Thread: Baby Haunts her Corner

EDIT 1

Baby sports more prints
than bagged forties
passed 'round her corner.
Eyes never to see twenty,
reflect a century's
worth of torture.

Mater shared her habit
with busty preteen
in threadbare bra,
now every venous road
is run ragged
by spawned track star.

Cheeks peek
from beneath
a tiny denim tease,
when you wanna work,
advertising captures sleaze.
Daddy takes his share;
pink limo must be prime.
Gotta have a guardian
to keep the tricks in line.

Mama's a magician
who makes stuff disappear,
bags, bucks, and self esteem
vanish when she's near
"Can't sell my shriveled prune,
but you're still nice and ripe,
best pass that pipe on over
cuz it was me who gave you life."

Spoonfuls of sugar
amply sweeten the pot,
those lovely little nods
are all poor Baby's got
Despite stiletto wobble,
she's always in the game,
palming chips
from countless hands
'fore dawn dents
dark's bruised remains.

Ghost leans upon a lamppost,
glittered orbs drooping closed.
She slurs a seductive pricelist,
with her pretty ass exposed
and perceives the scent of pig
through a septum deprived nose.

Illuminated aluminum
declares Times Square,
but that's just for the tourists,
walking dead are well aware,
a blurred peer at the backside
bares Satan's Thoroughfare;

an avenue of excess
worn down to cobblestone,
sprinkled with spent syringes
and powdered babies' bones.

I will have more to say when I pick my jaw up off the floor. THAT was like a really good punch to the gut ! One helluva a slap to wake up !

Packs a punch indeed! You my dear, are evolving right before my eyes!

I would say this is my favorite stanza, but I don't think it's the only one!

Mama's a magician
who makes stuff disappear,
bags, bucks, and self esteem
vanish when she's near
"Can't sell my shitty prune,
but you're still nice and ripe,
best pass that pipe on over
cuz it was me who gave you life."

From beginning to end this is a well told story. That last stanza has a nice bite to it Lisa. Good work, hon! I'll be back for more, too.

Brilliantly constructed, except for three parts:


Spoonfuls of sugar
amply sweeten the pot,
those lovely little nods
are all poor Baby's got
Despite stiletto wobble,
she's always in the game,
collecting chips
from countless hands
'fore dawn dents
night's bruised remains. Rhythm could be tightened here.


Illuminated aluminum
declares Times Square,
but that's just for the tourists,
walking dead are well aware,

blurred what? peer at the backside
bares "along"? Satan's Thoroughfare; why the enjambment between these two lines and the previous stanza?

an avenue of excess
worn down to cobblestone,
soon to be repaved
with babies' powdered bones. Clunky rhythm. Don't like the change in voice here either, from descriptive to declarative.


Other than those issues, this is some extremely powerful writing CD.

Tired but awfully impressed cd. Will return soon.

cheers
J.R.

Lisa, this is my favorite poem this far. You've really captured the very dark side of a young girl, ruined. Startlingly sad. Like Cindy, this is my favorite stanza:

Mama's a magician
who makes stuff disappear,
bags, bucks, and self esteem
vanish when she's near
"Can't sell my shitty prune,
but you're still nice and ripe,
best pass that pipe on over
cuz it was me who gave you life."

I see you have some speechless. This is sign you've done a brilliant job! And you have. Bravo! Laurie

I have sat here, and thought about actually critiquing this. I'm sure there are nits we all can find to improve this already fine piece. But I think I would rather touch upon another point/subject/belief. It has been my experience ( Although I have seen no sign of it here, Thank God ) that poems such as this tend to be ill-received due to their subject matter. Subjects like this are not "pretty", refined, socially inspiring They are things the "poetic" mind does not want to dwell upon, etc , etc. I say please continue to delve into the darker side. even if only on occasion.

The"Romantic" has its place, but not in this. You showed the "poverty" of spirit, and will with an unflinching eye, and an accurate depth. I commend the brazen manner you have addressed the brazenly bottomless pit some are in. The only way to rise from a hole is to see the hole for exactly what it is.

Damn fine read Darlin ! I am still impressed

Hello CD,

A really fine piece of work here.


"Cheeks peek
from beneath
a tiny denim tease,
when you wanna work,
advertising captures sleaze.
Daddy takes his share;
pink limo must be prime.
Gotta have a guardian
to keep the tricks in line".

This Stanza made me visualize you as the person working for the sake of earning an income for the baby, while I tried to visualize me being the "Daddy"...lol. Unfortunately for me I could not raise myself up off the ground to this guys standard, so I imagined myself as the slime on the street instead. That seemed to be appropiate for me having visualized rude images of you in this situation..LOL

However on a serious note, I think you did a nice job on this work.

