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Another satire piece for my magazine, Tiger Weekly
Loud guy in library recently watched ‘The Sandlot’
According to reports from various students, the loud guy in Middleton Library recently watched the childhood nostalgic hit movie “The Sandlot,” a story of neighborhood kids and their love for the game of baseball.
One of the most famous catchphrases from the film revolves around the central character, Scotty Smalls. The phrase is, “You’re killing me, Smalls!”
Students said the highly audible patron of the library uttered the phrase 17 times during a recent early-afternoon conversation with his friend.
“I love that movie,” said electrical engineering senior and frequent listener Shawn Anderson. “I’m glad he [the loud guy in the library] enjoyed it, too.
It’s nice to hear that other students share my interests.”
Anderson said he enjoys listening to the loud guy’s various conversations throughout the day because it relieves stress.
“It keeps me sane while I’m trying to get work done,” he said. “I need that reassurance that other people also have thoughts and preferences.”
A Tiger Weekly staffer was able to record an hour of the loud guy’s recent conversation about “The Sandlot.”
“Like, what I don’t understand, is why they didn’t just like throw some bread soaked in antifreeze over the fence and just kill the damned dog,” shouted the loud guy. “HAHAHA! Dude, I mean that would be f**king legit, you know?”
In the recording, the loud guy’s friend can be heard chuckling quietly and clearing his throat.
“It was a poignant movie,” the loud guy added. “Yeah, very poignant.”
The loud guy continued to use the word “poignant” more than 50 times throughout the rest of the conversation.
English lit junior Brian King agrees with Anderson that the loud guy’s anecdotes are refreshing during long study marathons.
“Last year, when I was trying to finish a 14-page research paper for my capstone class, I was sad to hear that one of the rims on his Mustang shattered,” said King. “He used his cell phone to call a few friends and explain what happened, and the story really hit home with me around the sixth or seventh time he told it.”
Another student, who requested anonymity, explained how the loud guy helps him feel a sense of familiarity in the library.
“No matter where I go in Middleton, the [loud guy] hole is always there and … It’s like he’s everywhere. I swear if I see him again, I’m going to … give him … a knife … [as a gift for the entertainment value he provides].”
Several students confirmed with Tiger Weekly that the loud guy also recently broke up with his girlfriend.
“It was a painful week for all of us,” said psychology sophomore Kristen Brown. “He talked so much about her for months; she seemed like a great girl. We’ll miss the idea of her.”
Brown said she could relate to the loud guy’s girlfriend in several ways. For example, she learned that they both enjoyed hanging out with friends and are capable of having multiple orgasms.
“He said his girlfriend was too clingy,” said chemistry junior Jeffrey Smith.
“It’s a shame. I hope he finds love again soon. He seems to have had it rough in life. I heard his dad stopped helping him with rent.”
Smith said he also hopes the rest of the semester is overall eventful for the loud guy in the library.
“Last semester, during finals week, his stories became louder and more intense,” said Smith. “I’m counting on that again because this semester has been my hardest so far.”
Many students predict that the loud guy will continue to talk about the plot and dialogue of “The Sandlot” for the next two weeks. Those who wish to hear some of his stories and musings on life and pop culture can visit the
Middleton Library anytime between midmorning and late afternoon.
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