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Satire News V. 2.0
Innuendos the source of new store’s success
Baton Rouge has a new retail option for sweet desserts, whether it’s in the middle of the day or 2 a.m. after a night out.
The new store, located in Tigerland, is called Suck On This and offers treats such as popsicles, lollypops, suckers, jawbreakers and other candies that entail what owner Mike Harding, 59, calls “some serious tongue action.”
“If you like sucking, we have everything you would ever want,” Harding said.
Harding started the business with the idea that college students might like candy just as much as children do. The only problem was to figure out a marketing plan.
“You can’t just tell someone what you sell,” he said. “You have to be clever and witty.”
That’s when Harding got the idea to revolve his business around the act of sucking. Harding said he realized sex sells more than anything, and it seems to fit perfectly with the products he offers at his store.
“The best kind of candy is the stuff you have to suck on for a while,” Harding said.
The store does not sell chewy candy, and Harding said he does not plan to offer it in the future.
“When you have all this sucking going on, it can be a dangerous thing when you throw biting in the mix,” he said.
When customers enter his store, two female clerks greet them and ask each patron, “Care to suck on something?”
Harding said he only hires females to run his store because he wants to keep up with the sexual appeal of his products.
“I thought about all of this beforehand,” he said. “Nothing in my store should be considered a mood-killer.”
Everything about Suck On This has sexual innuendo attached to it – including the store itself, which was designed and built to resemble a phallus. The clerks wear several buttons, all of which have various witty and sexy phrases, like “Bet you’ve never sucked something this big before,” and “Sorry, you can’t suck this button.” In addition, every product in the store is in the shape of a human body part.
“Our best seller is the ‘toe-sucker’s delight,’” Harding said. “It’s a popsicle shaped like a big toe.”
The jawbreakers come in pairs, too.
“I have a big sign outside that says ‘come suck on our balls,’” Harding said.
Harding said he hopes business will remain steady. While the store is doing well for now, he said he fears that the recent cold weather will have people “feeling flaccid.”
Brian Pablum, biology junior, said he loves the store.
“Honestly, the sexual innuendos are the only reason I go there. I originally didn’t like candy, but the idea of sucking balls really got me interested.”
Pablum added that this is not the first time sex appeal has drawn his patronage to a business.
“Raising Canes has jugs and breasts, and Joe’s Crab Shack boasts about having crabs. Granted, that last one is kind of gross, but it’s so damned funny and original that I have to eat there.”
Men and women from all over town are flocking to the store for a chance to read the clerks’ witty buttons and giggle while sucking on a pair of jawbreakers.
Harding also runs a brothel behind his penis-shaped store.
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