Thread: The White Dress

Thank you, Joe. It was difficult to write about even though I have never suffered such an atrocity. Being a very compasionate person I could put myself in the girl's place. I lived it through the writing.

We're both of the same mindset about the use of "clack". I raked my brain about this one. Still wanting to find another word. This one's a toughy. I might have to be a bit more graphic. Humm. I'm now thinking maybe "the slide of the zipper"

I think the following is a great premise for part of your story. My young girl felt the same way about her white dress. If it were a short story, I would certainly have her relaiming her dignity. I look forward to reading!

MC reclaiming "her" beach, that she loves, where she grew up, that she feels was stolen from her.

Laurie

My Dearest Friend, Lisa. Of all the replies I have missed I have never, ever missed one so important than this. Please forgive me.

That you know my girl first hand has me wishing that we lived next door to share some tea or wine and just talk and talk and then try to bring each other laughter.

I'll be as bravely open as you and share that I suffered sexual abuse since a child. I understand how a large piece of yourself can be taken away from you. It affects so much, your self-esteem, how you relate to men. We are what we call "Survivors". And unfortunately we are not alone. There are great numbers of girls and women who have had to work so tremdously hard to trust. That is my case as I'm sure it is yours. But having numbers in company is often of no solace. We each have the right to own our own pain. We have the kind of scars which may never heal completely. I am here for you friend and am off to PM you this minute. ((Warmest Hugs)) Laurie

It seems since I have last been here that the level of poems posted seems to have increased both in amount but more so in quality for readers.
This was really nicely handled and as others have said not so immediately obvious to the reader of the subject matter until the end.
It is a death of sorts so the hat box coffin was beautiful and also ominously sad.
I enjoyed this piece very much, thanks for posting.

Lorlie

Thank you, Lorlie. For appreciating the nature of the poem and how it was handled. A very tricky thing. Laurie

xDrew

Short, choppy and sparse

This was intentional. I wanted to keep the lines very clean as in the "white dress". Short, choppy and sparce, also wanting to get across the girl's anxiety. My aim was to create tension not relaxation.

I am glad the blanket scene worked for you. That was the big build up.

I'm very glad you enjoyed the ending. Sad. But what victims must do. Get ride of the crime.

Thank you for reading and for your comments. Laurie

Hey Silvermoon

It's a very hard task you have taken on here. To convey feelings of excitement and utopia and then a shift to the nightmarish thing and physical pain. I think it works fairly well as is, it gets the message and sentiments across, but personally I would work through this a lot more.

I'm with Drew about the choppy part. I can see how it builds up tension but I think it's a little overdone. There's so many stanzas they loose their effect, namely also in regard to several places where I think you're too descriptive, ex:

"She, in the white dress,"

"and she giggles as only a girl can do."

"the ocean which makes
for a kind of ambrosia,"

And more as well, I just mentioned a few where I think it becomes too 'telly'. Seen from another point of view, to me the theme could do with a less wordy phrasing, make it less listy and put more emphasis on every word. Ex these two lines:

"She alone,
with shards of herself,"

Could simply be:

"Alone, sharded"

Then a small nit but still, I noticed some repetitions of words, close to each other, which could be more elegantly avoided.

I really like the overall idea, how the dress symbolizes first the harmonic and romantic and then the terrible crime. I think the point and sentiment would get better across with some shortening done by picky eyes.

I hope it helps,
Martin

I'm taking your advice. I see the difference in the read by your example:

Alone, sharded

I'll have to look again and spot those words which are too close together. And you have been very helpful.

Thank you, Laurie