Thread: Storm Song

In the black, on the cold sharp floor,
she sings the storm-song,
of birds and clouds,
and of the little girl in the sky,
who is all alone.

When the stones begin to steam,
she knows it is morning;
when the stones
sing her to sleep,
in harsh creaking chords,

the sun-thief is stealing upward,
behind her murky grey screen.
The crickets scrape their strings
in chittering anticipation
of the sea-king’s breath,

and, through the shattered veins,
a salty tang
parches her sweet lips;
they are cracked and peeling,
two bright streaks of scarlet.

You know I've read this a few times and still don't know why I'm not taken. I love that the title is in the piece. It's a good clear short and memorable title as well giving the reader a nice clue as to what to expect. Everything a title should be.......Now what's up with how I'm hearing this???? I think its because for some reason I don't hear your voice here or rather the voice that I've somewhat grown accustomed to hearing in your pieces. I'll have to come back to this again maybe I will make more sense then. I do like the idea here regardless.... It's as if I want it to pick up a bit in the middle to stanzas and really leave me on the verge of that storm at the end.... I don't know what I'm saying at this point as my brain's still heavily clogged due to allergies the winds stirred up and that this may just be a result of that....I'll read this piece a few more times at least when all's clear here. I'm sure it must be me that's just not thinking or hearing correctly...

My goal was to build up to just before the storm broke, but maybe I should have tried to put the entire storm in...

I like the weather, it stirs more emotions in me than most daily things. I find many a poet under-appreciate it's unpredictability and power.
But your poem gives it prowess; a beautiful mystery.

The last stanza is easily my favourite. (But to be general, the last stanza in all poems is the best)

But if i have any critique, which is hardly anything to really consider. in the second stanza third line, i find myself re-reading (obviously breaking the flow). I think it's the 'But'. It just, makes me pause and re-consider. All i noticed.

Always a pleasure to read, always a pleasure.

Originally Posted by Ilasir

but maybe I should have tried to put the entire storm in...

Oh, no! As MeeQ said there is a beautiful mystery going on here which is very powerful. You take the calm before the storm and turn it into music!

Normally, I'm not a fan of "nature poems" but you bring in the human element which renders a deeper poem. And your imagery is just out of this world!

After Reading MeeQ's observation in S2, S3 , I gave it some thought. As an example, I replaced "but" with "though" for a softer sound, which I think might compliment your piece.

When the stones begin to steam,
she knows it is morning;
though when the stones
sing her to sleep,
in harsh creaking chords,

This is my favorite line!

the sun-thief is stealing upward,

Ilisar, I love your verse! Please come back with more! Laurie

"but" dropped, MeeQ. You were right. Much better without.

the sun-thief is stealing upward,
behind her murky grey screen.
The crickets scrape their strings
in chittering anticipation
of the sea-king’s breath,

This one was my favorite, I love the image of the crickets here.
Wonderful poem!

This is gorgeous, mysterious, and intriguing.. Love all the visuals going on here. 3rd stanza--breathtaking , I truly love your style of writing,and as always--a real pleasure to read. Peace...Jul

Wow.

The atmosphere there is thicker than a Mcdonald's milkshake. I love your lexical choice: 'The crickets scrape their strings'. The sensory imagery there is fantastic.

i liked the way you put this together, the urning for something so simple such as a storm
i think that you could add more inbetween here as well, more description between the days

good stuff