Thread: Beautiful

　
Your words flicker
like nervous wings
on a humming bird

Speedy words out
throat coated with
60mg of Dexedrine

Your nerves on skin
mouth as dry
as cigarette ashes

Dermis disappeared
over too many years
enemy food stabbed

Age 72, a clothes hanger
spitting out ice cubes
confused over calories

And it all began at 17
Ivory Girl Soap girl
model walking the runway

You thumb through pages
of your old portfolio
thin, plump lips, that glow

You whisper
I’m still beautiful, you know

Interesting character piece. It reads a little choppy in places. I don't usually recommend this, but perhaps adding a few words here and there would smooth the flow?

Example:

Speedy words out
from a throat filled (how about "coated" to carry the assonance of throat? Also, "coated" is a throaty sounding word. "Filled" is all lips and teeth.)
60mg of Dexedrine

See what others think though. Good start here.

I see exactly where you're going with this, Laurie. I agree with Van, but I know how you work by now,

I sense a few edit's coming down the pike. Look forward to seeing the finished product. I like!

Thank you van and Cindy. Good points. I'll tinker around a bit...

Also, "coated" is a throaty sounding word.

van, I just made the change. Big difference. Thanks

Like the edits. That works well.

Well, thanks to you! "coated" does provide more assonance.

I know about this conditioin first hand. My aunt was a model and ever since, all these years, she's suffered from anorexia/bulemia.

This is very nice, Laurie. There's actually good characterization here, and I really like that. And not only a little story -- a back-story too, and in so few words. Gives it a lot of layers. A good one!

I like your end result Laurie, good work!

Nice piece! Few remarks: the double 'as' in the third stanza can be a good reciting reference to the ashes but can also look like an oversight; and the line 'enemy food stabbed' seems a bit out of place and without the narrative flow of the rest of the poem; and the meaning of 'spitting out ice-cubes' is a bit confusing to me. The worn-out wraith of a creature comes through very well though, the 'whisper' carries a beautiful crispness in this context!

This is excellent, Laurie. The spartan form is quite befitting considering the content. Not a single nit, but I don't get "Your nerves on skin". I'm not sure if it means she's on overdrive or if it refers to the absence of fat and muscle or something entirely different. Splain me Lucy. Fine effort, love.

Thanks Joe, Cindy, Dzhyan and Lisa.

Joe, thank you for catching the layers and your appreciation of them. And that you like the characterization pleases me because I use this character to make a point about women's body issues.

Cindy, glad you liked the edit. You and van gave me some good tips.

Dzhyan, Thanks. The "as" was a hiccup! A fix.

meaning of 'spitting out ice-cubes' is a bit confusing to me

The character is calorie conscious. I used this abstractly and as an exageration to make this point.

"Worn-out wraith". A perfect way of describing my woman!!!

Lisa, perceptive as usual!

The spartan form is quite befitting considering the content

Lucy splains...Simple. She's a speed freak. It feels like nerves are on top of your skin. Now, don't dare ask me how I know this! Speed will also keep you very thin.

I don't get "Your nerves on skin".

Thank you all for your suggestions, questions and appreciation. Laurie

Originally Posted by SilverMoon

　
Your words flicker
like nervous wings
on a humming bird

Speedy words out
throat coated with
60mg of Dexedrine

Your nerves on skin
mouth as dry
as cigarette ashes

Dermis disappeared
over too many years
enemy food stabbed

Age 72, a clothes hanger
spitting out ice cubes
confused over calories

And it all began at 17
Ivory Girl Soap model
girl walking the runway

You thumb through pages
of your old portfolio
thin, plump lips, that glow

You whisper
I’m still beautiful, you know

The thought of a 72 year old anorexic intrigues me. If for no other reason they usually don't live that long. I loved the last line

I’m still beautiful, you know

It speaks to her need for control. ( Which my understanding is that is a big motivation for alot of'em )

Not a big fan of the double use of "girl" in S6. Other than that ?

Good stuff

Thanks, Maggie. Took care of double use of "girl". A better read. Yes. If she were just anorexic she would not have survived this long but she was also bulemic. This duo is common with most women and men who have eating disorders. And yed. It's all about control.