Thread: I, Spook

I suppose opaque took hold
about twenty years ago.
Not really noticeable,
just a gentle paling
of the color
on the palette of my face.

As the years did their damage,
more and more,
I became an apparition
dressed in shades so seemingly brilliant
they'd do OxiClean proud,
but it was my wanness
that made them such.

Now, when I peer into the mirror,
all I see is a parrot
perched on nothing
four and a half feet in the air.

With no vampire to blame,
it's safe to assume
I've been kidnapped
by yearning desire,
its demands for ransom
no more than a running joke.

Voluminous pockets
with bear traps at their mouths
will never be braved
in order to restore me.

Invisible to all but the bird,
I shall continue to haunt
this suffocating apartment
for it seems I'll never have
the house and garden
that would surely solidify me.

Unless, of course,
I can manage one good scare,
insurance pays handsomely
for a fatal heart attack.

Hi CD,
I really like this piece, great rhythm and mood. I love the pace at which you gradually disclose the details of the story.
Especially enjoyed S1 and this:

Originally Posted by ChestersDaughter

Voluminous pockets
with bear traps at their mouths
will never be braved
in order to restore me.

Great finish with S7 too.

C

Always seemed to be drawn in by your titles.

Also liked S1. I begin to wonder about line breaks. If you change "All I see" to "All I see is a parrot", then the next line is "perched on nothing". I kind of like that. In S6, I wonder how much "and garden" adds.

Ending on S6 changes the tone of the poem, and I think you want to keep it light.
In S7 Instead of being paid for something you'll never receive, maybe getting a spot on one of these ghost hunter shows.

I really enjoyed this poem. Ditto on great rhthym. And poetry of the supernatural. I would like to see more like this.

With no vampire to blame,
it's safe to assume
I've been kidnapped
by yearning desire,
its demands for ransom
no more than a running joke.

Loved this stanza, it's a bit heartbreaking but ends with humor. What would we do without our humor to see us through?
Good story progression here and I really like that you ended with a wicked little jab!

You may feel invisible at home, but we see you clearly here sweetie! Even if you're still accompanied by a parrot on your shoulder.

Hun

There is only one Plath poem that has endeared itself to me. It is " The Edge " . In part because it strangely reminds me of my mother, ( the insanity of it ) But also in part because it truly is a woman's poem.

So is this.

As I was reading through I kept thinking " yeah...." We can talk equality, and whatnot till cows produce chocolate milk. But at the end of the day we all KNOW there are instinctual, deep in the genetics differences between men, and women, and there always will be. You have hit that core here, and mined gold I do believe

What an imagination! Were did you get that parrot! Just wonderful. What I like about this poem and the rest of your work is that you "hint" with certain words, always causing me to re-read.

There is one stanza which perplexes me and it probably is just me.
I'm not sure how "Vampire" figures in.

With no vampire to blame,
it's safe to assume
I've been kidnapped
by yearning desire,
its demands for ransom
no more than a running joke.

The ending, your trade mark humour. How you manage this admist the dark is an amazement to me. I'm able to do this with prose but never verse. A great poem!

Dern. I missed the boat on this one. Let me flip-flop and say the ending is perfect. Now that I understand it.

I found this engaging and amusing (especially the parrot), but can't shake the feeling that the converstional tone would be better suited to longer lines

Dear C Curtis, After reading your pieces, I am honored that you found this little bit of fluff to your liking. Super happy it rolls along acceptably and that you liked the ending. I almost didn't go that route, now I'm glad I did.


Dear Nathan, I rather liked your initial interpretation, I think there is a literal ghost somewhere close in the future. Would make for an interesting piece. I'm glad the title was able to draw you in, it's a bit quirky even for me, and that you came to think the ending was perfect. I used your suggestion, thanks for that, it's much better this way.


Dear Cindy, Humor hammers heartbreak to bits, but you already know that. I'm always very pleased when you like my stuff, your opinion means a great deal to me. As for the jab, gotta do it whenever I can, and I find words are far superior for inflicting wounds than conventional weapons. No one goes to prison for attacking with strategically placed letters. And it's so much fun!


