Thread: Methadone Home

Sallow skin
and nicotine fingers.
Mattress underbelly slit
entrails bared.
Bottled urine.

Sharon reeks of tobacco
and musty hamper.
She supplies the laced
smokes.

Last meal
from soup kitchen
and alley leftovers.

Abused and stiffed
by Johns. Too weak
to collect.

Open sores feed
rat dreams.
Sewer nightmares.
Black sleep.

'Abused and stiffed
by Johns. Too weak
to collect.'

the whole thing is sad, but this part especially

What do you think about "Sewer nightmares"? I was thinking that maybe I should drop that.

I dig. "Sewer nightmares" works fine.

Edgewise - Thanks. Wasn't sure.

Very dark and sad piece Nathan. But it works very well, the minimalist approach makes for a strong impact. Good poem!

Gumby - Thanks. Usually tend to write minimalist. But I always struggle with not quite showing enough, making it difficult for the reader to understand what's going on.

The title immediately drew me in as I've been working on something a somewhat akin to this theme. The minimalist forms works well and there's more than enough for the reader to get the picture. Agree you should keep "Sewer nightmares", it compliments the preceding lines nicely. My only nit is your choice of breaks in S3, but that just may be me, and I would get rid of way in alleyway. May I suggest:

Last meal
from soup kitchen
and alley leftovers.

You captured the less than optimal existence very well. Kudos.

Best,
Lisa

Lisa - Thanks. Changed. I like how that S looks, now. But it's such a clean looking S, it makes me want to change all the others as well.

There's really no need to change the rest, Nathan, it's fine as it is. The only other I might consider is dropping and nicotine down to the next line. Forgive me, love, I'm a bit anal when it comes to breaks, so don't let me worry you. Since S3 still relates the same thing, I think it's a matter of it being "visually" clean (lined up pleasingly). It's impossible to makes all stanzas look "pretty", the words themselves are far more important than how attractive the eyes find them, so don't knock yourself out. I hope this makes some sense, I have a hell of a time saying what I mean.

Best,
Lisa

Made change but one thing. How bout that? I'd rather end with 'skin' than 'and'. I understand making things visually clean.

That's exactly what I meant:

Sallow skin
and nicotine fingers.

Told you I'm lousy at relating what I mean. I never end on and, of, or from, as a rule, but when it comes down to it, it's all a matter of the poet's personal preference. Sorry for being such a nag, dear, and I still really like this piece.

Lisa- It's cool. Looks cleaner now.

Nathan, you did a remarkable job of getting across the down and out, nitty gritty conditions and experience in such an environment. And all this using an economy of words. I read your poem over again and then once more to absorb your imagery. Brilliant, I will say. Laurie

Laurie - Thanks. Somebody has suggested more upfront. Maybe two or three S to show the lead up to the home. Do you think that would work here?