Thread: In Nomine Patris - 1/4

In Nomine Patris

As your first beginning has
Forgotten whence it came
Just so you before you
'Pon us never gazed

Proud in self-delusion
To be when we are not
Frantic trying, breath defying
No 'bsolute in being brought

The vines and thorns that bind you
Are your limbs and thoughts
Illuded sands of desert dreamings
Fallen through the hourglass wrought

Time has come to sleep again
Maybe dawn your brethren beckons
If your night does give them life
For death in dark they're destined

Fading lines, a futile pain
Hush my children
Nowhere we'll remain

Hi Dzhyan, and welcome.

Hmm, honestly? On reading this, I thought it came across as pretty pretentious. The titles, the archaic diction, sometimes verging on the ridiculous, eg. "'bsolute," and the hackneyed rhyme/ disruptions in meter/ odd Yoda-like constructs which are hard to read and comprehend, eg. "Maybe dawn your brethren beckons/ If your night does give them life," suggest to me that you're writing what you think poetry should sound like, without any real notion of the craft involved. The fact that you had to explain "the first poem is written from the standpoint of the void that pulls creation back into oblivion" should tell you something. The poem isn't communicating that. Not clearly. It probably is in your head, but, of course, that's because you've created it. As a reader, it's not clear at all. The poem should stand on its own, and this doesn't.

Okay, so, that over with - I am not trying to make you feel awful. You obviously have vision, creativity in wanting to create a subversive counterpart, etcetera. However -- and this is a big however -- you've work ahead of you if you're serious about writing for a contemporary audience. I would suggest picking up some contemporary poetry, or searching the web for new writing. You can find great contemporary poetry on the internet if you know where to look, check out the ezine Pomegranate, the Cadaverine, Umbrella journal, Magma, explore what's out there. And, as you continue writing and developing, perhaps concentrate for a while on smaller subjects that are easier to get your head around. I think MOST poets, even established, would have trouble with the topic you've picked for yourself! Ambition is good, but you might have bitten off more than you can chew! Good luck,

-R

Thank you for your reply - I will check out the sites you recommended! However, I'm not trying to write contemporary poetry, certainly not for a large audience. I like Poe, Blake, Yeats and Dickens and am trying to write in an archaic/victorian style. What I am interested in (one of the things that is) is how contemporaries interpret the poem - without the somewhat out-of-place suggested interpretation, what did you interpret the poem as? What images or plot did you read into it? I do want to communicate the concepts I put into my poems to people that read them so if you could help me there I'd be most grateful!

Originally Posted by Dzhyan

Thank you for your reply - I will check out the sites you recommended! However, I'm not trying to write contemporary poetry, certainly not for a large audience. I like Poe, Blake, Yeats and Dickens and am trying to write in an archaic/victorian style. What I am interested in (one of the things that is) is how contemporaries interpret the poem - without the somewhat out-of-place suggested interpretation, what did you interpret the poem as? What images or plot did you read into it? I do want to communicate the concepts I put into my poems to people that read them so if you could help me there I'd be most grateful!

As far as the Archaic, or Victorian ( which I was under the impression are too entirely different time frames ) ? Cool... What ever your preference is. You asked how this poem reads to the modern reader. Ok... I am going to be very straight forward so pleeeeeeaaaaase don't be offended or hurt. My bluntness is meant in neither fashion. If I were reading this in a book, the thoughts that would immediately come to mind would be

" Alright... The writer doesn't much like religion, and maybe even God." Based also on what I have read, my next thought would be " So what. A lot of people don't like God. He has pissed me off on occasion. lol Now tell me about what experience brought this belief to pen. I have a feeling THAT would interest me. "

This is a very preachy piece Hun No one likes a soapbox better than I , but this lacks the type of depth I love to dive into.

Good Luck with this Hun

My apologies to the commenters above who referred to my addendum on this poem, but due to several comments emphasizing the desire for free interpretation I've deleted my intended interpretation hint. I hope some see it anyway though! There's a lot in there..