Wacker

Dear Maggie, There are still things wrong with this, some I'm aware of, others probably not, so if anything is sticking out as horrendous, please let me know. Pieces like this are often shunned, but not here, or at least not in my experience. I've written a great deal of these, it's what I'm most comfortable with and most have been received fairly well despite the discomfort they probably cause the reader. Whenever you have a moment, I'd love it if you would check out Coddling the Warden as it is my favorite of the lot. I'll never give them up, I assure you. I agree with all of your points wholeheartedly, I see no sense in prettying up shit, even if you dress it up in lace, it's still shit. My detachment (which you share and we've discussed) make these possible to write. Nasty stories all, but situations like this do exist and ignoring them doesn't make them disappear.The suffering of others breaks my heart and in this piece I was able to address that suffering on three separate levels. If ever I regain my health, I intend to volunteer at some facility in order to do some hands on good. Writing about them may increase awareness but it doesn't lessen their pain. Sorry for the rant, I feel very strongly about this piece. I am thrilled it moved you so, Maggie, I may not have hit the bullseye, but at least my dart landed on the board.


Dear Cindy, I'm sure you've read what I've already said, so I won't re-rant, ugh, I'm making up words again. I'm elated I was able to punch you also, sorry love, couldn't resist. I cannot thank you enough for your comment on my evolution, for it is that that I desire most, and that you believe it's happening means the world to me. I have a deal with Pokemon but can't collect until the evolution is complete. I have to lighten the tone a bit, you know me, use humor to make the bogeyman retreat. Happy you were touched, my friend.


Dear Edge, Powerful from you is more than I could have hoped for. Thank you so much. Your points are all valid and you zeroed in on what I know is weak and needs fiddling with. Getting the rhythm to flow in this piece was a nightmare, had me throwing things and practically in tears, but I know the bumps you mention are a problem. I spent so much time on this and needed a little distance because it became one big blur. My desire to share was overwhelming and I thought if I posted, someone would come to my rescue. So if you, or anyone else has ideas, please share them. I thought changing collecting chips to palming chips might help, but still not good enough. I love 'fore dawn dents night's bruised remains, but it has too many syllables, I'm going to have to change it to fix that bump. "blurred peer" began as blurry, but the extra syllable was a problem. That line and the following just mean if you look at the backside of the street sign it reads Satan's Thoroughfare, but it is poorly conveyed. Those lines have been changed repeatedly and still don't really work, and the separation was accidental, there were other lines in there and I didn't scoot them up as I was supposed to. The final stanza is a bigger problem, I get what you're saying but didn't realize it until you pointed it out. I was okay with that stanza, not I'm thinking it has to be replaced entirely. Appreciate your input immensely, if you have advice please pass it along, I can't tell you how crazy this piece has made me.


Dear J.R., I've always respected and admired your work, so that you are impressed gladdens me greatly. I look forward to any suggestions you have, I've benefited from your keen eye on many occasions.


Dear Laurie, I'm glad you and Cindy like that stanza, rewrote the damn thing at least twenty times in the hopes that Mom the bitch would evoke some type of response. I'm happy this is now your favorite of mine, I think it's mine now, too. Truly appreciate your gracious words.


Dear Paul, You are such a cad, lol. I appreciate your interpretation of that stanza although it's not exactly what I intended, but I'm sure you already know that. I'm delighted you found it fine.


My sincere thanks to all for your precious time, and please remember, suggestions are welcome with open arms and will be greatly appreciated. Apologize again for the rant.


All my best, always,
Lisa

I've edited this a bit, those bumpy bits were nagging at me. Thanks to Edge who allowed me to use him as a sounding board. In S5, I've changed collecting to palming and night's to dark's, hoping to smooth the bump, if you have a moment, let me know if it's still a speed bump. I've added an "a" before blurred and changed the last two lines of the final stanza, hopefully changing it from declarative to descriptive. Since the curse before prune was censored, I changed it to shriveled. Let me know if it's better or if it still needs work. Thanks, my lovelies.

All my best,
Lisa

Lisa- Wow. I prefer this kind of poetry, so keep 'em coming.

Others pointed out my favorite stanzas but 'wobbly stilettos' and 'powdered babies bones' also stood out. Does 'babies' need an apostrope here?

Love the changes Lisa, really good work!

Whenever I read a piece that is so beautiful, I tend to lose my own words to it in the first few minutes. Describing the work seems...*deep breath* incomplete to me. Your work did the magic.

I wish I could help you with ideas but I am just a starter who knows little.

Great write, Lisa.

Dear Nathan, Thank you, love. My curiosity has gotten the better of me, when you say you prefer this type of poetry, are you referring the the structure or the content? Most certainly needs that apostrophe, I missed it when I typed in it, what a dope I am, I should have just copied and pasted from Word. Thanks so much for catching that.


Dear Cindy, Thanks so much, hon. I worked really hard on this and those errors were nagging the hell out of me. I'm so glad it works better for you and appreciate your taking the time to tell me.


Dear Foxryder, Can't thank you enough for such kind words. I'm elated you enjoyed. Please don't sell yourself short, you maybe a beginner, but your promise is clearly evident and I look forward to seeing you blossom.

Thank you all for sharing your precious time with me.

Best,
Lisa

Lisa- I was referring to the content. MaggieG said it better. Poetry from The Dark Side.