Zensati,s Guide to Football Management Games. - Writers Forum

Zensati · 05-06-2008, 11:44 PM

Hi... I'm Zensati, the greatest Football manager of all time..

You may think that Shankly, Ferguson, Wenger, Mourinho and Capello are great managers.. but that would make you a wanker..

No. I am the greatest Football manager!

Why? Because I learnt to manage football teams on Video games like Champ Manager and Football Manager and LMA Manager.

I have played these games until my physical body was permanently damaged so that means I am currently the greatest Manager in the world.

In this thread I will attempt to teach you how to play Football Manager games so you can be as magnificent as me.

After all...Why should I hog all the glory!

STEP 1 - THOU MUST PURCHASE THY FOOTBALL MANAGEMENT GAME

Firstly find your mummys purse and steal some money. You are not going to want to earn money on the job, because you are going to need tons of spare time to play Football Management. And If you are working you will have no spare time. Unless of course you work for the government.

Now that you have your money, You need a powerful PC or Games Console or maybe a handheld Console like a PSP

(I would recommend PSP because then you sit on the toilet and play football manager at the same time.)

Now go into the game shop and buy your football Management Game, make sure its the latest Season so you have all the current players.

Now that you have your Game and your Console you are now ready to step into the world of Football Management.

Do not fear for I shall guide you in gently...You silly Noob.

Zensati · 05-07-2008, 12:24 AM

Right.. Now put the game disc into the console/PC

Make sure you dont get dust on the game disc... It's gotta be pure, gotta be perfect.

When the game has loaded up it is time to start play. Firstly You must Put your name down as a Manager, You may have to put your nationality down or whatever, depending which management game you are playing

Now Its time to choose What League you want to play with. Because you are a pathetic little noob, I would encourage you to choose the English League.

Now Its time for you to choose a Club to manage, Because you are a pathetic slimy little noob I would suggest that you manage either Manchester United or Chelsea. If you cant manage these teams to some level of success then you must have brain damage.

Good.. So you have created your manager and chosen a powerful team to manage, Now look at you list of players In your squad.. this is the talent you have to work with...

You will most likely be managing in the Premier League. this is a very competitive League but If you lead your team as I instruct you... You may just survive your first season in charge without getting sacked..you snotty little pleb.

Zensati · 05-07-2008, 11:15 PM

Now It is time to fully ,psychologicly, Immerse yourself into the game.

Do you have the balls to do this? because If you don't I want you to stop reading this, piss off and go crawl back up your mummys arse!..

..You are still reading? good. That means you are ready for full psychological Immersion. Or FPI as I like to call it. Now it is time for you to actually become the Gaffer- The Manager of the Club.

In order to become the Gaffer, You need to be ruthless and dominant. You must make this the code of your existance even when not playing the game. You must bacome extremly bossy and controlling and constantly yelling out orders. If anyone stands up to you you must order them to fuck off!

You must become just like Manchester Uniteds, manager Alex Ferguson and have a horrible short temper. If you can become a bit like Alex you'll be on the right track. You must always dress proffesionally and look like you manage a Football club.

Zensati · 05-12-2008, 11:54 PM

Good. now You are the Gaffer. Gettiing back to the game you should be looking at your Squad screen which has a list of all your players. You know how when your girlfreind gets over the age of 36 and she starts getting wrinkly, Her boobies start drooping, and her vagina looks like the sleeve of a Wizard. Well that is a sign that she is ready to be dumped.

So look at the players in the squad. Do you see those old midfeilders and Strikers who are the wrong side of 30? It is time for those old fossils to be sold on.

So put all those grumpy old men on the transfer list so they can be sold off to mediocre clubs. But dont sell the old Defenders and Goalkeepers. Here is why. You need experience at the back and youth and vitality up the front. The Old Defenders have alot of skill, experience, that will really assist them at being rock solid at the back.

And Goal keepers get better with age. So keep your old heads at the back and bring in fresh new talent up front. You only want a total of 36 players to manage so sell off any excess players who are either two old or lack skill and fitness.

If you have any talented young teenage stars in your squad, It might be best to loan them out to a Championship Club so they Get some first team experience which will help improve their development.

Development is the most important factor for young players, If Young players dont get games under their belts, then they tend to stagnate and wont get a chance to reach their full potential.

For every position that you require in your formation you should have at least 2 players who can play that position. For example you should have a Goalkeeper and a backup Goalkeeper incase your number 1 Goal keeper gets an Injury or is suspended or whatever..

lin · 05-13-2008, 01:58 AM

Hey, that there ain't football! That's that fairy game they play in short pants.

Tom · 05-13-2008, 03:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lin

Hey, that there ain't football! That's that fairy game they play in short pants.

Oh yeah, of course.

Football's the game they play when the majority of the time they use their hands.

Silly Zensati.

lin · 05-13-2008, 04:26 PM

Football not in hands.

Football not in foot.

Football in balls.