Here I sit, staring at a box of toys from when I was just a kid. They’re old, or broken, or both. Nonetheless, they’ve been abandoned. All these toys just sit here, no longer of any use to me or anyone else for that matter. I got bored of them and moved on and I just don’t care about them anymore. No one else cares about them either.
I never thought I’d be like a toy. I never thought my friends would abandon me like I did my dolls, my toys cars, and my little action figures. I never thought
you would abandon me like that. Who would’ve thought that my friends just might up and leave me? Who knew you would outgrow me and move on?
Was I too boring? Did I have a bad attitude? Did my friends just find something better? I don’t know anymore. Maybe it was just them. But, it could’ve been just me. Why else would so many people have left me the way they did?
“You think I’m stupid. You think my brother is stupid. Hell, you probably think my
dog is stupid too, right?” I know you said it in a joking voice, but that’s not what your eyes said. You were really out to hurt me. What was I supposed to say to that? What was I supposed to do? Retaliate? I never thought of you as stupid at all. I wouldn’t have wanted you as my friend if I thought you were stupid. I’m sorry if it just naturally came out of my mouth. “You’re so stupid.” I never really meant it. I thought you understood that.
“You think you’re just
so smart, don’t you? You can’t stand being second best and you’ll just shove others down to make it to the top. Isn’t that right?” I never said I was smart! I don’t think I’m smart! Why can’t you understand that? Why must you constantly push
me down. I can’t measure up anyways.
“Oh. I’m sorry. I don’t have the money to hang out with you.” Couldn’t you just say you didn’t want to hang out with me? I never knew that it cost money to be around me. When did I start charging by the hour? It just hurt me so much more that you had to lie to me.
“You’re just a shallow bitch. It’s no wonder people don’t like you.” It’s not like you ever liked me for me, right? What made you stay around me for the time you did anyways?
“Stop fucking flirting with
my boyfriend. You just don’t know your boundaries do you? If you need some desperate fucking, why don’t you find someone else? You’re just a bother to me
and my boyfriend.” When did I ever want him anyways? Why can’t you just tell me what I did wrong? I didn’t want him!
“Oh my god.
You have emotions? You
feel?” What did you think?! You thought I wasn’t human? You thought I can’t feel the same pain everyone else feels? You didn’t have to say it like that whether it was a joke or not. In the end, it was all the same. It hurt me far more than you could possibly imagine. I’m not that cold. You were the one that pushed me into a corner. You’re the one that labeled me as cold and I couldn’t do anything but live with it because I didn’t want to be
ridiculed every time I showed my emotions.
Elbert Hubbard said, “Never explain--your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway,” right? Why couldn’t you just understand me? Why couldn’t you even
attempt to understand? Wasn't that what friends were for?
I don’t think I can try so hard to compromise. I don’t think friendships are supposed to be so hard to keep. I don’t think I should be the only one crying about it. I don’t want to love you more than you love me. I just wish I could become a toy as well so I couldn’t feel anymore. I wish I
did think you were stupid. I wish I
were smart. I wish I
did like your boyfriend. And, I wish I
could be emotionless.
I’m sorry I wasn’t the ideal friend. I’m sorry if I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. I’m sorry I made you feel stupid. I’m sorry for whatever I did that made you not like me. And most of all, I’m sorry I care.
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I only recently wrote it so I don't cringe at this yet. Eh, I posted this to fictionpress I believe yesterday before signed up for this forum.
Thanks for reading. (Would this be the right section to put it in?)
I Never Thought
