Thread: Another satire news

This one's a bit more retarded than usual. Enjoy.

New Dell laptop is so thin that it’s invisible

At a private consumer-electronics convention, held only for editors of weekly entertainment magazines, Dell CEO Michael Dell unveiled a new laptop computer that he calls “the last PC you’ll ever own.”

Last month, Apple released a new notebook called the Macbook Air. At an impressively thin 0.16-0.76 inches, CEO Steve Jobs called it “the world’s thinnest notebook.” Now, editors of local weekly magazines are calling Dell’s new Inspiron Infinity Notebook the “Macbook Air killer.”

“How thin is it?” Dell asked rhetorically. “It’s as thin as you want it to be … If you want it as big as a 20-inch gaming powerhouse PC, that’s how big it is. If you want it to be the size of your fingernail, you got it.”

Dell said the advantage of the Infinity Notebook is that it fully empowers the customer to choose what he or she wants in the computer.

“It’s everything – or nothing, depending on how optimistic you are,” Dell added.

The features of the Infinity Notebook vary widely, and many customers said the notebook is so thin that it cannot be seen with the naked eye.

“I carry mine in my pocket,” said Stephen Phillips, creative writing senior and writer of this article. “It’s amazingly small, but it’s so durable that I can use it to discipline children and it still works.”

Other consumers, like psychology junior Ryan Fussbudget, say their Infinity Notebook is too clunky to carry around campus.

“I have to leave it at home and let it serve as a desktop-replacement system,” Fussbudget said. “It has 17 optical drives, 19TB of hard-drive space, 42GB of RAM and a Taco Bell Express.”

Fussbudget said his computer is unfathomably huge. However, others who have seen his PC said that it’s sleek and thin, weighing just a few ounces.

“It’s all about perspective,” said Dell. “When I look at my Inspiron Infinity Notebook, I see a PC that is slightly thinner and slightly faster than the Macbook Air – just barely enough to haphazardly trump the competition. I see a notebook that is in desperate need of the maximum warranty, but will generally work OK for the first year or so. In my Inspiron Infinity, I see everything Dell has ever stood for. I see mediocrity.”

Dell said the advent of the Infinity Notebook has successfully eliminated thousands of jobs in India because it requires little expertise and technical support. As a result of the cut-backs, Dell plans to put more money into releasing an upgraded model early next year.

“It will come with LSD and a free happy ending,” he said as he put the imaginary Infinity Notebook concept in a thin envelope.

“F**k Apple,” said Dell.

"42GB of RAM"

That would really go down a treat!

heh. I actually really enjoyed the last part of this piece.

Here's another one:

Last Dane Cook fan on Earth dies of alcohol poisoning

The Associated Press reported this week that general studies sophomore Craig Vassal, 22, died of alcohol poisoning last week. Vassal’s blood alcohol content was an estimated 0.61 percent. He was pronounced dead at 4:20 a.m. Friday, Feb. 8.

Vassal was found lying face down in a bathroom at the location of a beer pong tournament. Reports said that Vassal was deeply involved in the game.

“He was positively one of the most prolific beer pong players I’d ever met,” said general studies freshman Brian Smith, Vassal’s only friend. “Not very good, but prolific.”
Vassal was also known as the only living Dane Cook fan.

“He had every album, every DVD, every movie … every sound clip ever recorded. Dane Cook was his life,” Smith said. “Aside from beer pong and his Chevrolet Tahoe.”

Dane Cook, notable comedian and actor, reportedly has starred in such films as “Good Luck Chuck” and “Employee of the Month.” According to the AP, Dane Cook has acted in other films.

Benjamin Buza, beer pong champion and part-time kinesiology major, said Vassal heavily promoted Dane Cook.

“I think he knew he was going to die that night,” Buza said. “He was asking everyone if they’d like to be the next Dane Cook fan. He sounded desperate, but no one was interested.”

Buza said he did not consider the option at all.

“Remember Dane Cook’s ‘Comedy Central Presents’ special? That was when he was funny. Never again,” said Buza.

Many students described Vassal’s death as shocking. Vanessa Manning, biological sciences junior, expressed concern for the student’s family.

However, 73 other students who were interviewed for this article agreed that Dane Cook’s career is probably over.

Several students described the actor/comedian as “a douche.”

“When Dane Cook talks – and my f**king god does he talk a lot – I always wondered who was listening,” said Gary Stevens, chemistry sophomore. “I guess the answer is – er, was – Craig Vassal.”

“Dane Cook is a prolific comedian,” said Vassal’s friend, Smith. “Not very good, but prolific.”

Entries on Vassal’s private blog suggest that the audience members at Dane Cook’s stand-up specials were actually computer-generated copies of Vassal himself.

“Hay dane im not gunna make it to ur show tonite. beer pong awaits,” wrote Vassal on his Livejournal.com blog, dated January 30, 2008. “U mite wanna cancel.”

The AP reported that Cook rescheduled the show for February 9, but had to cancel again due to Vassal’s untimely death. It is rumored that Dane Cook will never perform again.


Rebecca Feferman, public relations specialist for Dane Cook, issued a somewhat confusing statement in response to the reports of Vassal’s death.

“We are aware of the bubble in Mr. Cook’s throat,” Feferman said. “We are working to resolve this issue quickly.”

Dane Cook could not be silenced immediately for questions.