Thread: Isle of Bill

My chosen isle
became uninhabitable,
its land pocked by pitfalls
of ravenous quicksand
threaded with magma freshets
from a malcontent
and ever erupting volcano.

With a blast of steam
at my back
I took refuge in choppy water,
but remained near enough
to eye the shore
with the hope peace would envelope
swirling grains of glass.

Too tired to tread
and sipping brine,
with a sultry sunrise I spied
a welcoming body on the horizon.
Without remorse,
I turned my back on tumult
and with the grace of a swan,
swam toward serenity.

Making landfall
I hugged sweet sand,
allowing my limbs
to bask in warmth
both alien and exhilarating,
and soon fell
beneath the love bespeckled spell
that governed the Isle of Bill.

With safety only strokes away,
I again braved the bereaved beaches
I'd abandoned,
but when puffs of smoke
sullied the sky
I'd hit the waves and take a dive
surfacing only
when the heat of my retreat
embraced me.

More and more hours were spent
on foreign foreland
until my resort wearied
of an unfairly imposed time share.
A silk sail was raised
to capture Neptune's breath
and carry my sanctuary northward.

I declined an invitation
inked with salty drops of soul
for fear I'd forgotten
how to subsist in calm waters,
and more so,
that I'd still be within
the molten reach
of a sputtering mount
furious at the loss
of its supremacy.

A fool I was,
for with the next gale
the stratum was barren.

Now, when heavens rain soot,
there's no choice
save the choppy sea for me.
A fate surely deserved
by such a spineless jellyfish.

From whatever waters
you now grace,
I wish you'd toss me a line.
I promise you a steadfast hold
should you see fit
to tow me toward your sorely missed
sunlit shores.
My flesh remains adrift,
but my firmly anchored core
resides at your side, Bill,
sight unseen.

I have been stranded on this isle, too. A good way to describe a bad relationship.

My chosen isle
became uninhabitable,
its land pocked by pitfalls
of ravenous quicksand
threaded with magma freshets
from a malcontent
and ever erupting volcano.

My isle had a different name, but was just as heavenly.

Too tired to tread
and sipping brine,
with a sultry sunrise I spied
a welcoming body on the horizon.
Without remorse,
I turned my back on tumult
and with the grace of a swan,
swam toward serenity.

Making landfall
I hugged sweet sand,
allowing my limbs
to bask in warmth
both alien and exhilarating,
and soon fell
beneath the love bespeckled spell
that governed the Isle of Bill.

This is where it gets sad to me. I was fortunate enough to remain on my Isle, though it wasn't easy and it definitely came at a price.

I declined an invitation
inked with salty drops of soul
for fear I'd forgotten
how to subsist in calm waters,
and more so,
that I'd still be within
the molten reach
of a sputtering mount
furious at the loss
of its supremacy.

Not sure if I'm reading this at you intended Lisa, but it fits so well with an episode of my life and brought it all back to me clearly.

Darlin

I just wanted you to know I haven't forgotten this piece. I have been studying it off and on today. Will be getting back to you

Another well executed metaphor. There is a spot that fell into a sort of rhyme that actually took me out of the poem, but I don't think I'd change it it probably just worried me.

Here is the spot:

...sullied the sky
I'd hit the waves and take a dive
...

Did it throw anyone else? It was just a small hiccup.

Overall really liked it. Again, sad situation.

Favorite part:

Too tired to tread
and sipping brine,
with a sultry sunrise I spied
a welcoming body on the horizon.
Without remorse,
I turned my back on tumult
and with the grace of a swan,
swam toward serenity.

I did notice that van, but it didn't throw me out of the poem. Maybe because I find that I do the same thing in my own stuff. I never thought that it might be a distraction to others. Hmmm, now you've got me thinking on this.

Lisa. Yes. I agree, an apt metaphor for being on "that end" of a relationship. And I am empathic as I'm sure are many.

Two sparkling alliterations:

Too tired to tread
and sipping brine,
with a sultry sunrise I spied

Just one wonderful example of tender imageries peppered throughout this piece

I declined an invitation
inked with salty drops of soul

The very idea of bliss after a tumultuous journey. I adored: I hugged sweet sand!

I hugged sweet sand,
allowing my limbs
to bask in warmth

My only crit. I was thrown off your poem, the picture, pace, the elegant wording with the naming of Bill in the middle of this stanza. I think the placing might be better suited towards the end. And I think might be more impactful.

