Thread: Smile

SMILE

Is all lost?
Cold air hammers within
And the sting that,
Only in dreams,
Pierces finely the summer air:
A grinning blade,
Stained.
In words of cruelty,
Words that echo,
Aged.
And warped.
Lost.
In this dark hour

All is lost.

Welcome, Flapjak! A poem with very strong imagey and I mean the sort which wakes you up! A very good poem but needs a little tidying up and some cohesiveness. I hope you don't mind but I've taken the liberty of showing you what I mean and pointing out what I think is very fine.


SMILE

Is all lost?
cold air hammers within Excellent! Unique
the sting that, "and" is not neccessary
only in dreams
pierces finely, the summer air.
break - new stanza. Right here you'll need another stanza to connect the two. As is stands, I'm lost.
A grinning blade, A grinning blade...I like this!
stained.
in words of cruelty, Words is repeated 2c, too closely together. See if you can find a subsitute for one.
words that echo,
aged, comma
and warped.
new stanza
lost no period
In this dark hour

All is lost.


Flipjak, highly suggest that you keep lower case except for first letter of begining word of each stanza. It reads more easily and comes across as more professional.

A poem definetely worthy of a re-write! You can always repost with "edit" in the title if you wish. I really enjoyed and look forward to reading more of your work. Laurie

Feeling comes across good in this, I think. The image of a grinning blade works well here. It looks like you copied and pasted from Word and it left you with a capitol on each line, which takes away from the impact of what you're saying. Other than that, I don't think you need the last line, it's stronger without it.
Good poem!

You have some nice visual in this " cold air hammers " and " "grinning blade" stand out. I need just a pinch more glue Hun, a tad more of something to stick to me. Know what I mean ?

Enjoyed the read

Hello Flipjak,

The poem carries a strong, mental picture with it. Funny me, I am highly unprofessional with giving a sound judgement to a piece in poetry. But I will try nonetheless.

I echo Gumby's view on your last line. Why? The poem seems to have started with the rhetorics... a rhetorical question that lured me quickly.

My view isn't the end in itself. Feel free to ignore. I really enjoyed the piece.