Thread: Negril

Originally Posted by SilverMoon

Seagulls descry this as their citadel,
colossal rock thrones where they alight to rest
only for a moment before taking wing
over glossy planed blue floor, white banded.


This is what they must see in flight
stasis water and stripes of waves
a ballroom floor, sun as chandelier.


I, waist watered, in their ocean
squint while salty spray of tides, leaping,
bite my eyes and beckon the sun
to burn me to tan into summer's girl.


My legs slog further out towards the horizon,
coral red, the colour of last night's drink,
drunk, while dread locked Jamaicans played
Moonlight Sonata on tin drums. Holy music.


My neck arched, the water a fat froth necklace,
I think of the waves as being dresses for seraphim,
turquoise and white, see-through liquid garments.


Head bent, I can see the ocean's face as clearly
as my own in front of a newly wipped mirror; wiped
yet my feet enlarged by trick of refelction, I stand upon
pebbles, stones, polished and sung to by tide's ebb and flow.


Turning towards shore, a sandy bench before the wonder,
I reach my towel where I lay down sandy toed,
where I smell coconut oil, a stretch of ripe seaweed,
sweet ice pops and the wet trunk of my lover, asleep.


A shy native boy slowly approches approaches and hands me a conshell conch or conch shell
"So you will never forget me or the ocean."

Then runs.

Laurie, this makes me yearn to return to my beloved Cuba, though we were just there in April!

This comes from a juicy, joyous and creative place and the images it conjures are delightful. However the style is over-written and somewhat self indulgent, as if there is an effort to be 'poetic' in presentation rather than give the reader the essence of the experience in as direct a way as possible. To develop your style will require extra effort in the writing process. The effort involves rumination and discrimination, a process where the old bromides of 'less is more' and 'show don't tell' can have their play.

For example

Seagulls descry this as their citadel,
colossal rock thrones where they alight to rest
only for a moment before taking wing



becomes

Seagull citadels, colossal rock thrones
where they alight, only to take wing


Art has its best chance to happen when heartfelt experience is married with conscious craft.

Hope this is helpful.

J.R.

Hi, J.R. Jamacia was absolutely beautiful! Pleased it conjured up pleasant images of Cuba for you.

Seagull citadels, colossal rock thrones
where they alight, only to take wing

I very much like the economy here which is something I'm working on.

effort to be 'poetic' in presentation rather than give the reader the essence of the experience in as direct a way as possible.

I placed effort to write a professional poetic piece. No denying that.

Essence and directness seem to be a contradiction in terms so I'm not quite sure of your meaning. My intent was to create a simple "experience". I did use the "I" to bring the reader into the "character's" experience. A kind of story telling poem which is common to Confessional poetry.

You will find that my "styles" are all over the place. This comes from a very personal place so I'm at a loss to explain here. I know that one style would suit a publisher, so I wonder if I'll ever be able to market that little book of poetry I have in mind!

You have been very helpful and look forward to your comments on future work. And thanks for corrections. Laurie

All I'm saying is your talent (which you do have, yay!) will benefit from a more conscious, conscientious (harder work!) approach to the writing process. This is definitely lacking, or you wouldn't post silly mistakes such as I corrected. 'Directness and essence' are not contradictory; but the 'directness' must be in service to the poetic experience, not to a desire to produce 'professional poetry', which is a contradiction in terms if there ever was one.

Thank you, J.R. All absorbed and taken into consideration. Yes. Harder work awaits me. Laurie