From whatever waters
you now grace,
I wish you'd toss me a line.
I promise you a steadfast hold
should you see fit
to tow me toward
your sorely missed sunlit shores.
My flesh remains adrift,
but my firmly anchored core
resides at your side, Bill,
sight unseen.

Lisa, an exquisite heart felt poem. Laurie

Beautiful! I read a hiccup though - 'spineless jellyfish'. Although you might blame yourself for running or something in this stretch, it seems too sudden in this poem to put such weight on yourself. I didn't see any blame in your responses, some could perhaps have been more thought out but they were natural. The sudden self-critique, and especially in such squishy terms was a flowbreaker for me. The rest was great! Although only in the end did I understand the link to relationships, it could as easily allude to running from any other circumstance to islands within yourself, escapism without return..

Darlin

A big chunk of those 89 views are probably me , and the only nit I can truthfully say is that the sentimentality of this piece is not my usual taste. Having said that, I will say I see obvious work to minimize the sentimentality. I have an odd feeling you write like me ( Step apart from the emotion. Don't let it overwhelm you. If you do take a dive into it, you lose control over the piece. Am I close ? lol ) Another thing I actually enjoyed about this piece is that you have made it quite clear ( and this is a point often missed by others ) is that true "love" affairs don't start in bed. They start in the mind.

Your metaphor here is beautiful, and wonderfully executed. You follow through, giving the whole poem this excellent cohesiveness which I find hard to maintain with pieces of this length.

Girl ! You truly have it going on

Lisa, this demanded several reads. It feels very genuine to me, and elicits great empathy, even though I can't fully appreciate the situation.

There seems to be such a barrage of metaphor, that it's hard for me to take in, because I find myself stoping to make connections all the way through. I think you may have gone a little overboard with it. (Get it -- overboard?) This could very well be just me, though.

I do have to admire that you've used them all to good effect and managed to do it without getting corny about it. Overall, it's a compelling read. I really got into it, and I kept coming back -- so great work.

WOW! a great piece of writing.

I feel as if I have been transported on to this island myself. It certainly is awe inspiring work

Wonderful

wacker

"My chosen isle
became uninhabitable,
its land pocked by pitfalls
of ravenous quicksand
threaded with magma freshets
from a malcontent
and ever erupting volcano." - Okay, let us start with the greatness of the first stanza. What an opening. What, this is just the opening? You could have only wrote this and it would be a great poem. But you know, it can only be downhill from here. Right?

"from a malcontent
and ever erupting volcano." - Love the use of the word malcontent.

"With a blast of steam
at my back
I took refuge in choppy water,
but remained near enough
to eye the shore
with the hope peace would envelope
swirling grains of glass." - Nothing needs changing here.

"to bask in warmth
both alien and exhilarating," - I don't care for the use of the word alien here. Seems out of place in this poem.

"beneath the love bespeckled spell" - Bespeckled, hmmm.

"when the heat of my retreat
embraced me." - Something here bothers me and it's not the rhyme.

"inked with salty drops of soul" - This line seems a bit out there.

"What a fool I was," - I would rework this line without the "what" in it.

"My flesh remains adrift" - Not a fan of this line.

Well I was right in that not every line was sheer magnificence. I was wrong in that this poem would ever go downhill. It was a great read start to finish. I do believe you are mocking the rest of us with your superior vocabulary. I'm sure I'll be reading this again.

I'd like to begin by saying that this was totally out of my comfort zone and it took me the loan of a giant's stones to post it. I am both astonished and delighted at the response it received and I thank you all for taking a few moments of your precious time to read and reply.

Dear Cindy, We've discussed our respective isles at length, so I won't bore you with repetition. I can never thank you enough for your kindness in sharing your journey with me and for the loan of your shoulder. I've said it before and I'll say it again, you are a fine and decent human being.


Dear Maggie, I'd rather amputate my toes than dip them into sentimental waters so this one was hard for me. You noticed I kept it in check as best as I could and are correct that I am like you. I remain detached while writing, or living for that matter, too much emotion results in my losing control not only of my pieces but of my good sense. I keep that shit locked up tight although I believe my poems suffer for it, but to take down the walls would surely cause the entire structure collapse. Two peas in a pod, you and I, oh the stories we could tell. Agree with you entirely that love begins in the mind, or for the mushy, the heart. Sex is just another physical act like eating or breathing, although no one's ever died from abstinence, can't say that about the other two. I'm glad you think I carried the metaphor well, it means a lot. Thank you, your thoughts on this were greatly appreciated.


