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In the thin air In the thin air
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Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc.

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Old 07-16-2008, 07:18 PM   #1
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In the thin air
A sea of clouds rests its waves
against peaking islands of silvery rock.
Scattered pools of remnant ice
contrast green-edged matt-blue lagoons,
still and silently descending
like aged veils
nurse sparse vegetation which
suffices for wild mountain goat.
Above, in changing winds
beaked royals roam.
Last edited by Martin : 07-20-2008 at 08:44 AM.
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Old 07-17-2008, 06:24 AM   #2
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I'd like to see this without so many gerunds. It might settle it down. At the moment all the 'ing' sounds make it seem too light for mine.
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Old 07-19-2008, 09:09 AM   #3
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edited a bit...
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Old 07-19-2008, 05:51 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Martin View Post
A sea of clouds rests its waves
against peaking islands of silvery rock.
Scattered pools of remnant ice
contrast green-edged matt-blue lagoons,
still and silently descending
like aged veils that this one could be lost
nurse sparse vegetation that I would suggest changing this one for which. The w sound would work better.
suffices for wild mountain goat.
Above, in changing winds
beaked royals roam.
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Old 07-20-2008, 08:46 AM   #5
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suggestions taken...
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