LadyWolf

La Vieja Loca *

Nearby us lives a crazy lady.
Unknowable age, stringy gray hair.
Bespectacled rheumy blue eyes,
disconnected, uncomprehending,
fixate along hot deserted streets,
into her mental vanishing point.

Dull shabby house painted mousy pink:
faded blue-striped awnings sag from age,
tattered hints of vanished gaiety
before Occupant became Madness.
Windows taped from inside with tinfoil,
corseted with locked police bars,
stagnant green pool breeding mosquitoes.

Little girl points finger, unabashed:
"Look, Mama! La Vieja Loca!"
Hush now, child, it's impolite to stare.
La Vieja Loca is harmless.
Pitiable, friendless old woman.
Why does her thin shadow scare me so?
La Vieja Loca could be me.

* Old Crazy Woman

~ L ~

__________________
"Timendi causa est nescire" (The cause of fear is ignorance) ~ Seneca

Debut novel under submission to publishers.
WIP: 46,254/100K

terrib

I thought this was very good, wolf.

OtherWorlds

Hi, LadyWolf. I'm not usually much on poetry, but I enjoyed this one. I think you have a very good grasp of description, and if there were a few punctuation problems, the subject itself made up for it. I particularly liked the lines below:

Windows taped from inside with tinfoil,
corseted with locked police bars,

For some reason, descriptions like this appeal to me: the comparison of one image with another, using descriptive words that invite the reader to see through the eyes of the writer. I enjoyed the ending as well; it has a spooky feel.

The only problems I noticed were one or two areas where the punctuation seemed off. I would recommend solutions for those spots, only I'm not sure how it would affect the flow of the peice. I kind of like the run together spots, as it contributes to the feel of the writing. (Plus, I'm lousy at punctuation and might tell you the wrong things )In the end, I guess, go with your gut on that.

__________________
Capricious Quills:
A resource for writers of fantasy and paranormal romance.

Martin

I get some other references to Spain apart from the spanish language, but the mixing of english and spanish in the end;

"Look, Mama! La Vieja Loca!"

doesen't seem very well thought off! Also, you need to start the spanish part of the line with ¡ (inverted exclamation mark) for correct spanish grammar.
I'm also wondering about who is answering the child as you only use the "" signs for the childs voice. Is it the mother answering loudly or the narrator thinking?

As for the context, I agree it's a good description through the two first verses, but the two last lines:

Why does her thin shadow scare me so?
La Vieja Loca could be me.

is kindda taking the poem somewhere else, that for me doesen't fit well with the rest. At least, if you want to include this "fear" of turning into an old crazy woman, it should be hinted earliere than only in the end.

I hope this was helpful.

/m