Thread: The Poem, The Poet

Write me out with poison pen
A poem and a song
That no one can recall the words to
Many stanzas long

Monotonous and vapid
With meter left unchecked it seems
And syllables so rapid
No meaning they reflect

Creation and Creator
Syntax, sinner, saint
Reality, Theater
The Great I Am and Ain’t

Write me out with leaky pen
A mess, a sonnet son
That no one cares to hold in memory
Ended or begun

Okay, so it isn't me best... but no constructive criticism?

Thank you, David. I am curious, though, why the ellipses?

Originally Posted by jpatricklemarr

Write me out with poison pen
A poem and a song
That no one can recall the words to
Many stanzas longlol, nice joke there...

Monotonous and vapid
With meter left unchecked it seems
And syllables so rapid
No meaning they reflectI like the self-conciousness in this poem, but here, I'm not sure if this anastrophe can really be justified.

Creation and Creator
Syntax, sinner, saint
Reality, Theater
The Great I Am and Ain’t

Write me out with leaky pen
A mess, a sonnet son"sonnet son" or "sonnet, son"?
That no one cares to hold in memory
Ended or begun

It's not perfect, but I actually liked how aware the poem was as an entity. My only nit is the lack of articles for the "pen"s. I don't really see how leaving them out adds anything.

Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa

Monotonous and vapid
With meter left unchecked it seems
And syllables so rapid
No meaning they reflectI like the self-conciousness in this poem, but here, I'm not sure if this anastrophe can really be justified.

Reflect is meant to work with "unchecked" as it was the "true" end of that line if one discounts the joke "it seems."

Originally Posted by jpatricklemarr

Reflect is meant to work with "unchecked" as it was the "true" end of that line if one discounts the joke "it seems."

Yeah, I got that; but still... I guess it works.

Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa

Yeah, I got that; but still... I guess it works.

Maybe I'm just missing what you're trying to suggest. I appreciate and respect your honesty, and since you seem hesitant, please feel free to be as blunt as you like. It's why I come here. If everyone just shrugs and says - eh, it's okay - well, then I'll always suck! I don't want to suck!!

I just mean that you have altered basic english word order, which I explained in another comment on a poem of yours. I wasn't sure if it was intentional or not. That's all.