Thread: When Delilah Knocks

What do you do when Delilah knocks?
At your front gate, she waits;
And she is not the style God swore she was.
Dressed in your Levis, a younger, smaller pair,
you stare at this little girl.

She's just a girl, just a girl.

You look for his locks of hair
in her tiny hand, trying to understand
this snip of sin, committed
in a moment of cut sight.
That is her sin. What then is his?
His is the trimming off of you...

Once a girl, just a girl.

Delilah cries, and pillars fall,
faith dies. God is a myth, God is a myth,
and Sampson tells lies to his wife.
Biblical burns those grounded edges of life.
as you invite the concubine in for coffee.

What would you do if
Delilah knocked on your door?

Hit her in the head with a baseball bat and then stomp what remained of her head into a bloody pulp. With a smile I'd turn and head for the couch to shove that bat exactly where it belonged. As you can see, I feel very strongly about this type of situation. I loved this, Maggie, that coffee invite was so civil, hiding a little arsenic in the kitchen, eh? If there's anything wrong with it, I didn't catch it, save for the spaces next to some of the punctuation. You told me always to mention that. I'll come back when I'm not foaming at the mouth with a keener eye. Much enjoyed, hon, got my blood boiling which always reminds me I'm alive.

I couldn't be a civil as this person was. It just isn't in me. Mentally, I'd be beating Samson's brains out with Lisa's bat. Physically, I'd be packing my stuff and leaving.

Good poem, Maggie! You just keep them coming!

Maggie: This is a wonderfully conceived poem. It entertains with word play while delivering a huge weight of sadness.

this snip of sin, committed
in a moment of cut-off sight.

Biblical burns in the grounds of a life.
as you invite the concubine in for coffee.

These lines are particularly good imho.

I`ll mention a couple things for your consideration.

``biblical burns on the grounds of life`` makes more visual sense to me, as I see scars from lightning bolts on what was well ordered

I would consider removing the NO! A quieter transition would make the following sentences even more poignant, I think.

I`m not sure the repetition of the initial question at the end works in this case. That question has just been answered and asking it again implies a multipicity of `you`s` which muddies things a bit. The other thought would be to keep it and go to the first person ``I`` for the central portion of the poem.

Nice work, well balanced in thought and feeling.

Hello Maggie,

I have to echo the sentiments of all the above. It is a wonderful expressive poem full of amazing imagery (you can just imagine having coffee with a concubine).
The way you have constructed this poem is beautiful. I really enjoyed this BRAVO!

wacker

For me, this needs a slight tightening up. It's nice in that it provokes a strong image, but I figure that for you, nice isn't quite what you wanted to achieve. I couldn't really get a feel for what you, as the writer, felt. You present a situation and consider it, but I wanted more, maybe a taste of your inner thoughts and feelings.

For my tastes, I'd drop the two single lines ending "just a girl", and I'd also have something of a debate as to whether to drop the final two lines. It asks a question that is difficult to answer, because we don't get to see your rage/pain/anger/suffering. What we do get, is a bit of what may be stunned analysis, or might be apathy. Also, while I'm looking at this, the repetition of God is a myth didn't add anything for me.

Whilst these issues are more stylistic, and can either be ignored or taken, the real problem with this was that I didn't feel that I got a real understanding of your feelings. It was almost clinical in parts. I wanted a real under-the-skin look at your raw emotion, and I didn't get it.

Maggie, great story telling getting my ire up as well. As I see it, feel it, the poem is not wrapped up BUT this is a good thing. I want to know what goes on in that kitchen sharing coffee. I like cliff hangers. Maybe, an idea to spur another poem?

The following took me to a very strong lyrical place in this context which did distract me a bit and took away the power of the "statement". I don't think the repetition works here.

She's just a girl, once a girl

I think "She's just a girl" etc. would be more powerful on own.

Once a girl, just a girl

Same applies to the the following as well.

God is a myth, God is a myth,

Aside from this nit, a tremendously moving poem and well crafted. Laurie

Hit her in the head with a baseball bat and then stomp what remained of her head into a bloody pulp. With a smile I'd turn and head for the couch to shove that bat exactly where it belonged. As you can see, I feel very strongly about this type of situation. I loved this, Maggie, that coffee invite was so civil, hiding a little arsenic in the kitchen, eh? If there's anything wrong with it, I didn't catch it, save for the spaces next to some of the punctuation. You told me always to mention that. I'll come back when I'm not foaming at the mouth with a keener eye. Much enjoyed, hon, got my blood boiling which always reminds me I'm alive.

Now now.... lol As I said, he removed you from the equation. She had no idea you existed. Her sin was youthful stupidity. His ? * raising an eyebrow* The funny thing Darlin was I was more annoyed with the fact that I had this 18 year old kid at my kitchen table teaching her the facts of life than I was with the fact that she slept with my ex-husband. lol My anger ? I reserved that for him. lol Thank you much Hun

I couldn't be a civil as this person was. It just isn't in me. Mentally, I'd be beating Samson's brains out with Lisa's bat. Physically, I'd be packing my stuff and leaving.