Dear Van, Once upon a time, it was sad, not anymore though. Writing this piece got rid of the last little echo of what was once the shrieking of a banshee. The rhyme of sky and dive was unintentional and when I realized it, I wanted to take it out but I liked the lines too much and nothing else seemed to do. I convinced myself that the singsong sounded like a child skipping off to play, which is exactly what it was, and somehow that made it seem okay, so decided to leave it. Your favorite stanza was a pain in the ass, rewrite after rewrite, I'm glad it turned out pretty decent after all.


Dear Laurie, Elated you enjoyed, hon. I almost didn't use sweet sand, it meant a whole lot to me but I thought it was too bland. Your mention of it soothed my worry. I'm going to move Bill's name as soon as I'm done with this reply, keen eyes with that one, love, thanks so much.


Dear Dyzhan, I never thought this could apply to other situations, thanks for opening my eyes to that, it gives the piece more worth for me. As to spineless jellyfish, I wanted to express my self loathing (the squishier the better to that end) at not taking what may have been the best offer I ever received, for at the time, it seemed so. With a helluva lot more years under my belt, I know my decision was the right one, I knew what I had, didn't know for sure what I was getting. Every once in a while, I do the, I wonder... but at the time all I did was kick myself in the ass, for a very long time at that. I'm sorry it pulled you out of the piece, but I think subconsciously, that's exactly what I was going for. I'm thrilled you enjoyed it otherwise.


Dear Joe, Overboard, indeed, wiseguy, lol. You are completely correct, I had a heavy hand with metaphor, perhaps almost to the point of sabotage, but it was intentional every step of the way. One never knows who reads these things, I wanted to make sure it would only be comprehensible to "one of us" and I think you know why so I'll leave it at that. I'm glad you found it compelling and completely understand why it is difficult for you to appreciate it. Quite frankly, I was surprised you replied at all, I figured this would turn your stomach, but please know that I am honored that you took the time to.l


Dear Paul, Thank you, love, I'm happy I could take you on the journey.


Dear Whitaker, You mortally wound me, sir. Is my vocabulary that over the top? For the record, I respect everyone here far too much to even contemplate mocking anyone, never mind actually taking a stab at it. Life, I mock, people, I don't, not even those of questionable intelligence. Blame the dictionary, when bored as a child, it was my tome of choice for recreational reading. Glad you liked S1 so much, I find I often start out with a bang and then peter out. Alien I'm keeping, for its duality. I knew I took a chance with bespeckled, I liked it for the sound, not sure whether I'll retain or discard just yet. Not sure what to do about heat of my retreat either, I thought it was reasonably okay. Inked with salty drop of soul I knew was iffy, kept it for the duality once again, not really happy with it though, so I'm thinking. I'm taking what out as you suggested. My flesh remains adrift was changed so many times, I'm not too fond of it either, again, thinking. I am honored that you will be returned and that in the end I didn't disappoint.


Dear Drew, Elated you enjoyed my dear friend, truly I am. Am pleased the only major nits you found were so slight. I'm taking your suggestions both. Barren I never realized would be better that way, sunlit shores I moved back and forth and finally gave up. Thank you, my love.


Again, my sincere thanks to all, I am truly grateful no one saw fit to bang the gavel.


All my best, always,
Lisa

Ask and you shall receive -Thank you Lisa! I was afraid I would have to wait for years ......This is soooo much more than a "Love Poem" Girl-and you know it. So elegantly crafted---bewitching and beautiful--but with a tidal wave of epic proportions of raw heartache ...Stanza 5-perfection ! Thank you!

Lisa, this longer piece was well worth two reads - you drew me in immediately with the title and the first two lines, as I at times feel like a sailor stranded on a similar piece of real estate in the middle of the ocean - it may be in the same island chain as the isle you describe so eloquently - what an effectively poignant way of pulling so many emotions together to feast upon - thanks for your bravery in posting this one!
---todd

This is good, and a little... how shall I describe it... well, it's like an ever-erupting volcano... words spewing forth in rather a crazy, torrential way... no offense meant, although I'm sure it sounds very offensive.
My personal favorite lines:

there's no choice
save the choppy sea for me.
A fate surely deserved
by such a spineless jellyfish.