure" is unique in Its adoption of both dialogue & (if you failed to notice) the Tanka (& Haiku) form. Had you noticed the note underwriting the Poem, you'd have gleaned this to be-of-a-piece, timely, & highly-messaged. How much of my Work have you experienced to be qualified to perceive & judge the "biggest" transgression of my intent/style/craft... My Work is Its own merit, I am disheartened & forgiving of your dislike of my Work/unwillingness to challenge yourself to gain what the Work puts forth. TY for the suggestions, however, I am certainly not a devotee of sin, let-alone sinful verse & Its pursuit. You do not know me, nor my Work well-enough to assess "indulgence," so I heartily cannot "trust" you; I did, however, attempt to read your threads, though unsuccessful in making anything but others' comments appear, I do so want to be given every opportunity to reciprocate, kindly send a link (here or PM) for me to follow. I do not ask anything of any reader, especially in the context of "working for me," again, my Work is Its own merit, & I certainly have no indulgent intent, nor to have to lead any reader by the hand & eyes to witness their own subjectivity, which IS the intent of my Poetry/Writing. Man, if you believe this Poem is inaccessible...!? This is not a matter of right or wrong, rather of one's gift, craft, & passion for messaging through Poetry, & if I wanted to be a cookie cutter, I'd have chosen to apply at the Euphorium Bakery, eh what? To wit, I've had few trucks with readers/Editors thus far, tho' those have been quite unpleasant (say, are you by any stretch EriK from MWC; no?, well Baron can inform to this). Please do continue to read (persevere) my Poetry, I will attempt to indulge yours - H'H.

It doesn't make any sense. Your poem doesn't make any sense, and neither does your response. It kind of starts off as a decent children's book, but then it dissolves into something else...

No one is here to make YOU feel like a decent poet. If we can't understand what you're saying, then frankly, no one cares.

Reese - "Decent" as in Decorous? Accomplished? Unexposed? "Children's book?" Decent children - Giving? Friendly? Unexposed? Unfamined? Seems to me, if no one (which is doubtful in consideration of the feedback in my short tenure on WF) "understands," that ought be fodder for investigation?, given the clones of poetasters of which the Morlde is rife. What's essential & what you & Pete seem to not "get" is Poetry is by contemporary definition a modality for reaching the ignorance of the masses whose daily existence is predicated on sucking onto the produced media, with beer & whatnot in hand. Perhaps when the black, oily death reaches the Commonwealth(?) you'll better comprehend this Poet's messages - H'H.

I dub thee insane.

Originally Posted by Reese

I dub thee insane.

Flaming is not acceptable on this site. I dub thee banned for 24 hours.

Originally Posted by HaroHalola

Perhaps when the black, oily death reaches the Commonwealth(?) you'll better comprehend this Poet's messages - H'H.

And perhaps when you hop off that high horse, you might appreciate that sometimes listening to honest feedback (whether you like what it says or not) can actually give you something worthwhile to chew over.

Anyhow, as you seem to not really want feedback (why did you post it if you didn't want comments?), I shan't waste my time further with your work.

I dunno. I got it right away. The funny thing is, HH, I found this to be one of your more accessible poems without really working at it. The use of teens conversing works to play off the seriousness of the situation because there may be a tendency among some young people to ignore world events in lieu of fun.

But seriously guy, you banned some one for saying ‘I dub thee insane’

iDrew, This "guy" is now the owner of this site and is doing his best to keep it civil. Would you call it civil to read someone's work then call the author insane? Really, if you sweated out art would you appreciate someone attacking your character? I wouldn't. Laurie

I think you lack some quotation marks in last line in Stanza 3 and onwards, to make the conversation make sense. Besides that, I didn't catch any hint as to why the structure wouldn't simply break the lines whenever the speaker changes. You say something about Tanka and Haiku to Pete, though I believe those forms, rather than simple structures, have more to do with conveying meanings and feelings at a right and simplistic pace, something I didn't perceive from your stanzas. It seems nothing more than a conversation forced into a seemingly poetic form...
You also have some strange capitalisation that seem rather tucked on. Very subjective indeed, but if that is your goal then it's fine.

As for the content, I didn't get the "cola/pepsi-" references nor the "Targobbled" or "Globbtarred" ones. Google didn't help either so I take it it's just some internal thing between the two speakers.
Your ending note I couldn't match up with the content in general. Are these two persons supposed to symbolise all of humanity? Or does she, at an apparently young age, reach this conclusion because of this brief and somewhat awkward conversation with a class mate?

Sorry HaroHalola, maybe it was too deep for me, coz I didn't really get it...

And off-topic, I agree with Drew, I wouldn't call that flaming, just a rude remark...

Originally Posted by Martin

And off-topic, I agree with Drew, I wouldn't call that flaming, just a rude remark...

Could you please explain the difference between flaming and a rude remark? Ad hominem is ad hominem.

HH: With regard to the poem, I agree with Vangoghsear. I'm also glad that not all write in one style and voice as so many who offer critiques try to impose.

Originally Posted by Baron

Could you please explain the difference between flaming and a rude remark?

Well, flaming I would say is an (often continuous) action with the sole intention of humiliating another poster on an online forum. Reese was more so distancing himself from H.H.'s reply, admittedly in a rude manner, but still in relation to what was said and not in a purely degrading manner. A warning would have been in place, but a ban I think not.

vg - I am pleased to see you, have you respond to my Work as you always have, knowing It well; indeed, It IS accessible, not in designed counterpoint to my other, rather as a dialogue (again, noted in the "postscript") between "innocents-informed", gleaned in-part by Martin's observation. TY, this topic, portrayed in Its simplicity - regardless of the current proximity (http://www.facebook.com/note.php?not...p?id=528571230 - re: World Ocean Day & "The Ocean Project)) - critically affects all of us. H'H.

I believe I am right in saying that Reese had been cautioned previously by moderators about his type of post. I am sure he meant it to be more funny than malicious, and as you say a way of distancing himself from HH's reply, but either way it was rude.

As for the content, I didn't get the "cola/pepsi-" references nor the "Targobbled" or "Globbtarred" ones.

It's a play on words about the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico hitting the coast of Florida at Pensacola. HH will sometimes invent words to convey his meanings.