StuartJay

My first ever poem I did after watching a documentary on Hiroshima

Those are the memories.

The fires that burned
The friend that laid dead
Those are the memories that were etched into my head
The childrens clothes just rags
Their legs bloody and torn
Those are the memories that made me mourn
The look I gave to the sky
The scream of WHY, WHY, WHY
Those are the memories that made me cry.
The hate of God, and
The hate that pumped through every vein
Those are the memories that sent me insane
I hated the world
A world thats full of war
For me Armaggedon can surely be no more
The choice I've made to die
The thought of joining my friend
Thats what made those memories finally come to an end.

any tips or pointers would be great.

Thanks
Stuart.

Martin

Hey Stuart and welcome to the forums.

This is definitly a poem I think many can relate to. You got some strong sentiments behind your words and in general a good context. Your structure with the Th-words works.
Personally, if I were to write a poem about Hiroshima, I would chose a neutral point of view instead of a 1. person like in your case. Otherwise you task yourself with what I would say is a nearly impossible description of what it must have been like.
Your last line I would break after "memories". I really enjoy how you equal the human life with memory. And in that regard you have chosen an excellent title.

Here are some other pointers that I hope will help you in your writings and reflections:

Avoid forced rhyming - if words are chosen based on rhymes, the full potential of the authors intentions is not realised! Not that you should avoid rhyming, but that it at least should be given some extra thought.

Avoid unnecesary words - in poetry our perception and imagination is a big part of the reading experience. So don't be afraid to challenge the reader with creative phrases, kindda like you have done with your Th-words in this piece.

Imagery - If a poem merely is describing a situation, feeling or other without using "picture-language" or imagery, everyone who read will have nothing or little left for imagining themselves. The way I see, it's very important to master the balance between direct description and imagery.

I think this was very good for a first poem. I hope to keep seeing you around the forums.

All the best

/m

StuartJay

Thanks Martin for the comment.

I agree that it is a near impossible task to fully describe what happend that day, but I have a great deal of empathy and struggle to withdraw myself from that point of view.

Untill I stumbled on this forum I thought that poetry had to ryhme, and I admit that I changed a few bits just to make them fit. I do have one question regarding this though, should a poem follow a format, If I have a ryhme on the third line should I then keep to that format ? sorry if this is a bad noob question.

The picture language. I admit I'm not quite sure how to achieve this, would this be closer to the mark

The fires that burned
So intense and without boundries
The friend that lay beside me
Twisted, unatural, dead
Those are the memories that are etched into my head.

Or have I missed it all together.
Maybe I need to do some reading on poetry, any suggestions for a newbie?

Thanks again for the comments and hope to hear from you again

Martin

The format is up to you. It is also a part of the art to make rhyming, structure and format fit with the given theme. I suggest after you have written something that you try and read it aloud for yourself, as to hear how well it reads.

As for picture language, then your new example is definitly toying more with my imagination.
Also, you should try and play with some metaphores.

It's a very good idea to read up on some poetry. You can start on this forum, and read also the comments as they often are very useful.

See you around

Martin

StuartJay

Thanks again for the comments, much appreciated.