Thread: Not your sons or daughters (Villanelle)

Just look at them Afghani
they flow in much like rivers,
you just drink your coffee.

Their own skies are flashy;
no place to rest their quivers,
just look at them Afghani.

ISAF soldiers so valiantly
rid families of fathers,
you just drink your coffee.

Poppy farmers or more risky
Taliban- or Karzai hires,
just look at them Afghani,

saving progeny is pricey -
jobs for human smugglers,
you just drink your coffee.

You're sorry but fortunately
it's not your sons or daughters,
just look at them Afghani -
you just drink your coffee.

Martin, you represent apathy very well "you just drink your coffee". Very effective at the end of several stanzas which deals with terrible plight in Afgananistan.
Why should we be concerned when it's not our sons or daughters who are left adrift?
Your three line stanzas (except for the last) are orderly and flow easily down the page. A sad read but that means you've done your job well. Laurie

Kudos, my dear, you maintained form admirably. The simplicity of the language works very well to get your points across directly which somehow makes them all the more ominous. My only nit was the use of kids which seems a bit too nonchalant, but changing it to children may throw the rhythm off. The only other thing is I think perhaps some kind of punctuation is needed after L3 in the quatrain, it reads a bit awkwardly as is, but that just might be me. Working within the constraints of form, especially the villanelle, is no easy task and you've pulled off very well. Nicely done.

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Originally Posted by Martin

Just look at them Afghani
they flow in much like rivers,
you just drink your coffee.

Their own skies are flashy;
no place to rest their quivers,
just look at them Afghani.

NATO soldiers so valiantly
rid families of fathers,
you just drink your coffee.

Opium farmers or more risky
Taliban- or Karzai hires,
just look at them Afghani.

But saving kids is pricey;
jobs for human smugglers,
you just drink your coffee.

You're sorry but fortunately
it's not your sons or daughters,
just look at them Afghani
you just drink your coffee.

I have hesitated to respond to this. Not that I have a buttload of objections to the structure, or even the content. I don't. *smiles* I didn't want to turn this into some discussion on War. My husband is a medic for the Fourth ID, has done one tour, and will be doing another in three months. He enlisted after watching a news report of a woman who after starting a school for girls was raped, dragged in the streets, and eventually murdered because of it. Maybe I am somewhat naive, but I hope anyone who feels the need to "make a difference" does it for good, or at the least well intentioned reasons, and I pray for the Godspeed of peace, and the safety of all of those that pursue it, no matter their course.

I enjoyed the repetition of "just drink your coffee". Surprisingly, I found the structure to actually drive home certain images and messages rather than detracting from the subject matter. While I echo MaggieG's sentiments above, I still found this poem to have a tinge of dark humor to it despite the severity of the subject matter.

Thanks all. I'll admit this piece is heavily subjected. I rarely raise fingers at others, but I was having a really pessimistic day. Content aside, I'm very pleased it seems my first attempt at Villanelle went off rather well.

Laurie, apathy indeed, and may I add reluctance to go with that...

Lisa, dear, your two nits were exactly my own five minutes after posting. I have seen to an edit. Before "kids" I actually had "sons" but wanted to avoid the repetition. Now I'm going with "young" but I thought "souls" might work also. What do you reckon?
Also I should note, that fifth stanza particularly reflects my inspiration for this, as I work in a Red Cross camp with refugees under 18 who come to Denmark without their parents. It is literally a river from Afghanistan these days...

Garza, your reflection is most appreciated.

Maggie, thanks for giving voice. I sincerely hope your husband shall return safely when time comes.

Hoot, I was going for sarcastic, and I'm actually not a fan of dark humour. I'm glad it just works for you though.

Thanks again all, this one really needed to get off my chest...

Martin

I like this. The repeated phrase works on several levels. It says that everyday life hasn't changed that much for those just drinking their coffee; actually boring in it's repetition. Contrasting with the other world being described.

Good job.

Martin, kudos to you for attempting such a difficult form, and pulling it off so well! Very effective, I think.
Would the word progeny work for the first line in S 5? If you dropped the 'but' and just said 'saving progeny is pricey. Just a thought, as I know how it is to be searching for a word and not finding satisfaction.

Van, thanks a lot. Always nice to get a new perspective on your own piece.

Cindy, that might just work. At least I put it there now, but I kept the "But"; I think it's necessary to tie the stanzas together, and I actually don't think it jars the rhythm really. And after all, it is a meter-less villanelle. Thanks my friend.

EDIT: There you go! Fixed with punctuation...

Hello, love. Punctuation works well in lieu of the but. Young was a fine fit, but I'm glad you went with Cindy's suggestion of progeny, I love the way that line sounds. And the dash also works. Great job, Martin.

Cheers, Lisa. It was quite interesting to try this form, definitely recommendable...

Heh. I just learned what a villanelle is. At first, I just read it, took it at face value and thought it worked well. I didn't know it was according to some form.

I appreciate the sentiment, but it's a tad simplistic -- a little too black and white. I really like the way to reads, though -- gonna have to try me some villanelle.

Thanks Joe, and I agree it's quite a big topic to cover so sporadically.