Thread: Uncertainty

I am the trees
who bend for the air.
I am the air
which bends the trees.

I am the streams
who flow by the grass.
I am the grass
which thirsts for the streams.

I am the rocks
who protect the diamond.
I am the diamond
which clings to the rocks.

I am the flowers
who needingly bask in the sun.
I am the sun
which shines for the flowers.

I am the planets
detaching from the centre.
I am the centre
which is lonely without the planets.

I am the boy
who cannot find the conclusion.
I am the conclusion
which has found the boy.

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Slaughter me. Then link me to something of yours and I'll gladly comment.

The piece starts really well. Instead of just saying "I'm the trees and the air", you define a relation. Second stanza is also ok, with and added twist to the flow/thirst verbs. Then after that I think the repetition should stop, or at least some direction should be shown. It seemed quite random with the otherwise nice images and 'relations' you paint.

"who needingly bask in the sun"

This line didn't flow well, and in spite of I think you should be done with the repetition by here, I will say I would consider a different verb, maybe one covering the 'needing' part without that adjective.

Then we go to space, which is also fine but still random. I will also add, that changing locations and contexts at such a rapid pace like yours, you need some theme or thread through all stanzas. Maybe you could merge some of the stanzas and make the descriptions more and more detailed. Start it simple, and then expand.

The ending seemed very forced. Like you've been trying to figure out, where to take this. Maybe if you expand on the verses, you could also give the poem time to grow in meaning, and a new ending will be showed to you!

very interesting and thought-provoking - very mystical, and somehow fitting with the American Indian spirit-

I agree with Martin that if you start simple and expand it may be more effective - like begin with the small ground-level nature (flowers) and then move slowly up and away to the trees, then to the earth itself, then to the cosmos then to the boy's mind which encompasses them all - also if you could weave in animals too it would round out the piece: inanimate inert (rocks), inanimate living (plants), animate living (animals), the living cosmos, the living mind -

one more thing, if you used more details, describe a few tiny details of each item, it would make the piece more tangible