All he takes away - Writers Forum

Tspeedracr · 02-24-2008, 10:36 PM

I hope I’m the reason you stay away. I hope you woke up one morning; rubbed at your eyes and felt dirty, because even after everything, I’m the girl on your mind. I hope the days you don’t think of me are like kidney stones, something hard and out of place; thoughts of me could be guttural; whispered beneath the clutter of her voice.

Because at night I am twelve months ago. I am still in a bunk bed, half hidden by green jersey sheets and groping at the mattress springs that hold you up. I still see you, above me, hidden by the dimness of morning light and the way you held words in. Words that couldn’t have deserved the gravity your silence gave them. I hear you laughing and I feel you turning to look at the rising sun. Instead of me. And I can’t help it, I hold on, I think maybe you’ll call and say it was never fair to stare out open windows; to let August find our February faces. Never fair to tell me I could have, and then turn the way you did, to face the sun. How do you let go so quickly, Dave, and how can you be gone?

Teach me how to forget entire nights, how to tuck them behind my ears like raindrops. I’d slip sad Novembers there, suck and shiver your tired eyes like bandits behind my neck. There’d be matching floods of nights I wish were washed away.

But you did, you said once that you never loved. You squinted at the clearing clouds, turned sullenly towards my green sheets and promised me. We were going to be something, you said that too. Just think Dave, of all you took away.

And what have you left me with? Another series of questions? Another moment I can wring around my fingers, and crush like blood among my knuckles. My fists are heavy; they are littered with daybreak, with words you never said. Tragedy is painted upon my outsides like yield signs. The people around me are wool sweaters that I’ve grabbed, and foolishly unraveled. So I’ve got hands now, wrapped up in the gore of freshmen year and tangled in all those threads I wouldn’t let go. So what? I’ve lost. But just think Dave, of all he takes away.

I know what your profile looks like against the broken light of morning, I know I was only static at the ends of her words. And I know I should have known better, what it means to sleep beside a sunrise.

I’m still learning to forget you. Still watching my lips form words in the mirror. “Never loved, you said” I say. “No never and neither did I.”

Only, I am distant now, in crowded rooms. I catch someone’s eye and think maybe I’ll never have you. I catch myself more often now, in the middle, and I wonder where you are, I hope you’re cold; that she’s shaking.

(I just NEED an outlet. Rip me apart, whatever, just give me your comments, please!)

Roxane · 02-26-2008, 03:00 AM

WOW. you caught me off guard here, I almost started crying it is amazingly strong. i felt like i was barred into her place and forced to feel her emotions. great writing!

Tspeedracr · 02-26-2008, 09:14 AM

Thanks! Thanks for reading it!

JohnN · 02-27-2008, 05:25 AM

Ditto Roxanne - A good read...

Intel · 02-29-2008, 07:17 PM

This was well written. However I think you tried to hard for something so bland and short.

Just Jim · 03-15-2008, 03:08 PM

Very good. I'm several times your age, I think, but I can still feel your deep loss.

It feels like it could be poetry:

Quote:

Another moment I can wring around my fingers,
and crush like blood among my knuckles.
My fists are heavy; they are littered with daybreak,
with words you never said.
Tragedy is painted upon my outsides like yield signs.

I was a little confused by
"her voice" and "all he takes away"
but I don't know if that matters.

Very, very good

Chessrogue · 03-20-2008, 01:17 PM

An emotional roller coaster piece of writing. Heartache, despair, envy, and hopelessness... Very depressing....