Thread: Genocide

screaming masses
glowering eyes
raised palms
Genocide

senseless death
Cruelty of Man
the end of all mankind
Genocide

fire lighting the horizon
sounds ceasing in the distance
waves of emptiness all around
Genocide

out from the rubble
now forgotten
survivors forever lost
Genocide

atop a mountain
The Holy One Stands
no remorse for any
Genocide

I liked this...the flow was smooth and crisp....

thanks

Capitalize the 2nd line in the last stanza to bring more emphasis "The Holy One Stands"

also capitalizing each line is frowned upon these days

I like it a lot, you show me progression here as a writer.

thanks for the update on the rules of writing

To be honest this is one of my older pieces that I happened to find. I figured I'd put it on here, see whats better, the old or the new.

You mention that you want to see what's better, your old or your new work. If this is old, then I'm going to take a stab in the dark and suggest that your new work is better.

I read this a few times, and trust me on this, I've gone over it word by word and for me there's nothing to like. The subject matter is hackneyed and totally overdone, and when compared with the thousands of works that address the topic, this certainly isn't the best. It's always a danger when you revisit an overworked subject that you have to add something new, or do it better.

Put the topic aside and look at the phrases. There's no real strong imagery, nothing surprising, nothing that lifts the reader or paints a picture. It's despair on a shopping list, and there's not a description there that's original. Here's an example.

"sounds ceasing in the distance"

Now, what does that mean? Firstly, we must assume that the near area is silent, or we wouldn't be able to hear the cessation of sound in the distance. So, essentially, you're telling us it falls silent. Okay, we started off with the screaming masses, but you didn't tell us whether they were local or distant. Now "sounds" in the distance cease. What sounds? If it's the screaming masses, were they always in the distance, or did they go there before shutting up? Or was it another sound, a sound you didn't tell us about?

It's akin to telling us that there was a sound, of which we are probably unaware, and it was in the distance but now it's stopped. As such, it has little impact. However, silence does have an impact, because we no longer need to understand the sound. The silence we get. Now, how does the silence enter? Does it creep in, stealthy and dangerous and we only notice it when it assails us? Does it smother, strangle, subdue? Where does the noise go, absorbed, drained, clamped down? Silence works, both as a mood and as an entity, and also as a potent. Suddenly, you can change a weak and uninvolving line for one that portrays so much in so few words.

This piece suffers from the same problem that pieces about war by people who have never been in one suffer from. Generally speaking they...well...speak generally.

Some good strong imagery could help. Tap into an experience that you can relate too, perhaps fear of genocide, describe that in a creative way.

Right now I have to agree with Pete_C, I just don't feel the end is near and worse, I don't think, "God, if this is what it will be like, I hope it's not near."

I think reworking to add some strong imagery might help.

Well, it's a tough subject to tackle. I think what's missing is something that speaks to the root cause of genocide, if it's religious, political ideological -- or all three.

I think it needs to be something more than just "cruelty." The "Holy One" implies something along those lines, but not quite enough.

I think you have to be careful not to trivialize something like this -- it's likely the greatest of all crimes against humanity, so that's a tall order -- especially if you have no personal connection to it.

Just to offset the commenters above me: the evocativeness of the lines works for me. There are things that I would change but the lines don't have to make sense or have a logical structure, it works well as a purely associative poem. One tip nevertheless: don't use capitals. A sincerely felt and written associative impression with cruelty, in very simple words, is more powerful than simply stating it with capitals. The same goes for the other capitalizations: try to stretch the feeling that these emphases have for you into a few words and use those instead. Not easy to do but it can give your poems more credibility and, in this case, a more pervasive melancholy.

I'm not sure there's much to salvage from this. It's generalised, OTT, and in fact the singsong refrain "Genocide" makes the poem quite funny - not your intention, I shouldn't think.

Now, of course, is where the fun starts. If you're serious about improving, you should read some contemporary poetry. Buy a few books, see what works, what doesn't work. Try focusing your language, and communicating something truthful. It doesn't have to be massive topics like genocide, or if it is, concentrating on smaller, concrete details would be far more engaging.

Good luck,
-R