Thread: Just Can't Get It Right (dark humor about suicide attempts, but not really that bad)

I fell off my stool
ended up in the pool,
I broke my 3rd rib,
I can't tell a fib.


I waded to the side,
hoped to get a ride,
to the hospital in town
but then I went down.


I was all alone,
not even a phone,
I thought I was dead,
but woke up in bed.


I started to wonder,
if I committed a blunder.
There was a knock on the door,
it was two plus one more.


A butcher, A baker,
A candlestick maker.
Or was it a clown
in a surgical gown?


I woke from my dream
with a sudden scream,
It was a scary scene,
What did this mean?


My head was in pain,
How long had I lain,
This really wasn't fun,
then I spotted the gun.


I guess I had tried
to commit suicide,
I let out a hiss,
Did I actually miss?


I had already tried drugs,
lost a fight with some thugs.
Jumped in front of a train,
Even crashed a plane.


A failure am I,
at wanting to die.
No more effort to give,
I think I'll just live.

__________________________________________________ ____________________
I'll admit this was a little strange, even for me.
Hope you like it. It pretty much wrote itself.

JRB

The rhythm gives it a seesaw feel like many children's rhymes. Although dark, I will say it was an enjoyable read.

I like the overall effect but think it could do with a little work on how it scans. Nice. Well done.

Thanks guys. I absolutely love the see-saw children's poetry style, and have experimented with it many times. The problem is, how to do the see-saw without making one sea-sick in reading it!

It does have a couple of rough edges as Boddaert mentioned; I see that now in reading it again a couple of weeks later. I appreciate the feedback!

JRB

Very interesting. I noticed one verb tense error (I waded to the side, hope (probably should be "hoped", unless you were trying to do something artistic with the verb tense there) to get a ride). This poem reminds me a lot of the movie "unbreakable", maybe it's written from the perspective of a super hero like Superman? To survive a plane crash, you gotta be pretty tough. The last stanza is my favorite, very funny in a dark way.

It was supposed to be "hoped" but I find your alternate view interesting and thought-provoking. This poem wrote itself. I originally made some changes and minor revisions, but it lost it's raw nature. I like the double-dreaming, where the character dreams in his dream, then wakes up into the dream, finally waking into reality. It shows blunt force trauma, and leaves the reader wondering what really happened.

I didn't want to leave the reader depressed at the end, nor did I want to come across as being depressed. Dark humor was really the only option. A favorite option, might I add.

i liked the rythem and the variety of ways to die gets me inspired to sart a tragedy

Hi J. Scarlett,

I have to admit I got my inspiration from an 80's skate punk song called Suicidal Failure by a band called Suicidal Tendencies. Here's an excerpt from the song:


I took all my mother's sleeping pills
I jumped off a freeway bridge
I drank three kinds of poison
And drove my car off a ridge

I beat myself with a bat
Put a noose around my head
I overdosed on heroin
But I'm still not dead

Death may not be the answer
It can't be all that great
But me I'm not into living
With life I can't relate

By some masochistic reasoning
I think that it will be fun
I want to start my second life now
So shoot me with your gun

'Or was it a clown
in a surgical gown?' Now that would scare the living crap out of me! Getting shivers just thinking about it...

All humor aside, it's really not that bad but has some rhythm issues
for example:

I had already tried drugs,
lost a fight with some thugs. (these two lines read smoothly)
Jumped in front of a train,
Even crashed a plane. (say 'even crashed down a plane.' )

See what I mean?
Cheers GHound

Thanks GHound. Those lines do have an awkward feel. I might rewrite those altogether (a soon as I can come up with a really humorous way to die that doesn't offend anyone).

JRB