Dear Maggie, I am very flattered by your words. I firmly believe that in the absence of those differences, the world would be a very boring place. As it stands, this is a woman's piece, but switch the roles and it could apply to men also. Whomever brings home the bulk of the bacon, be it female or male, controls just about everything. Unfortunately, some choose to abuse that power. Aw, crap, now I've gone and gotten serious, and this darn thing was just for fun. Thank you for your kind words, love.


Dear Laurie, The parrot is real and my little Nico seems to be cemented to my shoulder. Ever so happy the hints don't escape you, planting them here and there is probably my favorite part of writing. The vampire reference is simple, the lack of a reflection cannot be attributed to being turned by a bloodsucker. Thrilled you enjoyed, hon.


Dear J.R., Agreed, and I've married some of the lines, but I'll have to come back with fresh eyes, I'm afraid I'll screw up the rhythm if I change too much and my mind is on Mars at the moment. Glad you found it amusing and that you liked my bird. You want him? He's a messy, bossy, pain in the butt.


Dear Drew, *with lower lip jutting out to Jersey* You removed my bear traps and now I'm pouting. This was just for fun, my last two pieces seemed too much like work, I needed to blow off some steam. I'm going to insert contrast, just haven't decided how to yet. As for the rest, I'll be returning to further refine this as soon as I complete the piece I'm working on. Too many lines in my brain battling for attention at the moment. I can understand your not liking the title, it is a bit iffy. Initially, it was I, Specter, but I switched it to spook because it fits as either a noun or a verb and I wanted both. Certainly not stellar, but I think I'm going to keep it. Truly appreciate the input, love, this could do with a little surgery, and glad you enjoyed it, despite its faults.

Thanks to all for your kind words and the benefit of your time.

All my best,
Lisa

From your original poem...

"Now, when I peer into the mirror,
all I see is a parrot
perched on nothing
four and a half feet in the air.

With no vampire to blame,
it's safe to assume
I've been kidnapped"

It started off pretty well. Your were changing into...something else. Then you mention a parrot and then a vampire. Are both of these suppose to allude to something? Because they become quickly disassociative of anything else.

You pick things up at...

"I shall continue to haunt
this suffocating apartment
for it seems
I'll never have the house and garden
that would surely solidify me.

Unless, of course,
I can manage one good scare,
insurance pays handsomely
for a fatal heart attack."

So you want to scare someone else (from what I read, you want to scare yourself) out of a certain state previously established in the poem. What is it exactly you want to scare yourself out of?

Dear Reese, Truly appreciate the read, hon, hope I can make it less vague. Because of the disregard of those with whom I reside, I am unseen. A desperate yearning for what I cannot have has caused me to slowly fade, ultimately making me invisible to all but my bird. The vampire reference just means I cannot blame my lack of a reflection on being "turned" and the bird is my constant companion and since he is the only one that acknowledges me, his role is an important one. I'm not trying to scare myself, it's my husband I'm after. Since he refuses to dip into those voluminous pockets, I'm stuck in the city without the house and garden I crave. If I should scare him to death, the insurance windfall is in my name, what better way to finance my dream? Hope this helps.

Best,
Lisa

So you want to kill your ("ex?")-husband? :p

Examine your situation. Bring yourself closer to your reader. Make them understand. Why do you not like "those with whom you reside?" Because you're unseen? Is being seen important to you? How so exactly?

"what better way to finance my dream?" Is your dream being seen? Do you think what your husband can provide will make you seen? Do you think being seen without such a thing is possible? Why not?

That is the true stuff poems are made of.

Dear Reese, I have a continuing problem with wordiness and have been told on more occasions than I care to admit that I don't allow the reader to breathe because I include too much info and make them follow too rigid a road. Readers prefer to find their own way. Sometimes, what isn't said has more impact than what is, although in this instance that doesn't apply. This piece is not about how or why I wound up invisible, including all that info would have resulted in a novel. I left it up to the reader to draw their own conclusions. It's about how I intend to get what I want. For the record, I'm fine with being unseen, I prefer solitude. I just wish I could maintain my invisible status when it's food or socks they're after. My dream is acquiring a house with a garden, that hubby thus far has been too cheap to spring for. The disregard faded me, but it's the desire for the home that made me disappear, so yes, hubby is in a position to restore me, even if only in death because he's so tightfisted. This was just for fun and enabled me to contemplate the death of my hubby yet again. Of course, if something actually happened to him, I'd be devastated, but all things are possible with fiction. I hope this helps.

Best,
Lisa