PrisonerOfPrey

under covers
a mere tapestry to cloak you
interwoven cloth that shields you,
threads.

closed red eyes
blind to rancid demons
shut out visual paranoia,
and stench.

to twitch
movement reveals a trembling figure
hiding in darkness--rolling,
onto matter.

hidden and trembling lashes
only to set minds eye wide
imagination eating the light,
to cinders.

Constructive criticism is highly appreciated! I haven't written in months... now I need some help making this not clique (is it clique?) and honorable. Thank you for reading!

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me

OtherWorlds

Hello, PrisonerOfPrey. Here are a few thoughts on your poem. Please keep in mind these are just suggestions, so feel free to use them or not. Whatever makes sense to you.

Firstly,I would try putting in some capitalization. If the first word of every new sentence was capitalized, that would make for smoother reading.

Secondly, some words and letters seem to be missing here and there. In your first lines for example:

under covers
a mere tapestry to cloak you
interwoven cloth that shields you,
threads.

You might make this something more like, "Under the covers, a mere tapestry cloaks you, interwoven cloth shields you..." etc.

I understand, however, if some of the omissions were intentional, to give the poem a more immediate feeling. Still, you might want to make some punctuation changes if that's the case. Maybe you could put a colon ( after the first line of the first verse? Just a thought.

Anyway, I understand where the scene is coming from, and it does convey the terror of the night.

__________________
Capricious Quills:
A resource for writers of fantasy and paranormal romance.

PrisonerOfPrey

Thank you very much. I"m making capitalization changes, but I'm not sure about your other comments. I'd like to wait until I get more reviews...My poetry is suffering greatly at the moment...

__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me

Martin

Hi PoP, here's some things I noticed:

In second stanza, closed red eyes shut out stench?? Doesn't quite validate!

Repetition of "trembling" in fourth stanza didn't fit well for me.

In general somewhere between third and fourth stanza the piece gets a little predictable. Maybe you could shorten it a stanza down...

I'm a little hesitant on commenting on the context, but for me it was definitely not a cliched topic.

Hope it helped

/m