Thread: The Fall of Man

Originally Posted by Mr. Beard

Shades of black
Spinning into utter darkness.
Nothing moves,
The silence is deafening.

Carry your disgraces on your back.
Wear your shame with pride!
Who will save you?

The goodness of man,
the greatness of a god,
All mean nothing.

This reality; we go day to day
Praying on the weak, burning the innocents, killing the pure.
Corruption lives, Thieves prosper.

A World so chaotic
Honor has no meaning.

Many speak a savior's name
One and the same,
Ignorance keeps the lame, fighting...

Any type of order,
Any type of peace,
Run by killers and theives.

Justice aimed at the rich and powerful,
This is not the world i planned.
Where did it go?

Recalling the past, life was simple.
Childhood is innocence,
People grow,
Innocence is lost.
Forever perpetuating our worlds' cycle;
Chaos, destruction, Extinction

Man is destined to fall!
The Wild will reclaim what was theirs.
We shall become a minority in a world where the majority is shoved up their own assholes.

The few that remain,
Rise up!
Take back what you've lost,
Rise Up, Fight Back!
The powerful can only fight for so long.

Amidst the ashes,
The strong will rise.
A phoenix in the darkness.
Take your stand.
Let them live no longer.

This has a political manifesto feel to me. It is angry, and defiant . ( which is not a bad thing actually ) Some of my better poetry has come from being pissed ! lol Here's the deal though Darlin Don't tell me what you are pissed about, show me . By showing the reader what you see, you draw them in, make them part of the situation, and we always " FEEL" when we are directly affected,hence the point of writing ( for me at least lol ) To provoke a response, and to be provoked .

Much enjoyed Hun

Hi Mr. Beard, and welcome,

I've read through this and the comments you've received, and urge you to listen without getting defensive. The piece is abstract, relying on generalisations, and is didactic to the point that I really don't care. I don't like being told what to think. Your statements are extremely bland and aren't backed up by anything concrete, and I could take issue with nearly all of them. For example, just the line "Childhood is innocence" gets on my nerves. My childhood certainly wasn't. I think all children are far less innocent than we like to imagine. Children can be manipulative and bullying and lying. Simply put, this is a generalised and uninformed rant that adds up to nothing more than melodrama. I don't think there's anything to salvage from the piece, and that you'd do better to read lots of poetry if you're really serious about improving. Best,

-R

Ok... Don't know if I am over stepping my bounds here, but I just read this thread. First.... Please do not take offense to what I told you. If was not meant to offend you. Secondly Hun... The first time I ever posted on a board ? Let's put it this way... lol What has been said here is absolutely kind in comparison. I bawled like a baby ! LOL

Then...

I got mad as hell and wrote. I kept writing, and kept reading, and kept writing , and kept reading. The day someone read something I wrote, and said ( and I quote ! lol ) " This doesn't entirely suck. " I almost peed my pants with joy ! lol Why ? Because this strange little habit I do matters to me. I want it to be good. Not just to myself but to others that read it as well. I have no doubt you are of a like mind. ( or simply put you wouldn't be here )

I have read your poem several times. There is an image in your head you see as art. I know there is. Now this is where the "craft" aspect of this comes into play. I can not see it with you. Make me see it as well. Walk me into your world, and show me around. I know it takes time, and work. And if you are like most writers I know, that alone will test your patience.

I am telling you as another writer... It is worth it.

It is no surprise that you think this poem is beautiful, as you are the author and this is your creation. It is a list of abstract nouns; you have 40+ abstract nouns in a 43 line poem. I suggested that you read some poetry -- some good poetry from a reputable journal, to clarify -- so that you can see that this is not the way to write a poem because it means absolutely nothing to everyone involved. Why does it mean nothing? Because it could mean anything. When you use words like "Weak" and "Pride" you rely not on concrete images, but fuzzy feelings that don't add up into anything, that don't provoke any tangible images. Lines like "the strong will rise" are limp platitudes and easily done and this poem is filled with them.

Abstract nouns and adjectives have one major use in writing, to reflect character or narrator judgement. As this is a poem without a true character voice, most abstract words are only going to obscure and weaken your meaning. "Thieves prosper" is a good example of an abstract phrase. How exactly do these theives prosper? Are we talking crime in the streets thieves, or crime in the suites thieves?

How is the world "so chaotic"? What effect does the have on the value and meaning of honour? How are we defining honour?

My suggestion would be to pick one or three of the connected ideas in this poem and start over, working to illustrate your claims with concrete examples and imagery. This allows the reader to form their own opinion and thus become invested in the poem--something which cannot really occur if you are telling them what to think.

I've taken everything into consideration and it is all well received.

Thanks to to all who commented.