Thread: The Caging

Night, the swath
behind the moon,
anthracite and yellow belly
wedded by finger pointing.
Baby stars bat an eye lid
while I say “No!”
“I’ll not nurture this family with my pen”

It’s the carving knife I use
to slice pages I wrote you, sky,
when you were easily romanced
before he dismembered me.
The night I felt holy
then judged and jailed.

I could not smile the other day
when a child pointed to the sun.

My lips, handcuffed.

This one - rather brutal -- very moody. I like it.

stephen

Thank you, Stephen. Because it's a compact poem I used "sharp imaging" which does give it that bite. Glad you appreciated the mood of it all. Laurie

The imagery here is a dark but well-penned one. It also seems short to me although I don't expect you to change you mind on this. Maybe it's just my urge for more.

Thanks,

Foxryder.

Foxyder, funny you mention length. This is probably the shortest poem I've ever written. Usually they go on for sometime. Glad you appreciated it. Laurie

this gave me goose bumps when i read it earlier today
and then i gave a shudder - it must have hit a nerve

i do think though, there's something required in stanza two
to straighten out the he, me, you bizzo, it's a bit overkill ...

or was that your intention ?

i think it would pack the punch it so deserves with a tidy up
is just what struck me as i was reading it for the fourth time

It’s the carving knife I use
to slice pages I wrote you
when you were easily romanced
before he dismembered me
the night he made me feel holy
then judged and jailed me

but please, take me with a grain of salt, SilverMoon

and i think the last line is fantastic, love the imagery

Hi, Ash. I made some changes in stanza two and I do think it reads for the better. Thank You. I'm glad you enjoyed the "haunt". Was my full attention to get nerves crawling. Thank you for your attention! Laurie

Very beautiful imagery. It sets an amazing atmosphere, but it's hard for me to describe...

Perhaps... Vengeful with a bit of a helpless undertone?

Thank you, Seven. I wasn't looking so much for vengeful. In all truth, the woman allowed herself to let this man cause her to sink so deeply. He does come across as "villanous" and this is all coming from her persepective. I'm just now taking a second look at "vengefull". Do you mean her refusal to write "pretty" e.g. the sky after the break up? I wrote this more as her incapability to write about beauty since the ugly struck her. But there's no denying she's angry.

I'm glad you enjoyed the atmosphere of it all and the imagery. Laurie

Yes, this one has a very moody and edgy feel to it Laurie. You got those feelings across very well.

Originally Posted by SilverMoon

Night is the curtain behind the moon (trying to conjure that image in my head )
anthracite and yellow belly ( I am almost inclined to think that "hard-coal" might be better than anthracite. Anthracite seems almost too big of a word for this piece )
wedded by finger pointing
baby stars bat an eye lid
while I say “No!”
“I’ll not nurture this family with my pen”

( I would like to see the last three lines of this stanza tied together a tad more. "Wedded" brings the image of a ceremony. My mind is imagining baby stars as flower-girls, batting their eyes, the wrong fingers extended, and you saying something along the lines of " I do NOT! " lol )

It’s the carving knife I use
to slice pages I wrote you, sky,
when you were easily romanced
before he dismembered me
the night I felt holy
then judged and jailed

( Take the "wedded" image away, and this stanza holds its own beautifully, but the whole wedded image is distracting me from that. )

I could not smile the other day
when a child pointed to the sun

My lips, handcuffed.

( I love the ending here. )

I have been reading this off, and on this morning. The word "wedded" is bugging me . lol The image connected to that word is very specific, and not seeing it more played out distracts.

My apologies if this is a bit rambling, but hopefully you get what I am seeing

Maggie, thanks for the time you took to break this down. But I can't let "wedded' go above all else. Ha! I almost wrote "Black anthracite" and then realized it would have been redundant. I wanted this word to contrast "yellow belly". I've been studying Sylvia Plath and some others of her genre and have been noticing the mix of words; complex and then the simple close by. I find it appealing so henceforth anthracite along with yellow belly. Mind you, I'm experimenting, here. I'm pleased you liked the last line. I usually end my work with a punch of some sort.

Thanks, Cindy. Definetely an edgy piece and am glad you like it for what it is.

Hi Laurie,

I like this piece. It's short and to the point, full of imagery. The woman in this poem let's it all out by saying,

“No!”
“I’ll not nurture this family with my pen”

I like the use of "wedded". It gives me the feeling she's hell-bent on doing so.

Hi, Nellie. Thank you for enjoying the use of imagery and word "wedded" which was used as a point of "connection", directed lyrically. Nothing concrete about it, so I appreciate your wry humour!