Thread: Remember?

Remember when we moved
Because the house resonated
With the hum of the interstate?

The bricks
Tuned to the asphalt.

We had dreams that didn’t make sense.

Whispering to one another about them
In the pitch
Under the cotton bedding.

Radial coast liners
And
Inter-dimensional immortality.

Sketching a map for the Anosmiac fox
That lived in the back yard.
So she would find her way back to the den.

We moved a few months later.
Packed our things into beer crates and left.

Thirty miles out.
A small four room.
On three acres.

The home was a mute; as were our slumbering minds.
We said nothing to each other.
No midnight epiphanies.
No threadbare monsters.

The animals that lived in the yard here
Had functional olfactory systems.
They had no problem finding their shelters.

We slept as the silence devoured Us.

MW, using an economy of words is sometimes a good thing when writing verse but I think this poem is a little too skinny. If you expand a little more, I think it would have more impact. Laurie

First of all, welcome!

Love what you have so far, but I agree with Silvermoon in that it needs a touch more. I think you need to keep it as minimal as possible, but still tie your last line in with those first ones a little better.

Welcome!

There is something very intriguing and mysterious about this. I pretty much like it as is. If you can build on it, great.

And I love your user name. Pretty much applies to all of us, I think.

Thanks for the input. I agree that it's a little 'skinny' and I'm looking at how to expand it. I'm in the process of editing/adding to this and as soon as I like what it's become, I'll post it. Thanks again.

I agree -- what you have here is really, really good. I liked it so much I wanted a little more...


stephen

Looking forward to seeing where this one goes, it's very nice!

Yes... This tickles the imagination.

more please

Ugh, I guess I'll be the fly in the ointment. I like it loads as is. I was quite content with what my mind conjured and didn't feel the need for more detail. I do suggest, however, that you consider the popular opinion of expanding as I am just a bit strange. I found this piece very intriguing and it worked well for me. Welcome, MostlyWater (great name), I look forward to future offerings from you.

Best,
Lisa

Bump, so everyone will get a peek at the edit. Pressed for time, liked it with a quick read through, will return. Have to mention that the caps every line are distracting. I'm glad I popped by to read this again quickly, thanks for the surprise.