Thread: Morning Person

And we're leaving it
alone, to brood --

there will be time
to mesh our thoughts

to revive our hearts
& redeem ourselves

in the faces of the odds
clouds look like birds

like planes, like going
on a Saturday morning

to wherever one goes
when leaving San Fransisco

on a 6 AM, you can stand
to lose a little time

yourself, a conversation
with an odd cabbie

that is, a conversation
with yourself, all about

an old Nova episode,
the sun imploding

and whatever the sun
might look like when flying

toward it
as it does its thing

I have kept coming back to this line

in the faces of the odds

If you are referring to the chances in life, I would suggest removing the " the". It distracts. If that is not what you meant, then I am stumped Hun

Am I missing something here ?

Besides that one nit I enjoyed this. It breathes the "brood" well.

This has a feeling about it of calm resignation -- of acceptance. But it also seems optimistic. I like how one stanza leads to the next. I think there's a name for that. Maybe someone will come along and give me a clue.

as it does its thing

I like that, considering what that thing is, and that is, make all life possible.

Very nice, fellow Atlantan.

I do like the feel of this one, very mellow and kind of introspective.

I have kept coming back to this line

in the faces of the odds
If you are referring to the chances in life, I would suggest removing the " the". It distracts. If that is not what you meant, then I am stumped Hun

Am I missing something here ?

Besides that one nit I enjoyed this. It breathes the "brood" well.

Thanks for reading, hun! (Now I feel like a true Southerner) - but with that line - the odds refer to the next line - as in, the odds that clouds look like birds (the next line) --

And I'm glad this piece broods -- I usually just get into a really melancholic rut. So some action is good.

This has a feeling about it of calm resignation -- of acceptance. But it also seems optimistic. I like how one stanza leads to the next. I think there's a name for that. Maybe someone will come along and give me a clue.

as it does its thing
I like that, considering what that thing is, and that is, make all life possible.

Very nice, fellow Atlantan.

Thanks! Do you think your pieces are Atlantic in nature? Mine usually have nothing to do with this city - but are inspired by it. The environment for me, is conducive to creativity (and melancholy poetry)

I like that it begins somewhere after it began.

And we're leaving it
alone, to brood --

This poem seems to me to be about time. So having it begin in the middle of a thought is like time itself: no one knows where it began. To enhance this, Eiji, I would remove that first capital and make the 'and' lowercase.

No crits. I like the flow and you know I like the slice of life feel of your poetry.

So you actually are who I thought you might be. I suspected, but this piece confirmed. You already know how much I like this one, especially the stellar ending. The conversation with the cabbie brought it home for me, as a New Yorker, it's a pastime tried and true, that is if talking to yourself is what matters. Your unique style demands attention, and that's nothing to shake a stick at.

Best,
Lisa

Stephen, I do like the way you begin in mid thought. Endearing to me because that's how my grandmother used to begin her phone calls! But that aside, your poem reads "crisp" with the help of the two line stanzas. Difficult to pull off. I've worked with three lines and much thought has to be given to impact, working with the sparce structure.

Even with structure, I read this as SOC "Stream of Consciouness" poetry. I've made one attempt, though not as successful as yours.

We often hear this falls true. No cliche'. It works well. An aside: I was born there.

to wherever one goes
when leaving San Fransisco

Anyone coming from a city will relate to this. You can recount your entire life story for yourself, to a cab driver. But the pleasure of "the telling" to a stranger you'll never meet again, is somewhat thrilling in my mind (many a cabs in NYC) You might want to think about injecting this "feeling". I seem to be imposing an emotion on you. But if it applies, I would give your poem a taste of it.

yourself, a conversation
with an odd cabbie

that is, a conversation
with yourself,

A great ending! But I don't want this poem to end. Very well done. Laurie

and whatever the sun
might look like when flying

toward it
as it does its thing

excellent work. I like the way the story unfolds where one line is leading to the next. The imagery and creativity of this work is the work of a true genius.


wacker

Originally Posted by wacker

excellent work. I like the way the story unfolds where one line is leading to the next. The imagery and creativity of this work is the work of a true genius.


wacker

thanks wacker!


stephen