Here's another if the first one bored you!
Shopping Etiquette
Hey, you! Yes, you, with the blank stare.
Where are your manners?
In today's world, the terms "manners" and "social etiquette" have been filed somewhere in the dusty bookshelf of history along with the phrases "Sunday best" and "drawing room". But whilst these concepts of "manners" and "social etiquette" have sadly less prevalence in today's world than in that of our grandparents, perhaps the concept of "shopping etiquette" has more relevance than ever before.
In this online shopping, late-night shopping and "sorry, we only hold items for one hour" world, it is not uncommon to see on any given sale day, "ladies" (and I use that term loosely) in close resemblance to a pack of wild hyenas hacking at the last remains of a fleshy carcass on a deserted plane. Albeit a silk, limited edition, hand-beaded fleshy carcass, but a fleshy carcass nonetheless.
Don't get me wrong. I am not mounting a high-horse of any kind. I've partaken in this wild feast with great flair, along with equally great disregard for my fellow Australians (to half of which I have this warning: do not attend Chadstone VIP night whilst afflicted with PMS). But perhaps, like you, I find this gleeful abandonment of social etiquette a shame and in the context of shopping, very impractical. Who wants to try on a white silk slip dress with acrylic nail claw marks down their forearms?
So for those of you, dare I say it, considering polishing up on your "shopping etiquette" I have devised this basic 7-point Shopping Etiquette guide for you, which thankfully makes no mention of bread knives, dessertspoons or oyster forks.
To be considered a well-bred shopper, one should:
- Always treat retail staff with respect if you expect them to treat you respectfully in return. This means using "please" and "thank you" as you would to any other, but does not extend to complacency with rudeness or being forced to re-hang garments if you are planning to part with more than $9.95 at the counter.
- If a queue is present, vacate dressing rooms after occupancy of fifteen minutes. During weekend, late night or Christmas trade periods, vacate after ten minutes. * * <
- Avoid scratching, hissing, biting and any other feline behaviour, regardless of discount and conditions of said discount.
- Under no circumstances stroll along walkways, footpaths or aisles during the aforementioned weekend, late night or Christmas trade periods. Any form of linking arms (particularly if comprised of three or more links) is grossly inconsiderate, as is blocking the walkway for a chat.
- Forgo trying on footwear without a protective stocking if you knowingly have tinea.
- Never even consider wearing a backpack. Or stilts.
* Does not apply if you are Princess Mary.
* * Does not apply to brides-to-be or contestants of "The Biggest Loser".
In the infamous words of Tom Cruise, maybe it is time for us to "put our manners back in". You never know. Just like your mother said, good manners do get you everywhere. They might even get the sales assistant to hold that last pair of peep toes until the end of the day. Hey, stranger things have happened…