Good poem, Maggie! You just keep them coming!

As I said , Yeah Samson had a problem when he came home ! LOL Thank you Gumby

J.R. - I agree with your thoughts on this wholeheartedly . Next on my list of things to do is go edit. Thank you Hun

Wacker - Thank you much for the read. Glad you enjoyed

Honestly Pete The whole point of the piece was the question. We all are quick to say what we would do in these scenarios, but when they are standing in front of you, and not as cut, and dried as you envisioned them, your response is truly up for grabs. The minute I announced WHO I was the girl started bawling. She had no clue, and my anger went away. She had been betrayed right along with me. The next thought was simply " What do I do now ? " As far as the nits ? I do see your point, and will give them some deep thought. Expounding upon this further is what immediately comes to mind. Once again I thank you for your in depth read.


Laurie - You have actually touched on something that occurred to me just now. During the actual conversation I was very shocked/distracted. It was hard to focus my mind, a kinda of lyrical whirling going on in it, for lack of a better way of putting it. I might have been subconsciously trying to recreate that within this piece. I don't know. Certainly something to think about. I thank you for the read, and your wonderfully astute suggestions.


Thanks everyone

During the actual conversation I was very shocked/distracted. It was hard to focus my mind, a kinda of lyrical whirling going on in it, for lack of a better way of putting it. I might have been subconsciously trying to recreate that within this piece.

Maggie, I had no idea that this was "your" story. A "Portrait" piece, I thought. I can certainly now understand your the need to repeat "Just a girl". Probably a great need to make her the victim as well. Not left by yourself alone as one. And you two she sharing coffee. Two victims together, perhaps bonding against the culprit even subconsciously. Brave woman to write about this. And matters like this should be put out there. So many women can identify, more than thought because they keep their mouths closed out of shame.

We've spoken before about Confessional poetry. I believe you might reference the "I" here and there, mininmally as not to overdue it. Or any creative means to expose yourself a bit more. It will connect the reader to "your experience".

Again, I read this as a portrait of "some" woman. This is much for me to ask, but only if your inclined, I would be very interested in reading a re-write where "you" figure in more directly. If this is too much, I understand why. It's just such an incredible poem evermore so now it was your experience.

This poem is as brave as it is. What I'm suggesting is to take it a step further if you wrote it to be confessional. ((Hugs)) Laurie

Originally Posted by SilverMoon

Maggie, I had no idea that this was "your" story. A "Portrait" piece, I thought. I can certainly now understand your the need to repeat "Just a girl". Probably a great need to make her the victim as well. Not left by yourself alone as one. And you two she sharing coffee. Two victims together, perhaps bonding against the culprit even subconsciously. Brave woman to write about this. And matters like this should be put out there. So many women can identify, more than thought because they keep their mouths closed out of shame.

We've spoken before about Confessional poetry. I believe you might reference the "I" here and there, mininmally as not to overdue it. Or any creative means to expose yourself a bit more. It will connect the reader to "your experience".

Again, I read this as a portrait of "some" woman. This is much for me to ask, but only if your inclined, I would be very interested in reading a re-write where "you" figure in more directly. If this is too much, I understand why. It's just such an incredible poem evermore so now it was your experience.

This poem is as brave as it is. What I'm suggesting is to take it a step further if you wrote it to be confessional. ((Hugs)) Laurie

*smiles* I wrote in another piece concerning my first marriage, " I wear the lamb's blood well." That's what I thought good Catholic wifes did. LOL Looking back on it, I realize now I set the poor shmuck up to be the ass ( and he accommodated me ) As far as bonding with her ? Nahhh not so much. I was in my late 30's, and she was 18 . The only thing we had in common was him. ( Not exactly something you wanna bond on trust me lol ) As I told Pete the point of the piece was the question itself ( Hence why I removed me from the equation ) Obviously I didn't hit the mark because I wanted it shown that it wasn't the sex that was the betrayal. It was the omission of the wife. She didn't know I existed, and he behaved as if I didn't. Just as what got Samson in a bind was not that he slept with Delilah, but that he wasn't honest.

Thanks Hun

" I wear the lamb's blood well."

Just have to say, I love this line.

Maggie, I've been married twice, almost a third time. I was betrayed each time. And you're correct. It's not just about the sex but about "emotional" abandonment. Some women can easily rationalize and say "He was just with a chippy. He "loves" me".
But when you hear his voice, that special voice, whispering into the phone late at night you (I) feel an unbearable sinking.

Obviously I didn't hit the mark because I wanted it shown that it wasn't the sex that was the betrayal.

No, I think it was a matter of me not reading closely enough!

I just wrote a very short (unusual for me) poem about betrayal. I guess it's the topic for the week. Really, it is a forever topic which should be written about whenever it strikes us.