Thread: Careless

Silence-
stifle the breath,
for just another moment.
Bind up the wounded underbelly
before bloody vitality seeps out,
drip, drop, upon the laminate white-
perpetuate your fruitless fight.

It is no use. This is fatal
because you think it is fate.

Gate the dam! Erect barricades
to push against the vanquishing current.
Clench your teeth as you grip,
grip hold of it like a hot, piled plate.

It is no use. The words tumble out-
gather them!
You fumble for
each petal
of the bouquet, fallen,
awry.

But the wind steals the pieces away, to frame your future.
Careless.

Good imagery! I especially liked the last part, as I've surely been there before.

It is no use. The words tumble out-
gather them!
You fumble for
each petal
of the bouquet, fallen,
awry.

But the wind steals the pieces away, to frame your future.
Careless.

Adored this line

grip hold of it like a hot, piled plate.

especially in context of "careless" Might I suggest you expound on that further ?

You have a very interesting piece here

Chez, I like the following because it's just plain powerful. "grip hold of it like a hot, piled plate" Wonderful!

Gate the dam! Erect barricades
to push against the vanquishing current.
Clench your teeth as you grip,
grip hold of it like a hot, piled plate.

However (that horrible forever) these lines really don't fit with your piece. They're much too pretty. I would suggest a re-write here. Keep the tone of the poem!

You fumble for
each petal
of the bouquet, fallen,
awry.

Thanks for the great read! Laurie

Good writing, good lines, and good images. I liked this line the most: "This is fatal because you think it is fate."

Silence-
stifles breath,
for just a moment.
Bind the wounded underbelly
before vitality seeps out,
drip, drop, upon the laminate white-
perpetuate your fruitless fight.

I'm wondering if this could be pared down a bit.

Gate the dam! Erect barricades
to push against the vanquishing current.

Picky, I know, but the imagery here is a little off. First, dam and barricade -- you've got two metaphors going on. Would probably be OK if you didn't go on to the dam bit. And a dam holds back the current, it's immobile, so it doesn't really push. The water pushes. I just think this kind of thing works better if you are more precise.

You fumble for
each petal
of the bouquet, fallen,
awry.

"awry" seems extraneous. And given the definition, it's not quite right. Awry usually modifies a single thing that is out of position or off course, and I think you mean to suggest that the petals have fallen in a haphazard way. That's probably a given though, so you likely don't need it. (Geez. All that over one word.)

Not so sure about the exclamation points. They seem a little forced, like you are trying to give power to the words in an artificial way. That could be me.

Overall, I think I get the sentiment of it, what it's about, and I think it works well. Still needs a bit of tinkering -- but good job.