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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, LA
Gender: Male
Posts: 363
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We're Just Jealous Of Your Love
Excerpt from my almost-finalized book In Love And College: A Practical Guide To Practical Relationships
Critiques are welcomed!
We're Just Jealous Of Your Love
YOU’VE FINALLY done it. You found someone who seems to be the end-all be-all of your seemingly perpetual endeavor to find love. This new relationship is a huge attainment in your life, and you are so happy that envy itself must envy you. And to top it off, you just lost your virginity and it was the very most specialest thing that ever, ever happened. Your friends are all very happy for you, and they want to meet this new flame and have a group hangout sometime this – hey, wait, where did you go?
Millions of Americans suffer from New Relationship Syndrome (NRS) every year. It’s caused by the onset of having a new significant other, and symptoms include neglecting life, friends, and most other obligations in favor of day-long sex marathons and excessive alone time with the new partner. Nothing else seems to matter to a victim of NRS.
Yes, it’s a wonderful feeling to find the man or woman of your dreams. It makes you think there’s nothing else to worry about ever again. It makes friends obsolete. After all, you can’t make out with your friends or spend half the day arguing over who loves whom the mostest. No one else has ever felt the way you and your new sweetie feel about each other. You have a unique love that’s weird but romantic, and that makes you better and stronger than any other couple.
For the sake of being happy and healthy, it’s a beautiful state of mind. Just keep it to yourself, or your partner will be the only person you have in life – until, of course, you don’t have him anymore, either. While I don’t agree with the notion that friends are always “forever” and romances come and go, it’s still a good idea to make sure you aren’t needlessly cutting ties with people just because you don’t need them at the moment. If you’re going to lose friends, this shouldn’t be how it happens.
When it comes to NRS issues, it’s never the couple who seeks advice, but rather the friend who just got shut out of the couple’s world. For example, when “Jack” and “Susan” started dating, Susan’s best friend “Cindy” was still single and relied heavily on friends when she was in need of interaction on the weekends. Unfortunately, Susan disappeared for months. Before Jack ever came into the picture, Cindy confided in Susan and shared all of her secrets that would otherwise be in lockdown. Both women had stayed single all the way until their second year in college, and Susan was the first to meet someone. From Cindy’s point of view, Jack had stolen Susan from her. Cindy no longer had her best friend, because her best friend had found someone better. Even after Susan and Jack broke up, Cindy said they could never reconcile. Given that, her question was about future prevention, not treatment.
Cindy, among the millions of people who have friends with NRS, thought this fictitious disease was Jack’s fault. She thought, perhaps, that Jack was controlling or possessive and had somehow brainwashed Susan into dumping all her friends.
Not so. Susan lost control of her good judgment and time-management skills, but it wasn’t because Jack made her do it. It was the buzz of being in a brand new relationship – combined with Cindy’s tinge of jealousy – that ultimately ended the friendship. When Jack and Susan broke up, the relationship buzz instantly wore off, and Cindy was probably the first person Susan called to seek consolation. Unfortunately, Cindy wasn’t able to forgive Susan for being so inconsiderate.
New Relationship Syndrome has different levels of intensity, and Susan’s NRS was probably only moderate. If Cindy would have been more patient, they could’ve stayed friends. But both women were inexperienced in romance and had no idea what to expect. Susan didn’t realize she would get so wrapped up in having a new boyfriend, and Cindy didn’t realize why it was all happening. Also, Cindy has to admit she was jealous – all that baby talk, kissing, constant text messaging, and even those wall posts on Facebook.com; it’s nauseating.
To keep a friendship from going sour like Cindy and Susan’s did, there has to be patience and consideration on all sides of the relationship. Like hangovers and broken hearts, the best cure for NRS is time. During that time, friends and new couples should try their best to consider the mindsets of one another.
New couples, this is a happy time in your life, but you still have other people who care about you. It feels like heaven right now, but in a few months you will get comfortable. A kid who gets a new toy for Christmas will eventually come out of his room to see what the rest of the family is up to, just like you and your new partner will probably want to start integrating yourselves into society again.
In terrible cases of NRS, the couple emerges from the bedroom to find that they’ve ruined good friendships by saying regrettable things. And it’s not that they don’t remember saying them; they just didn’t care at the time. It seemed tactful to tell your best friend that she’s always been a jealous lunatic and never wants anyone else to be happy. It was the truth, right? Or maybe not so much, now that you think about it.
A lot of people realize they tend to act this way in new relationships, but mere awareness shouldn’t be treated as an excuse. You should not expect your friends to ignore your unkind words or your blatant disregard for their feelings during this time. If you believe your friends are either jealous or just malicious and want to hurt your new relationship, try waiting two or three months before addressing it – or really, just ignore them for three months. That way, when you figure out how wrong you were, the friendship can remain intact.
As new couples, you should also note that NRS doesn’t always affect both of you the same way. You might be infatuated with him and oblivious of everything else, but he could be staying in contact with his friends and giving himself the opportunity for quality time with other people in his life; perhaps he is taking you out with his friends regularly. In such a case, it might appear to others as though you were forced to be part of his group of friends. Of course, this is not the case. You are still too “buzzed” to care where you’re being taken, and he is probably wondering why you haven’t mentioned your friends, or if you even have any.
If you are a friend of an NRS victim, you have to be even more considerate. You’re the one who still has control of your emotions. The only way to deal with a friend with NRS is to leave the situation alone. If she doesn’t contact you, don’t contact her unless you have to. Otherwise, you’ll look like the pushy, jealous friend who has to meddle with everything. It will seem like you are intentionally calling your friend when you knew she was with her boyfriend. You’re just trying to screw things up because you’re lonely. Maybe you’re trying to steal him! Oh my god! Get out of my life forever, you back-stabbing jezebel!
And so on. The point is, you have to avoid a potentially messy situation or you will end up looking like the villain. Once the NRS wears off, you might find that you can’t forgive the horrible things your friend said when you were just trying to remain a part of her life. Though some people are more forgiving than others, you might end up saying something regrettable in the heat of the moment, and the friendship could be damaged on both sides.
And if you absolutely despise your friend’s new mate, don’t even think about mentioning it to a soul, especially your friend, unless it’s evident your friend is being abused in some way or if you can present hard evidence of infidelity. You certainly can’t go to her and say you think her boyfriend is cheating on her without having something that forces her to face the truth – because that would mean you’re just jealous of their love. To a friend with NRS, your word is hardly valuable. In circumstances where you think your friend deserves better, you can tell her, but ultimately, she’ll have to figure it out alone.
I know it doesn’t seem honorable to allow a friend to get hurt when you think you can stop it, but sometimes you have to know when to keep your mouth shut and let people learn from their mistakes. It’s the only clinically tested and successful treatment for New Relationship Syndrome.
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