Thread: Your Name

Demokratia
`


your name
still
another thousand
memories fill.

your voice
lifts
clear above chimneys
forever shrill.

your form
cryptic silhouette
of faceless clocks' idyllic
secrets spill.

your gait
saunters,
deftness on pointe -
pleuritic thrill.




`

Hi arkayye,

Some awkward phrasing and incorrect grammar here:

your name
still
another thousand
memories fill.

You've got a bit mixed up, I think, because of how you've arranged this sentence. "Fill" is the main verb, and applies to "your name," so if we were to arrange this in a natural way: your name still fills another thousand memories, we can see that as it stands your verb conjugation is wrong. Fill = fills.

your form
cryptic silhouette
idylls of faceless clocks'
secrets spill.

Again, when you've chosen to leave the main verb until the end, you've made the same mistake. This is a really difficult clause to get your head around as it stands. Turning it into more everyday speech, it would read: your form - a cryptic silhouette - spills idylls of faceless clocks' secrets. Spill = spills.

I also find the rhymes to be pretty forced throughout. The third stanza completely eludes me, and is at odds with the more simple images in other stanzas. "Pleuritic," I'll admit, I had to dictionary.com, but I could only find it relating to pleurisy: An inflammation of the pleura, usually occurring because of complications of a disease such as pneumonia, and accompanied by accumulation of fluid in the pleural cavity, chills, fever, and painful breathing and coughing. There might be a meaning I missed? Because this sounds pretty odd, coupled with "thrill."

Best,
-R

Oh and, a gait can't saunter.

Originally Posted by rainhands

Oh and, a gait can't saunter.

saun·ter: to walk with a leisurely gait; stroll: sauntering through the woods. –noun. 2. a leisurely walk or ramble; stroll. 3. a leisurely gait. dictionary.reference.com/browse/saunter
saun·ter: a careless leisurely gait; "he walked with a kind of saunter as if he hadn't a care in the world" wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn