Thread: focus finds the familiar

focus finds
the familiar
comforts,

excludes the new
like a spyglass view

dreams lie dormant
beyond our vision

vistas past
the paths
we’ve tread

daily plot,
a mundane
millstone,

grinding
hopes into
daily bread

search for trees
beyond the forest
missing all
the life between

beauty lies
there all around us
undisclosed in the
place of dreams

This is very dreamy and beautiful Van, from start to finish. For those of you who don't know, this was the winning poem in a contest on AA the subject was your dreamplace. This certainly fit the subject perfectly.

van, mere existance. Not giving up in the staying of one's comfort zone. Imobile, almost a trance like state/the dreamy quality of this poem.

But then the futility when one tries emerge from the chyrsalises.

search for trees
beyond the forest
missing all
the life between

A very heart felt ending.

beauty lies
there all around us
undisclosed in the
place of dreams

Before my days, van, but I can understand why you won the prize!

Hi vangoghsear,

I rather like the premise of this - the idea that the world is habitualisation, we learn in order to ignore, leaving the world unsurprising and so familiar we hardly notice things. It makes me think of the Russian formalist theory that art seeks to render the world anew, ie. defamiliarision through art.

That said, I find your piece too didactic for my tastes. I'd rather perhaps it end on a very specific, defamiliarising image, through which I can see myself this beauty all around us. Instead it ends on an abstraction "place of dreams" which I don't really get much from at all.

When you say "dreams lie dormant/ beyond our vision" - can you show this? What dreams are these - perhaps a specific desire/aspiration? Maybe even bringing this piece into the first person would heighten the immediacy and lessen the didactic tone, bringing out individual examples.

I also wonder why the piece is only partially punctuated? There are three commas in the whole piece, and no capital letters or full stops. A lot of the lines I had to re-read because of the lack of punctuation, and the lack of articles made it quite choppy. I think "we've tread" should be "we've trod," as the present perfect tense.

Hope some of this has been vaguely helpful,
-R

V

You are so competent in this minimalist form. ( I've told you before I suck at it ! lol ) But this -

grinding
hopes into
daily bread

is beyond competent. It is simply wonderful . I do agree with Laurie's assessment, as well as a few of rainhand's nits so I see no reason in repeating good evaluations already given. Other than that, I found this a very enjoyable read

I've already commented on this challenge winner. I love the subtlety of that message hidden behind the dream.

I really like the idea here and also believe it to be true in too many cases. It also reads really well.

I loved the lines:

'grinding
hopes into
daily bread'

Love,

Firebird

Nice work. I'm digging this. I've been exploring similar themes -- sort of wondering how I ended up in the 'burbs with with a wife, two kids and a lawn. Not that I'm complaining, really. My hopes haven't exactly been ground into bread.

"Mmmmmmm. Hope bread."

Originally Posted by rainhands

It makes me think of the Russian formalist theory that art seeks to render the world anew, ie. defamiliarision through art

Spot on the meaning.

Originally Posted by rainhands

I also wonder why the piece is only partially punctuated? There are three commas in the whole piece, and no capital letters or full stops. A lot of the lines I had to re-read because of the lack of punctuation, and the lack of articles made it quite choppy. I think "we've tread" should be "we've trod," as the present perfect tense.

I always feel like capitals and punctuation have too much weight in short line poetry. For instance, I left the period off at the end of the final stanza because I want the reader to drift on in their thoughts. I had a period after "spyglass view" and took it out. The pause felt too long. I usually start with all the articles and punctuation then pare it down to what feels right. Oh and "tread" rhymes with "bread." I maybe should make it "we tread" though. Hmmm.

I will consider your other comments. Thanks!

Gumby, Silvermoon, MaggieG, Lady S, Firebird, JosephB, Thanks for your comments all, glad you liked this. It seems the message is coming through pretty good. There are times when driving my same route to work that I will just look beyond the usual grove of trees and see something I never saw before, that reminds me of traveling on vacation and gives a rush of pleasant memories. That was the inspiration for this piece.

I haven't the sufficient words necessary to praise this superb piece. I also voted for it and was elated you won, Van. Like everyone else, I love, "grinding hopes into daily bread" as well as "excludes the new like a spyglass view" (that's me alright), sheer brilliance. Once again, intense depth related in few words, an ability I truly admire. Enjoyed tremendously, love, and left in even more awe than usual.