Thread: One Blank Page to Another

Burdened by uncertainty
but certainly convinced:
Behind every drawn curtain
lurks a writer, pen in fist-
oh, that brain is so persuasive
(there's a solipsist in our midst)
and it's just creeping in the wings
to scrawl a story on your face.

Inventing noir, we play for keeps;
stealing rules from the mise-en-scene
project comments on the margins
and conjure drama from an iris.

Such witty riddles: natural craft,
we're all masters of this alchemy;
maestros pacing among shadows
to compose the missing masterpiece.

hrmm, new word for me, solipsis... i had never heard of that before. made for an interesting googledive

first stanza is wonderful, the rest struggles to live up to such a great start im afraid... still though the poem is great, and i love it.

as per usual i cannot offer an crit on your work, so just consider me a fan

thanks for posting

Originally Posted by Galivanting

hrmm, new word for me, solipsis... i had never heard of that before. made for an interesting googledive

first stanza is wonderful, the rest struggles to live up to such a great start im afraid... still though the poem is great, and i love it.

as per usual i cannot offer an crit on your work, so just consider me a fan

thanks for posting

Sure you can offer a crit. What is it about the first stanza that overshadows the rest? That way I can know where the piece starts to fall apart.

i dont think the piece falls apart afterwards, the first stanza is just simply so good it is hard as hell to follow

like say the rolling stones opening for paul revere and the raiders, they may be good but the stones were surely amazing and almost impossible to follow

Ooooh, I love this, Edge. As to G's comment, S1 rolls so beautifully, the other stanzas not as much, but still peppered with brilliant lines such as "stealing rules from the mise-en-scene" and "conjure drama from an iris", God, I'm jealous. I think the problem lies in S2, it's a bit bland in comparison to the rest. I had to look up solipsist also, great use of it, my dear. One tiny typo, lose the apostrophe in maestros or use maestri. Wonderful sounds, but that is par for the course. Enjoyed to the max and I hope this helps.

Best,
Lisa

Very helpful CD. Got it Gal. How is this? It feels a bit naked without the second stanza, but what are my eyes? Tinkered with the fourth/third stanza as well.

i think that fixed it pretty well, not sure how simply removing a stanza fixed it but it reads better now

Sweet. Thank ya'.

That'll do it, perfecto! Great little edit for a great piece, Edge.

Hey Edge,

I've only read the altered version and that I think is really cool. Witty and casual yet you hit the ego where many don't dare to dwell too long...

"alchemy" didn't fit the semi-rhyming scheme I thought you pulled off really well through out. Also, I would change it to "the missing masterpiece", for more firmly nailing that perfectionist ego-strive...

Nice read.

conjure drama from an iris.

What an absolutely wonderful thought here ! I enjoyed this very much. It is Byron-witty , while still being casual.

Damn fine read !

This poem speaks to all writer's and poets, so for that I commend you. This is my first reading of this poem, as I had not had the pleasure of reading the unedited version, so I can't seem to find anything that stands out as being needed to be fixed. With that being said, I felt the entire poem encapsulates the idea of being a writer and writing for a higher purpose, that purpose may be different for all writer's but all writers, good writers anyway, have something to answer for and something to write for, you are a perfect example Edgewise of writing for something more. Well done my friend!

I've been away, hence the belated acknowledgment. Many thanks to all.

Martin, I'm keeping "alchemy" because it fits with the theme of creating something(s) in an absence, but your suggestion to replace "a" with "the" is perfect. Danke.

Hiya! I'm a newbie but thought I'd give you my view on your poem, hope you can do something with it! I'm responding mostly because I like it a lot and think my suggestions may help you make it even better. So here goes:

The lead stanza and the general tone it sets are beautiful. However, the last words "scrawl a story on your face" for me break the soft imaginative flow of the stanza and trouble ensues. Some suggestions for the first stanza:
Change 'in' (6th line) to 'within' to keep your flow going, then add a 3-syllable extension word to the 7th line and use a new 8- or 10-metric line to close with, rhyming perhaps with the 6th line to close off nicely (example: "where tale or story scribbles to exist").

Again for flow, replace "from" (line 2 of the second stanza) with "out of" and "project" (line 3) with "projecting", perhaps changing "on" with "in" or "to" for better directed visualisation. The last sentence of the stanza should omit the 'and' and change conjure to conjuring, which would require a word added to the end (such as: "conjuring drama from the iris' sheen/gleam" or something similar. Although nicely visual, the poem also gets a bit foggy for me here; in what way is drama conjured from an iris? As in the eyes of the characters in the plays written? Perhaps consider revising to keep the storyline flowing a bit better (may be personal though).

Then the last stanza, although very nicely in the "storyline", has a few flow issues as well that would require to many suggestions on my part. Perhaps with the suggestions I gave you you can try reciting this part and finding a better flow yourself? The keywords and imagery are great, again kudos, and with a bit of reconstructing and a few new binding words it'll be perfect.

Ok hope this helps you out and my apologies if I reached to deep into your poem. It is meant as a compliment though, the mystic will-to-be of the written word, the artistry of literary creation and atmospheric undertones of your poem are great! I'll start reading the rest of your work!