Apathy - Writers Forum

LizzieSpinelli · 07-14-2008, 04:04 AM

[I wrote this for school this past year, and it ended up winning second place out of a chunk of the 9th grade. I personally don't like it that much, as it was forced out of me due to procrastinating a school project *heh* Anyways, here goes.]

Apathy
It doesn't laugh.
It refuses to smile.
It stares blankly at the clashing colors of occasions,
And the blackest of emotions, it runs past.

Those empty eyes,
Blinking monotonously during celebrations.
It doesn't move,
And its dismal sympathy is a glare.

It walks by
In small, steady steps.
Its motions never falter a beat
Regardless of the chaos that surrounds it.

It struts past Valiance
As if there was not a threat.
Its empathy goes nonexistant for the passerby Stupidity,
And Boredom lingers to watch it pass Angry.

This should not be regarded as bitter Disgust
And not much like Unaware,
For this is Apathy's usual day,
And quite frankly, it doesn't care.

OtherWorlds · 07-14-2008, 08:56 PM

Hi, Lizzie. I like parts of this, but as I read it, I'm occasionally lost. (Maybe it's just my mood; I'm having a hard time concentrating tonight.)

Thoughts:
#1. I think the "It doesn't move" part is a little contradictory to some later lines.
#2. I feel there may be unnecessary words in some of the lines, or maybe just parts that could stand rephrasing. Here, for example:

"As if there was not a threat."

I would tend to make that "as if there were no threat", to make it read smoother, but maybe that's just me.

I thought your references to the other emotions, such as valience, were nice touches, though. Over all, I preffered the first and last verses the most.

Keep in mind, of course, that all of this is just the opinion of someone who knows nothing about poetry.

LizzieSpinelli · 07-14-2008, 10:43 PM

Thanks! Reading it through with the changes "As if there were no threat" does sound smoother, in fact I had noticed the roughness to it, but I didn't know quite what to do with it. To clear up some things, the "it doesn't move bit" was sort of in reference to a scenario I imagined in my mind. I tried to imagine "Apathy" as a character and could see him, back to the wall, glaring at all the other emotions as they expressed their emotions at some sort of gathering, or party, or something. However, I can easily see where it could become a contradiction. And yeah, I definately agree with you on some of my wording.

To be honest, I just put a lot of fancy words and adjectives to confuse people... A lot of other students who read this said they liked it a lot, but had absolutely no idea what the poem was about. XD So basically, they couldn't critique it on the subject matter because they didn't understand it. Heh heh.

OtherWorlds · 07-15-2008, 06:53 PM

A clever plan. Lol. If you can't convince them confuse them.

LizzieSpinelli · 07-16-2008, 01:37 AM

Easily accomplished. XD